Could Have

Chapter 4: Is this it?

July 30th 2007

I shot straight up in bed and looked at my alarm clock: 8:00am. Had I slept in?

Today was the day, the final day I would get to see Kalen before he left for the rest of the summer.

I grabbed my phone and flipped it open eagerly searching for a text from him to tell me what time to come over.

Had I missed his text?
No. There were no new texts.

I stretched out in bed and I could feel the anticipation radiate in my feet. I just wanted to get up and go. I wanted Kalen to want me now. I wanted him now-- just like I had wanted him every other day since the last time I had seen him.

My abdomen throbbed a little when I moved. I was still healing but I didn't want it to stop me from seeing him.

I figured that Kalen would text me soon so I decided to start getting ready. It would take me at least an hour to feel perfect, besides I wanted him to remember me as almost perfect.

I Showered. Covered myself in coconut and shea butter lotion and sprayed myself with perfume.

Picked out a matching underwear and bra set... not because I thought anything could happen... Or, could it? Wait, if this was going to be the last time we saw each other for the rest of the summer would he try to...?

I could feel my mind light on fire. I hadn't even considered losing my virginity to Kalen but I couldn't imagine losing my virginity to anyone else. I felt uncomfortable. The thought of sex had barely crossed my mind. I was just getting used to kissing and touching... did I even really want to have sex?

I was sure I was not ready to make that kind of commitment to someone. Especially to someone who was about to leave me.

I looked up at the partial reflection of my naked body in the mirror. How was I supposed to ever be naked in front of anyone if I could barely look at myself?

I stopped getting dressed and turned to the full length mirror in my room. I reluctantly stepped in front of it. If Kalen saw me naked, this is what he would see. I critically stared at my reflection and felt awkward. Suddenly every curve, roll and dimple seemed highlighted by the daylight pouring through my half-open blinds.

How do you be "naked" in front of another person?

I changed my pose trying to make my body look more pleasing; trying to make myself feel more grown up. I tried to feel beautiful but all I felt was exposed and vulnerable. Posing was not working very well.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

"Honey, did you just shower?" my mom yelled from the other side of my bedroom door.

"Uh, yeah! Just getting dressed, don't come in!" I felt embarrassed and quickly turned away from the mirror.

"Do you want help getting dressed? I know it still hurts to move," my mom waited for me to answer.

"No! I'll just take it slow," I slipped on a short white layered skirt. It hand an elastic band so it didn't put a lot of pressure on my incision, which still felt tender. I quickly realized I actually needed to take it slow.

"Okay, be careful please!" my mom hollered as she walked away from my door.

Be careful? It sounded more like a warning than an actual genuine suggestion.

I finished getting dressed - skirt and a black v-neck tank top. I wanted to wear high heeled sandals but I knew that if I tripped or fell over it might cause my incision to open. What could possibly be more embarrassing than bleeding all over Kalen on our last day together.
I laid out on my bed and stared at my alarm clock: 9:40am. I was ready to go and yet, I had nowhere to go. My phone was next to me and I anxiously waited for it to buzz...