It All Started With A Smell

Pulse

After Gaara's words had reached every crevice of his mind he simply sat in the hospital, outside Choji's room, thinking over and over what went wrong; how everything had gone wrong. He had wanted to prove to everyone, and himself, that he could do it. Naruto had even given him the opportunity to see what the others thought and to show his abilities. In the form of a little taunt before the mission. Temari sat across from him, silently letting him stew until his fidgeting got on her nerves. All but his broken finger wouldn't stop moving. He wanted to know. He wanted to know if Choji and Neji would survive, he wanted to know if Kiba and Akamaru were sleeping peacefully or if they were in too much pain and mostly he wanted to know if Naruto would live or if the Nine-Tails would break free. He needed to know if she was safe yet.

"No point in making yourself crazy, you know," Temari commented, her voice echoing through the large hall. "Don't you remember your psychological training? With every mission comes sacrifice."

He was unable to tell if she was taunting him, trying to comfort him, or just wanting him to stop. Either way he didn't appreciate it. Choji was his best friend and Naruto... He cared about Naruto more than he knew how to verbalise. Choji probably could, but Shikamaru's feelings weren't logical.

"Training and reality are two different things. I thought I knew about missions, I thought I knew what it meant to be a shinobi, now, after this mission, my first as a squad leader, only one thing is clear: I'm just not cut out to be a shinobi."

"Honestly all you men, with fragile egos."

He didn't feel like getting into a battle of the sexes at the moment. Truthfully half the misogynous things he said were to try and motivate himself anyway.

"This mission," He started, standing up. His legs shook in retaliation. His body was running on empty. "I thought all I had to do was depend on everybody else. Tsh, some leader. I should have done more but I didn't have the strength. It's all my fault."

"What are you afraid you might get hurt?"

The answer to that question was not in him. Was it his own pain he worried about? He was in very little physical pain and that pain was self inflicted. His comrades were in pain though. Every last one of them was in more pain than he was. How was that possible? As leader shouldn't he have been the one to lay his life down first? Instead of thinking of an answer that wouldn't come, and instead of having to continue a conversation with an abrasive woman who didn't know the whole story, he walked off.

He hadn't even gotten halfway down the hall before he saw his father, just around the corner. He wasn't going to stop, and had expected to walk passed unhindered but his father spoke.

"Shikamaru. A girl disrespects you like that and you just walk away?"

As the words registered in his mind his pulse quickened, his body tensed. He had to force himself to not clench his teeth and instead reply to the older Nara. "You bet I do! Standing around arguing is not my thing. That's something girls like to do."

"And what are you?" Shikaku challenged. "Not a man, that's for sure. As far as I can see you're nothing but a coward. You think that if you quit the missions will stop? Someone's got to do it. Your comrades will be sent out again on other missions with someone else leading them. They'll face the same risks and some of them might not make it. Ones you might have saved if you'd been there to lead them. How are you going to feel then? You've got a chance to reflect on your mistakes and learn from them. Use your failures to make yourself a better leader. You won't help your friends by running away. Instead you should be trying to make yourself stronger, for their sake, so that the next mission goes perfectly. And everyone gets back safe! The choice is simple: you're either a leader or a coward. So, which are you?"