Could Have

Chapter 1: The Middle

July 16th, 2007

I had never been this excited for dusk to come.
I stood on my back deck and surveyed the city lights as they began to twinkle alive, one by one, as each neighborhood across the mountain became visible.
The air began to cool, the summer heat faded as the sun barely peeked from behind the mountains in Carmine. A trail of pink, purple and orange created a soft comforting glow.

I clung to the deck railing in an attempt to ground myself. Anticipatory anxiety coursed through my body and I felt light headed, my fingers ice cold in the heat of having to wait.
I glanced down at my cell phone every few minutes.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the sliding glass window behind me. I turned to square off with my reflection: a mess of mahogany brown hair stopped just below my shoulders. My makeup should have been touched up but I didn't feel comfortable wearing too much. However, without mascara and eyeliner I felt strangely naked, and if I was being honest, mostly vulnerable.
I followed the outline of my body in the reflection-- I felt large when I compared myself to my friends, I felt like I took up too much space.

Comparing myself to the cover of Cosmopolitan felt unrealistic and yet I found myself doing it even on days where I walked with an air of confidence: today was not one of those days.

I settled on wearing black capri leggings and a magenta tank top layered under a looser black tank top.
Did I exude cute yet comfortable or did I just look frumpy?
I wanted to look perfect but I had no idea what that was supposed to look like on me.
I reached into my bra and pulled out a mint lip-gloss-- I wanted to look good, I wanted to taste good, I wanted to be memorable.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I nearly dropped my lip gloss.

He had finally sent me a message.

Kalen: See you soon

Even though this was not our first night hanging out, it still felt unreal every time his name popped up in my texts.

He was on his way and I could feel my heart jump into my throat and nearly choke me with excitement.
I couldn't believe he went to such lengths to see me.
It made me feel special, it made me feel worth it, it made me feel like I was a priority.

I trekked down the back steps and out the back gate to the driveway. Catching myself from running too fast-- I didn't want to seem too eager.

I slowed myself down-

What if he had seen me running to him?

He would surely just run the other way.

I didn't want to come across desperate, even though I had been longing for his presence all week.

Kalen rarely saw me because he was in summer school. He had a strict curfew so I had to wait until night for him to sneak out. It felt dangerous, it felt like a Romeo and Juliet fever dream-- and I was an absolute sucker for anything that felt cinematically romantic.

I reached the end of my driveway and peered down the street: no sign of him yet. The waiting abSOlutely killed me.

Would he kiss me right away? Would he even say hi? Ask me about my week?

His cell phone was usually taken away as a punishment by his Mother.

During most days I rarely even spoke to him. We would make vague plans to meet up. We would send late night texts, some nights I would wait up after midnight just for a simple, 'hey.'

I wanted him so badly that I did everything in my overthinking power to come across as calm, cool and collected-- even though on the inside I was obsessing over him night and day.