rinse and repeat | lil peep

1

"welcome back everyone"

 "hello joanne" the group said back. 

joanne was the psychologist who ran group therapy on the psych ward. 

"i see some new faces, so why don't we all introduce ourselves. tell us your name, age, why you're here and your goal for the session. if you're comfortable" joanne suggested to the group.

eleven people sat in a circle on various chairs. some regular hospital chairs, and some had exercise balls to sit on or special cushions, like they used to give to the kids who couldn't sit still in class. 

the blindingly bright hospital light emitted a subtle buzzing, which was only heard because of the silence in the room. no one particularly enjoyed group therapy but it was a mandatory part of their discharge planning. 

everyone in the room was dressed almost universally. white and blue hospital gown and a pair of blue hospital socks- the ones with the rubber grips on the bottom, and a mutual blunt affect on each person's face. 

"let's begin" joanne smiled forcefully, it was hard to even believe that she wanted to be here. she was middle aged and had red hair. she wore black framed glasses and a matching black pantsuit. apparently psych wards really hated colour. 

"i'm lana, i'm 27, i'm here because i have panic attacks. i'd like to make it through the session without one"

"i'm david, i'm 33, i don't know why i'm here, there's nothing wrong with me"

"i'm emily, i'm 18, i have an eating disorder. i want to learn a new strategy for coping"

"i'm halle, i'm 19, i also have an eating disorder. i don't really know what i'm supposed to do here"

halle and emily both looked at each other. 

"i'm jason, i'm 24, i'm here because they told me i had drug induced psychosis, i would like to ground with reality today" 

it was evident who had done this before, stating some textbook "goal" to get out of here faster. 

"i'm gus, i'm 19, i'm depressed" 

"i'm maddie, i'm 19, i tried to kill myself"

"i'm tyler, i'm 26, i have schizophrenia but i'm doing better now. i want to create a plan for medication adherence" 

"i'm jane, i'm 23, i'm depressed. i want to exhibit hopefulness" 

"i'm shawn, i'm 32, i'm bipolar. i was in a manic episode, i'd like to work on my insight" 

"i'm tricia, i'm 29, i tried to kill myself" 

"thank you everyone. for today's exercise i'd like you to write a letter to your past and present self. write about how you feel towards each version of you" joanne explained the activity. 

each patient received a pen and three sheets of paper. "and, when you're finished i'd like you to share with the person on your right" joanne added. 

everyone's heads turned to see who they'd be forced to share their most personal, tragic feelings with today. 

the boy with pink hair was new. his hair was the only splash of colour in the place. the blonde next to him gave him a forced, awkward smile. she was new too. 

"gus", he re-stated his name

"maddie". 

each of them turned back to their papers. the emotions being felt in the room were evident simply by how someone was writing. some angry, some sad, some hopeless, some simply feeling nothing at all. 

-

"that's time!" joanne announced. there was a sense of relief in the room, pens all falling back to the tables.  "between you and your partner you can decide how you'd like to share" joanne gave them an ounce of free choice, which was just about as good as you could get in here. 

"i can start" maddie volunteered, she just wanted to get it over with. 

dear maddie,

i hope you aren't as sad now. i hope you got better or just put out of your misery. either would be fine. i guess i shouldn't say that. i'm sorry for all i've put you through trying to numb my pain. i hope your body has recovered as well as it can. 

i don't really know what else to say to you besides sorry. but i hope one day you wake up and finally don't think 'fuck today' and you can accept enjoying something., like sunsets or something stupid and cliche like that. whatever you need to be happy i hope you got it, or get it. 

maddie smiled sheepishly, not really sure how to now interact with gus. she tried to keep things mild. he was a total stranger after all. 

"you can just read mine if you want", gus slid the folded piece of paper across the table to her. 

the paper crinkled while she unfolded it. 

gus folded the paper before the ink had dried completely, smudging his already sloppy handwriting. 

you're too pretty to b so sad :( 

that's all that was written on the paper

maddie tried to hold in her smile, but she couldn't hide her flushed cheeks. 

she wrote back on the paper, passing it back to him

i am this sad :( 

also not fair i actually did the stupid assignment !

gus smiled, for the first time since he'd been admitted really.