All Too Unwell

Caught

TW: discussion of eating disorder mindset and obsessive-compulsive tendencies

Towards the end of practice, Taylor tells us that she's ordering some pizza and offering us her homemade brownies. Before my eating disorder, I loved celebrating Friday nights with food. I remember when food was a symbol of celebration, flavor, and festivity. When my depression got really bad, I couldn't enjoy anything at all; In combination with my eating disorder, foods that I loved now filled me with dread. When the food comes, I make a plan to throw it away in the bathroom trashcan. I feel so guilty because I'm wasting Taylor's money, and I know she's great at baking so I might offend her.

I slip away to dispose my food in the bathroom trashcan. As I scrape my fork against my paper plate, I hear the bathroom door creak open. I feel eyes on me as I drop the plate and fork, my limbs going numb with fear. I couldn't even dare to see who it was: although I assume it's Charlotte or Taylor. Either way, I was caught. 

"Hey, what's going on?" I hear Taylor's soft voice in the empty bathroom. 

I tense up and freeze. Either she's going to be really mad or really worried. There's not really a great excuse that I can make up for this. 

"Sweetie, I know what's happening," she says, looking at my tossed out plate and then looking back at me. She looks worried, sad, and tired. I feel like I'm making her tired.

What were you thinking?! You couldn't even eat normally for one day, you attention-seeking freak. Now you're wasting Taylor's money and baking. What about the people who made the pizza? That was really hard work. Now you threw it away. You love to cause trouble for other people, don't you? 

I don't even realize that I'm crying until I feel Taylor softly rubbing my back. "It's ok, honey, I'm not mad at you." She says softly. She pauses and sighes, worry present in her face- at least from what I could tell from behind liquid wall of tears. 

"Babe, please tell me what's going on."

I had three options in this moment:

1. Tell Taylor what's going on. I will probably cry and barely be able to explain myself, and she'll make me stop. I am not ready to let go of this; it's like my lifeline.

2. Run out of the room and go back to the hotel. This will definitely confirm her suspicions and she'll still make me stop. 

Instead of answering, I have been attempting to find a way out of this conversation. I think Taylor knows this, because she is persistent. 

"Please tell me what's going on," she says, her voice firm but gentle. 

Tears fill my eyes. She really cares. Maybe I should let her help me.

"Oh, baby, come here," she says, engulfing me into a tight hug.

That's all it took for all of the walls I built and all of the bridges I've burned to be burned down. I completely broke down, sobbing my entire soul out. 

Taylor just hugs me, knowing how badly I need it. When I start to calm down, she asks me again, remaining patient for my answer.

"I just want to be enough for you and I don't want to ruin your image. I'm not smart, talented, or pretty, so being skinny is all I have. And I just don't know what else to do with my feelings," I admitted, my voice still high and strained from crying.

"Nooo don't ever say that," Taylor says sadly, leaning me back so I could look her in the eyes.

You ARE ENOUGH for me, and hopefully one day, yourself. You are your own definition of beautiful. I mean look at you! you're so strong, kind, talented, and beautiful. You are a person, not a coathanger or something to take out your negative emotions on." Taylor says, hugging me again. 

"Thanks. I just want to have my brain removed from my head," I say jokingly.

"This is serious, Mirabelle. You need to be eating, and I or someone who reports to me will tell me if you're eating," Taylor says, seriously.

I nod.

"I love you so much, and I want you to receive the best support possible. I can help you find some therapy options and pay if you can't afford it yet," Taylor offers. "But, I'm still here with you every step of the way. But, please just let me help you and try to get better" Taylor continues.