All Too Unwell

Now You Know

"Mirrabelle, sweetie, it's not normal to feel like passing out after exercising. You need to be eating when you exercise this much, and even on rest days. I haven't seen you eat because you always decline the invites or you find a way out of it. I know what you're doing," Taylor says, looking me with so much concern and sincerity that it causes a lump of emotion to form in my throat as I struggle for words. Why does she seem to care so much? No one has noticed the signs that I'm struggling before. My mind races for an excuse to protect the coping skill I can't let go of. No. I'm completely fine, I just have been really busy with school and can't accept the invitations. My stomach hurts all the time. I open my mouth, but the words seem to be stuck in my throat. My lip trembles as my vision streaks with tears that threaten to fall down my hot face. I gasp for air as the fat tears slide down my face. I try to hide my face because I don't want to bother Taylor. She has enough on her plate and my problems will just inconvinience her. 

"Can you tell me what's making you feel like this?" Taylor asks gently, patiently awaiting my response. 

I pick at a hangnail, hoping she'll just let it go. As I stare at my thumb, I feel waterfalls of tears welling behing my eyes. All I want is for someone to show me warmth and care, and here I am receiving it and pushing it away. One part of me knows that people care and want to help, but the bad part tells me that they don't care, and that I'm bothering them. The last thing I want to do is bother the person I've looked up to my whole life. Also, if she finds out, I don't even know what I'll do when I'm feeling really stressed or frustrated with myself. The tears escape as I loudly sob; I've noticed that this happens when I bottle up my emotions. 

I feel myself being engulfed into a warm, tight hug. "Oh, sweetie, it's ok to cry," Taylor said, gently stroking my back. I'm hesitant to accept it; why would someone as important and successful as Taylor Swift want to help me? But, her hugs are so inviting, it's impossible not to melt in her embrace. I honestly need to be comforted like this. I feel so safe and loved in her warm embrace. I want to be able to reach out to someone when I'm struggling and be held and comforted. But that means that I'm draining them. They have lives, I shouldn't be some obligation where Taylor has to drop everything just because I need constant help. You just interrupted a dress rehersal with your near-fainting episode. My breaths become shallower and shallower as the swarm of thoughts assults my mind.

Taylor immediately notices. "you're having a panic attack. Just follow my breathing, ok?" she says softly.

"Deep breaths, sweetheart. Breathe in, breathe deep, breathe through, breathe out." Taylor says softly, her tone soothing my nerves.

I start following her breathing exercise.

"You're doing a great job. You're safe and it will be over soon. I promise," she continued, her voice full of warmth and reassurance. 

I slowly feel my breathing and heart rate slow down, but the guilt still sits on my chest. I interrupted a rehersal and put my problems on someone else. 

"I'm so sorry for interrupting," I choke out, pulling away from the hug.

"You have nothing to apoligize for, honey," Taylor says, her voice warm and genuine.

"I really am attention-seeking and disruptive though," I say, tears continuing to fall.

"Mirrabelle, look at me please," she says softly but firmly, gently lifting my chin. I look up at her eyes, fearing that I'd be met with annoyance and exhaustion. Instead her eyes were filled with compassion and devotion. "You are just as important as anyone else and you are certainly more important than any rehersal. It's not fair to you to keep your emotions bottled up. I am so glad that I was able to help and I will stop anything to make sure you're ok. You're not bothering anyone by struggling. Please, please, let someone help you. You are so precious, beautiful, and worthwhile. We need you here and healthy," Taylor says, hugging me tighter and swaying us side to side.