How to Stay Out of Prison: A Modern-Day Woman's Guide

Chapter 7

Lyrical~

"So, I might have to move back home and live off your good graces and occasional handouts for a while," I announced.

Now, stop!

This was a family dinner where you might not want to air your dirty laundry in front of your perfect sister and hardworking parents. You know, that family dinner where your parents doted on the perfect sibling, and you just wanted to stab everyone with your fork, but assault with the intent to commit bodily harm came with real jail time, so you just gritted your teeth and tried not to choke on your steamed peas?

Well, thankfully, I didn't have that kind of judgmental family, so I'd always felt safe announcing my failures for my sister and parents to join in on the excitement.

"Why? What happened?" my sister asked.

I pointed my fork that was filled with a heap of mashed potatoes at her. "In my defense, I hadn't slept in weeks," I started, then amended, "Well, except for the two nights prior, but still..."

My father sighed. "Lyric, you don't have to defend yourself to us," he reminded me.

If there was one thing that I could say about Janice and Louis Rodgers, it was that they were truly the stone-cold definition of supportive parents. When my parents say that they just want me and Alice to be happy, they mean just that.

"So, what happened?" Alice asked again.

I swallowed my bite of mashed potatoes, then steeled myself for the laughter that was sure to come. "It was a case of mistaken identity," I began. "Last Friday afternoon, after I got back from St. Louis, I mistook my building manager, Nixon St. James, for the rude neighbor that I've been telling you guys about, and I may, or may not, have cussed him out."

My mother's fork stopped midway to her mouth. "You used actual curse words, or is this situation salvageable?"

"I used actual curse words, accused him of cheating on his gay lover with his own brother, and then accused him of not being gay, but being so opportunistic that he'd pretend to be gay just to score a come up," I confessed.

My mother's fork went into her mouth, my father took a drink of his beer, and my sister's fork clattered against her dinner plate.

Five...four...three....

Alice erupted first, and once her laughter flowed over the table, my mom and dad joined in like assholes.

"Okay, you jerks," I scowled. "Laugh it up. But you won't be laughing when you have your twenty-nine-year-old daughter living back home with you and disrupting how you guys get down at night."

My dad was the first person to get himself under control. "Okay, okay," he said, still chuckling. "We're sorry, Lyric. We didn't mean to laugh at you-"

"Yes. Yes, you did," I argued, narrowing my eyes at him.

My dad smiled, and it was like looking in a mirror. I'd taken after my dad in looks while Alice had taken after our mother. I had Dad's brown hair, brown eyes, and smile. Alice had Mom's auburn hair, blue eyes, and damn near my mom's entire face, and both women were extremely beautiful.

"Can you blame us?" he asked sheepishly.

"A little support here," I harrumphed.

My mom slapped a hand at me. "Oh, Lyrical," she chuckled. "You know we support you. And if you do get evicted, you can always take your old room back."

Alice finally settled down. "So, he's not gay or into incest?"

This time, I narrowed my eyes at my sister. "No," I clipped. "He's not gay. He made that very clear when he was trying to defend himself, and I'm pretty sure he's not into his own brother." I shrugged my shoulders. "But people, ya know? You never know what goes on behind closed doors."