All Too Unwell

I can't be everything for everyone

TW: Emma (gaslighting and ignorance)

As I was scrolling through TikTok in an attempt to escape my mind, I saw a message pop up at the top of my screen from Emma. It was an apology, something I hadn't expected from her. 

Emma: Hey Bells, I'm really sorry for how I acted at the party. I just wanted to hang out with friends and bring you along. The alcohol really got to me and I'm sorry for yelling at you and leaving you to fend for yourself at a party where everyone is older than you. I hope you can give me a second chance, I won't do anything like this again, babe. I got you a present and dinner tonight is on me ;)

Part of me is glad she apologized, because I don't want to lose her. Another part of me dreads having to be enough for her and walking on eggshells to avoid fighting. The other part is just confused: she's treated me horribly completely sober. Why would she blame alcohol now? Is she an alcoholic? Does she just need someone to help her? If she is struggling with alcohol, I should help her since she's helped me with my eating disorder. 

Emma: OMG are you still mad? If you're not I was thinking of taking you out to dinner :) I know you're not much of a bill with your eating disorder lol.

Just when I thought she might actually be trying to change, she snaps at me for not replying as quickly as she wants me to. Maybe if I go to dinner we can work this all out. 

Me: Sure! I really want to discuss what happened though. 

Emma: Ok, but I don't want it to be a serious conversation the whole time. 

I shut off my phone and try to get some sleep, holding on to the hope of  saving this relationship.

...

At practice, I was running on three hours of sleep. My mind was loud and my heart was racing with panic. In order to be enough for Emma, I can't practice as much. In order to be enough for school, I can't hang out with Emma or practice dancing as much. On top of that, fighting an eating disorder is a tedious, uphill battle. I can't carry it all. I can't be everything for everyone. I keep pushing through practice, wanting to be good enough for Taylor and everyone else. I also don't want Emma yelling at me about how I did nothing all day and avoided her on purpose. As we go through another formation, I trip over myself and land on my butt with a thud. I push myself back up, holding back tears of embarrassment. I'm embarrassed that I mess everything up. I'm embarrassed that I can't hide my emotions, or even push through when I'm facing them. "You're not enough" echoes in the back of my mind. 

...

I meet up with Emma for dinner at 6:00. She's about ten minutes late but I know not to mention anything upsetting me. 

"Hey Bells. Let's talk," Emma says, and I can sense some form of sincerity in her tone.

"I just feel like you've been snapping at me for not answering quickly, but I have a lot on my plate right now. And I don't like how you force me to do things," I say, trying to stay calm and keep it short. 

"Maybe I can help you be less lazy so you can answer your phone? Are you actually busy or do you not care about me?" Emma asks in a condescending way. 

"No, really I'm busy. I have rehearsals for hours, and I have a lot of homework and reading from my textbooks to do. I still want to make time for you, but I only want to do that if you're going to treat me with kindness and respect," I say, trying to make a boundary.

"You really need that much time to be just a mediocre student and dancer? Are you even trying or is this just another excuse for being lazy?" Emma asked sneering.