rinse and repeat | lil peep

6

gus' pov

maddie and i were both scheduled for group today, last time was the time that we first met. i felt like i'd been trapped in here for ages, but she makes the time pass a little faster.

the group was scheduled for 10am, it was 10:07. i was probably just thinking too hard about it, she was hardly late but i was worried i'd maybe gone too far with her last night.

i didn't mean to move too fast with her, it just happened.

"well, it seems miss corrigan isn't joining us today, shall we begin?" the psychologist began. it wasn't the usual one. she seemed meaner.

"i'll go get her" i immediately volunteered. "that won't be necessary" she said back to me. i really don't like this chic, "i insist" i scoffed, getting up from my chair anyways.

i let the door slam behind me, heading down the hall towards maddie's room.

"mads?" i asked, looking around the corner. she was curled up in bed, which she had pushed into the corner. her back was to me, not moving when i called out to her. "maddie?" i asked a little louder, with no answer.

i walked over to her bed, sitting on the edge of it. "hey", i said, lightly placing my hand on her back. she flinched slightly under my touch, "sorry, just me" i said, taking my hand off of her.

"sorry" she said, rolling over a little bit to look at me. "we have group, i didn't know if you were coming or not?" i asked her.

"no" she mumbled into the pillow. "is everything alright?" i asked her, "no, depressions a bitch" she told me. "i get it, trust me" i said.

"yesterday was so good. and today is so bad. i don't get it" she said, "i wish i could make it make sense", i just wanted her to be happy, even though i know exactly how she feels and nothing really makes it better.

"aren't you gonna be late to group?" she asked me, " i came to get you" i told her

"it's okay, i'm not going" she curled back into bed

"you have to, or they're gonna keep you in here for like another week at least" i told her, i learned that the hard way

"are you kidding?" she asked, "no" i insisted.

"i just don't even have the energy to get up right now" she groaned

"can i do anything?" i asked, "i don't know. fix my brain, or like get me a line or something. when all else fails abuse stimulants" she managed to to let out a tiny laugh.

"lets go" i said, giving her my arm to help her out of bed.

i took slow steps beside her, matching her pace. we'd get there when we get there. at least we're going

i walked back into my seat, maddie hesitantly entering behind me.

"miss corrigan how nice of you to finally join us" the woman said, "who is this?" maddie whispered to me. i just shrugged.

"now that were all here why don't we all start with just a statement of how we're feeling today" the woman said, i don't think she ever mentioned her name.

everyone did their phoney act, talking about how much better they are feeling. just tell them what they want to hear.

"mr. ahr" she motioned to me. "i feel better today. helping someone else helps me feel less depressed because feeling needed gives me a purpose" i wasn't really lying, but it was definitely sugar coated. i was still sad as fuck

maddie was next to me, i assumed she would just say something along the lines of everyone else's "i'm doing good today" but in seconds i watched the sadness in her eyes flare up into anger, like she'd been holding every thought she'd ever had inside.

"you see, people love stories with endings. right now i'm just sort of a story that's dragging on slowly page by page year by year. but people want an ending, they want a crash. they want an ear in the fucking mail!"

"i just want to fucking die" she said, overwhelmed with sadness, and anger she finally snapped. tears welling up in her eyes.

to me, she was the only other person in the room. i got up right away, wrapping my arms around her, she sobbed uncontrollably into my shoulder. i didn't say anything because there was nothing to say.

"gus, maddie, no touching" the woman spoke up.

"can you shut the fuck up?" i snapped at her, "does it not appear like she may need a little support from a friend right now, or do you just suck at your job?" i asked her, while not letting go of maddie.

"it's just policy-" she began, "i don't give a fuck about policy" i said.

once the commotion became apparent, nurses entered the room, immediately offering a cocktail of pills to both maddie and i. i'd seen them all enough times, they were just various pills with sedative effects, justified for our "agitation".

she swallowed the little cup of pills without hesitation, i didn't blame her. i would have too if those were the thoughts my brain was forcing upon me.

"no" was all i said to the nurse. "can i stay with him, please?" maddie asked the nurse. she looked hesitant, "in the common area" she agreed. i appreciated the slight reach past the rules.

"let's go just lie down, okay?" i suggested, she nodded, following me back to our couch in the common room.

i sat with my back against the arm of the couch, allowing room for her to lay between my legs. "sh, just try to sleep" i told her, gently rubbing small circles on her back.

"thank you" she mumbled, the medications already beginning to take effect, "you don't have to thank me" i said.