Saving Ryder

Ryder

The whole way to work I wondered what Shaleigh had to talk to me about. I could tell she was hiding something, but she wasn't giving anything away. I take my hand and slam it against the door of my car before walking into work. A few people greeted me on the way in, but I was too deep into thought to acknowledge anyone. I get in my office, and I take everything on my desk and throw it across the room, and onto the floor. There's a knock at my door. "Come in." I yell.
"Are you okay in here?" My assistant Abri asks.
"Yeah I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind." I reply.
I guess that was enough of an explanation for her because she exits my office. The whole day I take phone calls, and do paper work. Around twelve I finally leave not ready for what's about to happen. Shit, I don't even know what she's going to say, but by the look on her face it's not something I want to hear. I'm half tempted to not go home, and just ride around for a while, but I need to get this over with now. When I get home I call out her name, and she comes in the living room. "Talk to me, baby." I say nervous.
"Look, Ryder you have a girlfriend, and I'm not ready for a relationship. Have you seen how I've been treated, and I don't want to take any chances. I'm not saying you would treat me that way, but Ryder what makes you think we would even work? I like you Ryder, I do, but I was vulnerable last night. You make me laugh, smile, and feel something for the first time in forever, but right now it's not our time." She says.
"You're the best part of who I am Shaleigh. I like you, and I will wait for you. Vulnerable or not, last night was epic, and we both felt something. I get you've been treated like shit, but I want you to know I'd never do that to you. Abigail and I were never official, but if you'd like I will completely end things so you are more sure of everything. You will always be my first choice. When I met you all I could think about was how I was going to get your attention, and once I got it how I was going to keep it. I want you Shaleigh. All of you, forever, and always, me and you. I will do anything to prove it to you. I don't care if we are just friends. I'd rather have you in my life as friends, then nothing at all. I've never felt this way about anyone. You make me feel something I've never felt. Not even with my ex." I say honestly.
"What happened with your ex?" She asks.
I froze. I'm not ready to tell her. I can't tell her. She'd probably think I'm the monster that I see myself as. "I can't tell you, Shaleigh." I say bluntly.
"Now you can't be honest with me Ryder? Fuck this." She says, and walks off to her room, but I don't move. I think I forgot how to because I'm telling my feet to move, but they're just frozen in place. I let her walk away again, but I'm not ready to share that piece of my past with her yet. Not when I still can't even let go of it. What would she say if I told her I had reoccurring nightmares about my past, and it constantly keeps me up at night? I'm the worse person ever, and I'm mortified by what I did in the past. I can't escape it. No matter where I go, no matter the time, or place, it's there haunting me. "FUCK," I scream at the top of my lungs, and I punch the brick wall in my office at my house. I pull out my drawer, and pack my bong because it's the only thing that's going to keep me sane right now. I inhale the smoke, and exhale it. I do this until I'm so high I can barely think straight. That's another thing I'm hiding from Shaleigh. What would she think about me if she finds out a way I relieve my stress is smoking pot? I'm sure that'll be another setback in the process. I'm not ready to let her go, but I'm losing myself in the process of losing her. I'm trying to save us, but she's pushing me away. I can't lose her. Not after everything we've fought through to get to this moment. The only thing I'm really afraid of is a life without her in it. How do I manage to fuck everything up? I get out my phone and dial Abigail's number. "Hello." She answers.
"Hey, it's Ryder. We need to talk." I reply.
"What about?" She asks.
"Look, it's not working out between us. I'm sorry." I really am sorry, but she's not who I want.
The line goes dead. Well that went well. I need to get out of here. I have to clear my head because if I don't I don't know what I kind of things I'll destroy in this house. I walk out the house slamming the door behind me, and I get in the car, and I just drive. I don't know where I'm going, but I drive and drive, and drive until I end up in Vegas. I pull out my phone and text Shaleigh.
"I won't be home for a while. Enjoy the house, and I'm sorry."
That's all I say. I turn off my phone, and go to a casino. I have plenty of money to spend. I mean, I do have billions. I go up to the bar and order the most expensive drink they have and chug it, followed by several more. Right now I'm to the point I can barely see straight. There's people at the slot machines, but no one in winning anything. People are playing black jack, and no one can seem to get twenty one. My head is spinning and I can't focus. I finally decide to call it a night, and decide to sleep this off before I seriously get hurt.