It's Ok We Love Each Other

10

Ch. 10 🌟

That whole week we didn't really talk. Because I didn't want to see or hear her. She was always trying to get a hold of me and I ignored her. I was beginning to destroy myself again now. Two months passed and I would cut deeper than I ever have and I wouldn't sleep because the ache was finally catching up to me and I thought cutting would fix it. It just made it worse. I got to the point where I locked myself away in my room and wouldn't talk to anyone at school. When I tried to talk to Caprasia's mom it ended in me falling into a big pit of feels. Or I just couldn't form the words right. So I stopped visiting her altogether. The only thing that was healing was my body. I fell into the darkness and no one could help me. I stopped writing and drawing. One night I was wide awake it was almost 4. I was in bed about to lose it all because of my thoughts. I sat up with my knife and was seriously about to snap. Then Jade walked in,"what the hell do you want?"
"to be with you. Am I wrong?"
"yes. If your looking for sleep or peace it's not here." She walked in and closed the door quietly,"Why? You look so tired all the time. Maybe you would feel better if you tried to sleep."
I said,"I don't sleep, I- I can't sleep. You think it's because I won't sleep? Hell no, it's been almost three months Jade. Three freaking months babe..." She cut me off,"why are you acting so different? I know it's hard to sleep. That's why I came over." She came over closer and took my arm,"Look at your arms baby. I'm concerned."
"Don't be. You weren't before." She looked confused,"What does sleep have to do with the way you are in front of mom and I?"
I scoffed and walked around her,"you wouldn't understand. All you care about is your hoes." I turned around towards Jade. Her back was to me,"You know, you're starting to remind me of my dad." Jade whipped around and stared blankly at me,"what the hell? Will you please just make sense. I want to help you, I want you to feel better and to just go back to when things were good, the way things used to be. But you keep so much in your heart and it's destroying you. It's killing me to watch you do this to yourself. You have a problem and..."
I looked at her and said angrily,"and what? I don't have a problem..."
She went on,"omg yes you frucking do. You don't even see it. You keep yourself up at night and just cry all the time, this is the first time you've said a word to me in a month." I shook my head,"shut up Jade. I don't have a problem everyone else does. I just don't like talking anymore. It doesn't help." I turned my back to her. She walked up behind me, turned me around and made me face her,"you haven't met my eyes this whole conversation. What the hell are you harboring?" I crossed my arms. Jade said gazing into my eyes for an answer,"so now you're gonna ignore me? Really? After everything we've been through? Why don't you grow some balls and about 10 inches and fucking tell me why you are doing this. You want attention, I'm trying to give it." I turned around and glared at Jade,"why? So you can act like you give a damn and then go run off with Tiffany? Or is it because you and mom like to joke about these kinda insecurities?" Jade was taken a back,"don't make me the reason for your own self destruction this time..." I threw my hands up in the air,"oh but why not? Does it hurt Jade? Does it even mother fucking shake you that you just might be the reason? That you're not fucking jesus and you have flaws?" I pushed her out of my way and started towards the door. She grabbed my arm and pulled me back now beside the couch and stared at me icily,"Shut up, you know I love you. I always have loved you, and so has mom. So don't blame us for your sleepless nights." I looked at her and tears began to well up in my eyes,"So, then it's my fault right? Just like everything else. It's my fault I'm so hard to love, it's my fault I'm hideous looking, it's my fault my moms an alcoholic..." She put her hand up to stop me,"Scyles stop it, You know it..." But I continued as I slowly slumped into the couch,"It's my fault I can't do anything right or make even myself happy, It's my fault you keep cheating on me and you beat me." Jade held my face with one hand. Both of us intently looking at each other,"Scyles, Tell me what's going on baby. Why are you saying all this stuff? You know damn well none of its true. I mean you gotta know it's not true honey." I pushed Jade away and sat back crossing my arms once again,"I don't sleep because I'm afraid to."
"what? Dude stop pushing me."
"when I sleep, I become paralyzed. My mind will be awake but my body will be asleep. Then I begin to fall. And so hard until I have to fight to move again. but even then, it pulls me back in. Like some dark being. and every time I fall I fight so hard to wake up and face reality. I don't know why I fight. I've wanted to die for some while now. I hate it." Jade said after a few minutes of thinking,"what paralyzes you?"
I said not meeting her eyes,"It's my reality." It was quiet for a little bit,"But I'm finally gonna change it." I got up and went to my bed,"how?" I lifted the mattress and put dad's pistole under my pillows while she wasn't looking and brought out my brothers hunting knife. I was going to kill myself, but Jade saw the knife. I was so overwhelmed by the heartbreak, my heart had fallen apart completely and I gave into the pain caused by the depressing, negative that had overtaken my mind. I sat on my bed and Jade came over but it was too late I took the knife and sliced through a vein, deep so I could just bleed out and die and be able to feel again. I sobbed and smiled a bit as the blood dripped down from my arm. Jade sat next to me and took the knife from my hand,"what the hell, baby stop this. I can't live without you. They can't fix that. Oh my God Scyles. I'm calling mom."
"Go ahead, it shouldn't be too long now."
She said to mom,"get here now she cut too deep and she looks like she's gonna pass out... I- I. No... I got to go she's got a gun." It wasn't fast enough. I pulled out the gun and held it to the underside of my jaw,"I love you Jade." She was crying now. I've never seen her like that before,"I swear on my life I'll change, Scyles. I promise you I'll never leave you. You promised me too." She reached out for the gun,"remember? So- so you can't leave... either baby. Please don't do this. I'll be shattered and so will everyone else."
"No one cares." Just then she tackled me. the gun went off and some how in the struggle she stabbed my bad shoulder,"why would you do that Jade?!"
"I'm not losing you ever."
"you never had me you bitch!" I shouted,"I'm so damn done with living wondering if anyone even loves me at all. I'm fucking tired of my heart breaking and everyone being so mean to me when I'm nice. I need a permeant vacation from life." I grabbed the gun and cocked it and held it to my head. Jade started crying,"you wouldn't leave me like this I can't go on without you, I love you put it down, please God put it down! My mom and I care. Listen." I shook my head and Jade came closer,"you're mine and no one else's. Scyles do you see that? You can't leave now. We still have so much to do. I can't do it with out you. I need you honey." She grabbed my hand and the gun fired one last time.