All Too Unwell

Begin Again

TW: talk of meal plans,  eating disorders.

My first appointment with my nutritionist is today at 3pm. Her name is Kelly and she specializes in restrictive eating disorders and digestive disorders. I received a Zoom link in my email for the appointment: I decided that Telehealth was more convenient with the tour and my anxiety talking to people face-to-face. Despite the worry and tension surrounding the idea of handing over the control over what I eat to someone else, I feel something else. Hope. I feel hope that maybe, this time I can get better since I don't have to fight this alone. 

Right now, it's 12:30. I'm eating my lunch right now, in spite of all of the negative emotions surrounding it. What if people think I shouldn't be eating this much?  I don't deserve food. I'm a bad person.  Everyone needs food to live and there's nothing I could do that would make me not deserve to eat. They probably aren't thinking that because my perception of my body is distorted. An internal monologue that I haven't heard in a long time has chimed in: a voice of reason, a voice that doesn't completely hate me. Taylor has been helping me reframe my thoughts, and it seems to be working. When lunch break is over, we continue practicing and I feel the difference in how much more energy I have when I eat properly. I focus on my moves, putting emphasis on the tiniest of details because part of me dreads my appointment later. 

...

"How are you feeling about your first appointment?" Taylor asks, standing the doorway.

"I think I've got this, Taylor. Thank you for asking," I reply.

"Ok baby, I'm going to close the door, but I'll be in the other room watching Grey's. I'm so proud of you," Taylor replies, closing the door. 

I click the Zoom link, bracing myself for better or for worse. Maybe you have to go through the worst parts to get better. 

"Hi Mirabelle! I'm Kelly, and I specialize in restrictive eating disorders and digestive disorders. I know how intimidating this must feel, so today we can get to know each other a bit. Towards the end of the session, I'll ask you some questions to create the best meal plan for you. I promise that I'll always talk to you about what we're doing so nothing catches you off guard." She says, her warm and predictable demeanor reminding me of Taylor. 

"So, what are some of your hobbies?" Kelly asks.

"I love dancing and music. It gives me a way to express myself," I reply, nervous that she's going to tell me that I only like it for the exercise.

"That's awesome! I like to do some art and reading," Kelly replies, smiling warmly.

"What are some of your favorite TV shows?" she asks next.

"I love medical dramas and crime documentaries. I also like watching cooking shows and making the recipes from them," I reply, my nervousness fading slightly.

"That's amazing! I can tell that you're really smart. Grey's Anatomy is one of my favorite TV shows," Kelly replies. 

"Do you have a favorite place to go?" she asks.

"I love the beach," I say

"Me too! I also love the mountains." She replies.

"What's your family like? Do you have any siblings?" She asks next. I thought today was going to be a light day. Easy conversations. But, my family has been brought up. My mom gets mad a lot, and eating disorders and addiction runs in my family. My mom also has an eating disorder, and I can remember her talking about hating her body for most of my life. She's usually on a diet. Half of my family is not in contact.