Could Have

Chapter 12: Slut

March 24th, 2008

I sat on the bus and felt the warmth of the sun on my face through the mucky windows. I bounced my leg impatiently waiting for the bus to stop.

I did not want to go into school. I did not want to face Ty. 

I hadn't spoken to him since he had texted me on Friday night.
Inevitably he would track me down and confront me. Or,
maybe, he didn't care enough to confront me. I mean, how could he possibly care about me if it was so easy for him to have that girl on his lap.

Honestly, I felt relief because I had an easy way out of our so-called relationship. It still hurt though; the idea that I was so easy to move on from.
Another boy that never had the courage to just straight up tell me they didn't want me anymore.
I had to find out the hard way yet again.
Was I cursed?
What was it about me that wasn't worth the time or effort?
I could feel my lava-like rage bubbling under my skin.
The bus abruptly came to a halt at my stop and I got off.

/////////

I wasn't sure what to expect as I entered the school. Immediately I felt Callie's eyes on me at the end of the hall. She ran up to me and grabbed my arm to hold me close as she leaned in to whisper.

We tightly walked together towards my locker.

"I spoke to Devon and he said that Ty and that chick were attached all night... he's pretty sure they--" Callie hesitated to finish her sentence as we ended up at my locker. I started emptying my back pack and paused to turn to her.

"Honestly, nothing would surprise me at this point," I shrugged my body language into dishonest indifference.

Callie finally spat out, "they slept together." Callie winced as she looked up at me expecting a tearful reaction...
In my head my jaw had dropped and I felt sick to my stomach as such an act felt like a gross betrayal. It seemed like if I wasn't willing to have sex, let alone ready to have sex, then what was the point of keeping me around. 

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Ty rounding the corner at the end of the hallway. I froze.

 A creeping sense of worthlessness wrapped around my tongue and held me hostage.

Callie noticed my eyes fixated at the end of the hall. She turned to acknowledge what I was staring at.

"I'll stay with you if he comes over," Callie stated, ready to defend me.

"I think I'll be okay," I said through a clenched jaw. The events of Friday night flashed in my head reminding me how stupid and naive I was-- Ty didn't need to know now. My brain panged as I suppressed the images of Melanie half naked; one shitty situation at a time. 
Not that Ty would actually care: he would have reveled in the idea of me with a college girl. Too bad.

I turned back to my locker and shoved my back pack inside. I unintentionally slammed my locker door closed.
Callie raised her eyebrows at my actions and cocked her head to the side quietly asking if I was okay.

Ty slid up behind me and said, "Can I speak to Kiera alone?"

Callie looked back at Ty and nodded. Callie touched my shoulder and whispered, "good luck." Callie took off down the hallway, most likely to watch from a far.

I took a deep breath and turned around to face Ty.

"So?" Ty stood with his hands in his pockets, neglecting to make eye contact with me.

"So? That's all you've got to say to me?" I scoffed and rolled my eyes. My fingers went ice cold as I could feel my chest tighten in anger.

"I don't know. What do you want me to say?" Ty shrugged, uninterested in actually talking.

"Well, did you sleep with her?" I blatantly asked, staring up at Ty expecting instant denial but instead Ty shrugged again and repeated himself:

"What do you want me to say?"

"Good, now I don't feel bad," I hissed and smirked. Ty finally met my eyes and I could see him trying to connect the dots.

"What do you mean you don't feel bad?" Ty questioned, his hands slipped from out of his pockets revealing clenched fists.

"We're even," I shrugged not breaking eye contact.

"You cheated on me?" with the tables turned I could tell Ty didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell if he was hurt or mad that he didn't get out of this unscathed. 

"What do you want me to say?" I repeated his words back to him with as much indifference as I could muster. He stared at me looking for cracks in my white lie.

"Slut," Ty blurted out under his breath as I turned back to my locker. I could feel the sting of his words but didn't let him see that his words hurt.

"I guess it takes one to know one," I retaliated as I took out some books from my locker. I closed my locker and walked off down the hallway towards Callie leaving Ty standing frozen in front of the rows of lockers.

I could feel tears begin in my eyes and before I could reach Callie the first bell rang. Callie ran up to me and hugged me tight.

"I'm fine," I lied. Callie released me and nodded. We went our separate ways to class.

When I arrived in Science class I found it hard to concentrate. I kept replaying Ty's words over and over again in my head: Slut. I must be the sluttiest virgin in the whole school. I cringed as the image of Melanie coming towards me replayed in my mind. I wave of disgust washed over me and I willed myself to think of anything but Friday night...

//////////////

At lunch, Callie and I were sitting outside in the early spring sun. I listened in a melancholy haze as Callie ramble about Leadership and upcoming projects. She would only pause her ramble to sip from a mixed berry juice box.

I had let my mind spiral and settle on wondering if I would get a text from Kalen anytime soon asking about what happened on Friday-- there was a part of me that painfully wondered why he wouldn't want my side of the story. Then I would have to remind myself I was talking about the very same guy who moved away without saying goodbye.

"Ugh, what do they want?" Callie nodded towards Devon and another two guys who I only knew as Addam and Ryker. They often hung out with Ty but I never saw them at school much. Ryker had a sad excuse for a mustache and always wore a beanie on his head. Addam sometimes wore fully thrifted 5 piece suits.  Ryker looked back at Devon indicating something that was funny. Devon and Addam stopped a ways from the bench but Ryker continued forward until he was standing in front of us.

"Can we help you?" Callie snapped.

"Yeah, actually," Ryker smugly grinned and turned to me, "you busy tonight?"

What was happening right now? I looked up at Ryker, confused as I had never once spoken to him.

"Why?" were the only words I could muster.

"Cause if you weren't," Ryker blatantly slide his gaze up and down my body, "Maybe we could hang."

His words were dredged in slime. He raise his eyebrows suggestively saying everything without saying anything. I might as well have a giant red 'A' glued to my forehead.

"Ew," Callie shrilled, "In your dreams." Callie pointed her juice box at Ryker and squeezed as hard as she could.

"What the fuck!" Ryker yipped as Callie covered him in purple juice. I stared wildly at Callie as the juice box emptied and she threw it at Ryker.

Ryker jumped back and flipped Callie off. Devon and Addam were hysterically laughing.

"Oh, fuck off," sneered Callie: a mother bear, protecting her cub. "come on, let's go back inside."  Callie gathered her things and stood up.

"You are--" I laughed and followed in step behind Callie, "amazing."

We entered the front doors of the school and walked through the packed halls. I couldn't believe the gumption my best friend had. I smiled, lucky to have her. I looked up as we made our way down the halls and I began to feel more eyes on me than usual. I caught glimpses of boys looking at me, making eye contact as we passed, turning away from their lockers. Guys who once never knew I existed now suddenly caught my eyes. I felt crazy.

Callie and I turned the corner towards where my locker was. Ty was standing with a group, his arm around the girl from the picture. Ty looked over at me and said something to the girl and some other grade eights standing with her... Grade eight? She was in grade eight. I watched as the girl frowned and kissed Ty on the cheek.
What had he said to them?
What had he said about me?
Why did I care?
The two other girls glared at me as Callie and I passed them.
I just wanted today to end.