All Too Unwell

Would You Cry If I Left?

TW: Suicide attempt

Please, please know how loved you are. Even if you don't know, I promise that someone loves you and would be so sad without you here. You are needed <3

Everything would be easier without me. Rehersals would run smoother, Taylor could actually focus instead of worrying about me, Charlotte could live like a normal teenager and go out and have fun. 

I see my sleeping pills in a way I never have before, shaking the entire bottle out into the palms of my hands. Without any hesitation, I get a glass of water. I hear a knock on the door. I decide to ignore it, nothing matters when you're going to be dead soon. The door turns open. Shit. I remember that I told Charlotte and Taylor my code, so I could expect either of them right now. 

"Mirrabelle? Where are you?" I hear Taylor's voice call out. Just take them. She'll be better off without you. She doesn't care about you, she just pities you. 

Taylor turns down the hallway and I catch her in the corner of my eye. I'm lying down now, and am trying not to be seen by her so that she can't stop me from what I'm about to do. I hear her footsteps approaching my room, and hide the evidence that I'm going to kill myself. 

"I'm so glad to see you; I'm so worried about you!" Taylor exclaimed, rushing over to me and engulfing me into a tight hug, swaying us side to side. I say nothing, and only stare forward at the TV and desk, zoning out and out of touch with any feeling. "I haven't seen you all day, and I hope you know that we all miss your humor and positivity!"

The fact that she implied that things are different without me caused a lump to form in my throat. I couldn't quite swallow it. I know I can't talk without crying, so I look down at my thighs, wishing I could rip the fat off of them. 

"What's been going on?" Taylor asked, concern evident in her gentle tone as she wraps an arm around my shoulder. I don't respond. The point of this is to make her angry with me or give up on me so I can be left alone to do what I'm supposed to do. "Mirrabelle, are you able to answer me? Are you having some anxiety?" Taylor questioned, her tone still gentle.  I don't know what to say. I hope that she gives up so that I can do what I am meant to do. "Mirrabelle, please tell me what's wrong. I'm very worried and I felt like something wasn't right, so I came to check up on you. I love and care about you so much, and I want to help you. But, you just have to let me in," Taylor said, rubbing my back. 

Her kindness remaining throughout my nonresponsiveness causes a lump to swell in my throat and salt streams down my cheeks and traces the corners of my mouth. "Oh sweetheart, come here," Taylor said, opening her arms,  which I collapse into and sob. "I'm so sorry," I choke out, my tears soaking her shoulder. "You're fine, there's no need to apologize," Taylor mumbles softly, gently caressing my back. Somehow she lifts my heavy body on to her lap and rocks us back and forth, telling me sweet nothings. She seems to know how badly I just need to be held, because she doesn't move or pull away. All the tears come tumbling out. I pretend I'm ok for everyone else, but I tend to let go around Taylor. After a while, I decide to tell her everything I've been feeling lately, except for the part about how I'm going to kill myself.

"I feel like I ruin everything. I'm ugly and uncoordinated. I'm so stupid, even if I study really hard, I still do poorly sometimes. I'm not talented like you, I need good grades to get anywhere in life, but I can't even do that. I can't even be a good person, because here I am ruining your day with all of my problems. I make so many mistakes. You should live a happy life, free of my problems dragging you down. I really think it's better if you just give up on me, so you can go be free," I snap, more tears streaming down my face. 

"None of that is true, do you hear me? None of it. You are not a burden, I love you so much. I care about you and want to mentor you through these hard things, like I wish I had someone do for me when I was first becoming famous. You are so beautiful, and you are not stupid. You are handling a lot at once. I know you're a perfectionist and your grades are not exactly where you want them to be, but you're trying your best and that's enough. Even if your grades do get lower, it's not the end of the world, even if it feels like it. You are not going nowhere or damaged for making mistakes. Your mistakes help you learn how to navigate situations, and it can be really hard to get it right the first, second, or even seventh time! Mistakes are a part of life, it's ok!" Taylor says, trying to reassure me.

What's that?

Taylor's attention was shifted to something on my night stand. A pill cap and a few pills. What do I even say? That I have trouble sleeping?

At a loss of words, I just start crying again. 

"Oh baby, you are so loved and needed. You are here for a reason, even if you haven't found it yet. This isn't the solution to what you're facing right now or any of the mistakes you've made," Taylor says, hugging me tighter, probably partially to comfort me as much as possible and partially to prevent me from breaking away and downing the pills. 

"Let's throw all of these away together, and take the trash out," Taylor says, chucking the pill bottle into the trash and tying it shut. She puts it outside of my room, where a maid gets it. Taylor wraps an arm around my shoulders, guiding me to her room. 

"I'm really worried and I don't think you should be alone right now, so I think you should stay here tonight," Taylor says, scanning her ID and opening the door. She puts her keys on the countertop and smooths out both bedspreads. Her room is so neat, clothes folded, bed made, countertops clean. I wish I could be like that, sometimes I feel so inadequete compared to her. 

"I'm really tired. Even though I've done nothing," I say, tears streaming down my face for what feels like the millionth time today.

"Oh honey it's ok. It's understandable that you feel tired when you're battling so much. I'm here to remind you that you're doing a great job," Taylor says, engulfing me into a hug for the millionth time today. 

"Do you just want to go to sleep? We could watch some TV to get your mind off of things," Taylor suggests. I nod, walking over to the bed on the other side of the room. I really can't be alone tonight. 

"I'm sorry- I don't want to intrude on anything but I don't want to be alone," I choke out, my voice sounding more clingy and desperate then I intended.

"Of course, sweetie, you don't have to apologize. Come here," Taylor says, patting the spot next to her. She wraps an arm around me, stroking my back. She hands me the remote, "Your choice!" she says, smiling. 

I decide to watch Grey's Anatomy, knowing that I like medical dramas but Taylor likes them too. 

"You're like a little sister to me, I love you to the moon and saturn," She says, kissing the top of my head.