The Secrets We Keep

Chapter 16 - Sarah

Sarah

PRESENT

This morning, I decided to get back into the pool again. Was it about 50 degrees outside? Yes. Was it so cold, I could see steam billowing above our saltwater pool like it was conducting some sort of séance, conjuring up scary ghosts from my past? Yes. But my bones were aching for that punishing weight again. To feel the pressure of that water pushing against me, as William had pushed against our marriage many times before. My bones howled their disconcerting desires and I had no choice but to listen.

Since Joseph revealed what I had quietly suspected, that William was engaged in a full-fledged affair, I've been able to think of nothing else. How many times did he dare fuck this mystery woman? In how many places did he do these dirty deeds? My home was one. That was a given. But did he take her anywhere else? Hotels? Motels? Alley ways? Department store dressing rooms?

Was it just the one woman or were there several? Was he at least safe? Did he bring anything back to me? Is there some secret love child out there that he's kept hidden from me? Would he do such a thing? Was nothing beneath him? And finally, who the fuck is he? I feel as if I don't know him at all.

He told me it was one time. One time in our house, and I happened to catch him the same day he decided to shove our marriage into oncoming traffic. At the time, the need to believe him was strong. Too strong. Maybe because I didn't want to admit to myself that he could be so bold as to deceive me over and over again.

Surely, if he were truly sorry, he would've admitted everything then and there. But he lied to me and I, in turn, lied to myself. It was easier than letting my mind wander to that ugly place. A place where only forbidden lust and deceit live. A place where I envision him burning in hell. A place where I see him drowning in the open seas, again and again.

I hate that place, so much so that I chose to believe his lies. It was nicer here in this mythical land of ignorant bliss. The grass was greener. The water was fresher. The air was clearer. I could breathe easier here.

But now, all bets are off and the only thing that is keeping me from choking him to death in his sleep is this pool. I've lost count of how many laps I've done. If my muscles could speak, they'd probably tell me I've been in this water for at least a couple of hours. Pausing only to take minimal breathers. The fact that I even had to stop because I'm fucking human angered me. I wanted to keep going and going, like a machine. I wanted my muscles to be so sore, I could barely move. I wanted this external pain to distract me from a much worse pain. The pain inside.

During one of my breathers, Erica called me. It was barely 6 AM, so of course she had hoped to catch me off guard. She pouted like a child when she caught me, not only wide awake, but already getting my morning workout in. Doesn't this woman know better by now? She does, but dammit if she doesn't try. The day I sleep in is the day something colossal has happened. So colossal in fact, it has the power to disrupt my surgically precise routine. If that were to happen, she should check my pulse and make sure I wasn't running a fever pronto.

After she sighed through her complaints, she asked me if I wanted to carpool with her and Elijah to Barbara's party tonight. I didn't. I'm not ready yet for her to witness me sulking or quietly fuming. The woman knows me too damn well. She'd know something was up. I'm not ready for her I told you so's yet.

Yes, I'd confided in Joseph, but that was different somehow. Erica's my best friend, but Joseph is in another category altogether. There is no box I can put him in. Because he wouldn't fit. His limbs are too long. His heart is too big. Plus, he's all the boxes. He's all the things. He's... everything.