In Another Life | Levi x Reader/OC

Skepticism

Sunday, 850

I'm useless - completely and utterly useless.

I was sent here with the task of killing the man who posed the biggest threat to Marley, and instead of killing him, I fell for him.

I fell for the enemy.

It's funny... I'd call the warriors I was ordered to protect careless and reckless but they had a better head on their shoulders than I ever did. Despite their mission being extremely difficult, they at least tried. I never really did try, did I?

When did this happen? When did it start? It definitely wasn't love at first sight. Hell, if anything, it was hate at first sight. There wasn't anything about him I liked the moment we first crossed paths (aside from his obvious talent). His disrespectful attitude and arrogance only made me want to get the task done sooner.

And yet, I never once even tried to kill him.

He was a tough opponent, therefore, I couldn't just walk up to him and slice his throat. His senses and reflexes were wildly abnormal. He didn't feel like a human sometimes. Attempting to kill him this way would have only resulted in my dead corpse. I had brief thoughts of poisoning his tea earlier on, but I think even that was too risky for me to do.

Like the commander said, I needed to gain his trust first. That was the only way it could work, and I succeeded. The captain trusts me; it is apparent in how he communicates and behaves around me. The problem is... I started to trust him too.

Not long ago, I took someone's life for the first time. In that moment, I felt unstable and apprehensive, but after some reflection, I was able to look past it. Why? Because he was not a good person. Of course, I didn't know the ins and outs of this person, but the fact he willingly found enjoyment in harming me and Connie already told me what type of person he was. I'd rather not do it, but if it is to protect myself or others I care about, I believe I have what it takes to take someone's life.

As long as I have no connection to them, that is... I just don't want to have to kill the people that I care about.

I can't kill Levi because I care about him far too much. This was the same reason why I wasn't able to let go of the fact I almost killed my father. Although I despised him, a small part of me still cared about him, and that is why my violent actions towards him filled me with remorse and regret for years. Maybe it wasn't the concept of killing that I feared, maybe it was the idea of hurting those I deeply cared about - that and I can't stand watching innocent people die.

God, when did I become so sappy?

I wonder if Levi felt the same way I did him. As much as a part of me wanted him to, I really don't want to imagine that he does. Sometimes, I tend to forget that I can't stay here forever. Paulina needs me. I need to go back, but how the hell can I face my superiors again knowing I failed to complete my mission?

What if I lied and said I killed him? I don't want to begin to imagine the consequences if they found out I lied...

I need to find a way out of this. I'm not going to kill Levi - I forbid it. I let everyone else die and I refuse to let him die too. That is the least I owe the others whose lives were lost because of this cruel injustice. I will not allow Levi to die for Petra, for Mike, and for everyone else. He deserves to live.

I guess the next step is figuring out what the hell to do next. I can't stay here. I have to leave. A portion of me wants to help the people in Paradis since I owe it to all the lives lost, but doing so would likely result in being held prisoner here. Truthfully, I've reached a point where it didn't matter to me if they locked me up and tortured me for the rest of my life for deceiving everyone; I deserved that punishment. However, I couldn't allow that to happen only because of Paulina. For that reason, I have to keep my mouth shut. I feel terrible for all the cruelty I've allowed, but my sister does not deserve to pay for the consequences of my actions. I can still save her from the fate I've had to endure.