How to Poison Your Husband [COMPLETE! Cozy Romantasy With A Dash Of Murder]

Step 2b: ...but not with your lips

The prince didn't react like Ivelle expected.

Not that she'd expected him to react any particular way.

But Ivelle had kissed men before. She'd been married, after all. This wasn't her first rodeo. And she had never, in her entire lifetime of kissing, had anyone recoil from her in horror like the prince was doing now. Or rub their lips frantically with their hands as though the very taste of her saliva disgusted him.

Rude.

Not that Ivelle was complaining. He didn't taste all that great either. In fact, he tasted almost like...

"Did you just try to poison me?"

Ivelle blinked. "What?"

"Did you just try to poison me? Like, were your lips coated with poison?"

A hint of panic had entered the prince's voice. His dark hair looked even more wild than before.

Damn. That's actually not a terrible idea. Ivelle had heard of the technique before. Spread a protective membrane over your lips, coat poison on top of it, and voila! Instant kiss of death. There was, of course, a certain risk posed to the kisser... but it was certainly something to consider. Her kiss had clearly caught Eirifold off guard. Slap a bit of poison on Lady Lillian's lips, and who knew what they might accomplish?

Prince Eirifold was still watching her as though his worst fears had just been confirmed. "No," Ivelle said hurriedly. "No. Don't worry, I didn't poison you."

"A likely story!"

She didn't like the look Prince Eirifold was shooting her. His dark eyes looked... wary. As though terrified she was some kind of lunatic who might ambush her with another unprovoked kissing attack at any moment. She really should have asked for consent first. She couldn't help but think how bad this would look from an outsider's perspective, especially seeing as how he seemed quite drunk...

For crying out loud, Ivelle, focus!

"Erm, so," said Ivelle awkwardly. "Can we just like... rewind the last 10 minutes and pretend they didn't happen? I freaked out when you said you were going to put me in jail. It's one of the things that I learned in... er... jester school. Always do the thing your audience would least expect! Except in this case, it was a huge mistake. I'm really sorry, and I promise I won't do it again. If... if I just leave your garden right now, can you maybe... I dunno, call off your guards?"

She shot him her winningest smile, then frowned.

"As a matter of fact... where are your guards?"

"What a great question!" The prince glanced around bemusedly, and then opened his mouth again. "Guar–OOMPH!"

"Don't you dare!" Forgetting her previous pangs of conscience, Ivelle hurled herself at Eirifold. His chair overbalanced, thunked into a bush, and then tilted sideways, toppling both Ivelle and Eirifold to the ground. Undeterred, Ivelle pressed her hand tighter over the prince's mouth, trying to stifle his yelling. "I am NOT going to let you send me to prison – OUCH! Did you just fucking bite me?"

"Yrfhg. Anghhh. Angh amfh powierhifohsss hfflks adhfoiewhroiw–"

Ivelle gritted her teeth, trying to ignore the pain in her hand. "Shut up. Promise me you won't immediately scream for your guards. Swear it, and I'll take my hand off your face."

"Agh wear."

"What was that?" For a split second, Ivelle loosened the pressure on his mouth – and immediately regretted it. "SHIT-MONKEYS – AGAIN?? YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER!"