All Too Unwell

I'm toxic, I'm sorry

TW: Eating disorder and depression

Please don't read if those topics trigger you, I love you so much! This is based on my personal experience. You deserve food no matter what, and please reach out to someone if you are struggling. 

I've been an emotional wreck lately. I feel so bad because I feel like I'm bringing the mood down everywhere I go and no one should have to deal with that. I am making my problems everyone else's problems. Pretending I'm ok never works well- I'm the kind of person where if I bottle up my emotions, they either manifest as frustration towards myself and other people, or I break down crying. Taylor has had enough of my crying for sure, but she'd never say that. I wonder when she'll get tired of me and kick me off the tour for ruining everything with my mental health problems. 

"You ok?" Charlotte asks, looking at me with concern. Ivy and Nathan turn their heads, wondering what is happening.

"I'm fine," I reply, plastering on my best brave face. The truth is, my depression is really bad today and I'm lightheaded because I've been secretly exercising in the hotel gym at night. I've also found ways out of meals or ways to hide food during group meals. Taylor knows about my eating disorder, and having experienced one herself, knows all of the tricks. But, she knows that I don't want anyone else to know, so she won't call me out in front of other people. 

As we're rehersing, I focus on perfecting each movement. Keep your balance. Have sharper movements. Stick to the eight count. But, my lightheadedness is interfering with my perfecting my routine. This is starting to annoy me, but I can't eat, because I feel like I don't deserve food. As I'm dancing, I feel my head start squeezing in as my body swarms with nausea and weakness. I try to keep myself upright, but I realize that I can't when the black and white dots appear in my vision. I walk over to the side of the studio where my bag is, stumbling the whole way like a drunk person, and sit down. Taylor isn't here today, she's at the studio with Gracie Abrams. That means that I can lie about my dizzy spell, and no one will be suspicious. 

"Are you ok?" Emma, our choreographer, asks.

"Yeah, I just have low blood pressure- sometimes I need to sit down," I reply.

"Are you sure? Do you need some juice and a granola bar?" she asks, concern etched on her face.

I have 2 options right now: 

1. Take Emma's offer on the juice, and spare myself a serious talk and a meal with Taylor later. 

2. Refuse the juice, and possibly faint, meaning I'd go to the ER. The media would pick up on this and wonder why one of Taylor's dancers went to the ER. I could ruin Taylor's public image and she doesn't deserve that.

"Some juice would be good, thank you," I reply.

Emma returns with a kiwi Caprisun, my favorite flavor. 

I drink it, fearing the calories. I try to justify it by telling myself that I'll just burn it off. Just when I thought I'd be spared of explaining myself, Taylor comes back with Gracie. In any other situation, I'd be really excited to be in the same room as both of them- and I am. But the sick part of my mind wants to hide my eating disorder so no one can take it away from me.

Emma lets everyone go on a break, and the room buzzes with excitement because Gracie is here. I'm glad that the attention is directed away from my near-fainting episode. I really want to talk to Gracie. After finishing my juice box, I walk over to Gracie. I plan on telling her what my favorite songs are and how she makes me feel understood, but what came out sounded more like a fangirling mess.