Crushing College

10

I had so many questions for Kai that night. How did he really feel about me? About us? Had his feelings changed since the beginning of the relationship?

And what were the answers I was hoping for? Because I loved Kai. Or...or...was I just in love with the idea of being loved? I kept running the same scenario over and over in my mind that he and I were meant to be together. But what result did I really want? I only doubted because he made me doubt.

I found Kai seated at a table in the corner of the cafeteria, a place that was his choice so I wondered if he had good news for me since this was such a public place for our impending serious talk.

"Hi," I said softly, after carrying my tray of food over to him and sitting down.

"Hi, noona." His eyes looked at me with a peacefulness I wasn't sure how to interpret. Was he willing to start over and reconcile the way we used to be?

"Oh...so..." he started "...I have decided this is the year of Kai and I have to do what makes me happy."

I nodded and put on a smile, anticipating a promise to make things better. He swirled the pasta primavera's creamy noodles around his plate, then his eyes were on me and he continued, "I am going through a hard time."

"What's going on? Let me help you," I offered sincerely. If this rough patch we were going through was all because of his mental state, surely we could work through it together.

"I cannot say more. It is a private matter."

My jaw dropped and a cold gaze fixed on the impassive young man in front of me. For someone who opened up to me easily at the beginning about growing up in a cult, he was suddenly tight lipped. "I'm here for you, Kai."

 "But the universe is telling me that we should not be togeth-"

Clang!

I wanted him to stop talking so I dropped my fork. The clattering noise as the silverware hit the tiled floor interrupted him. After I picked it up, I aggressively cleaned the fork with my napkin, blood surging through my veins, heart thumping against my shirt. 

"Actually I was thinking the same thing since you wrote that question mark on the box of chocolates," I muttered, trying desperately to gain leverage here.

Kai looked surprised, like I derailed the beginning of a speech he had planned. "Oh...I want to tell you that I meditated on this issue. I said my daily affirmations. But it was not working. My positive intentions were not materializing."

"Well, I tried positive thinking and that didn't work either apparently. So we're just going to give up?"

"Oh, I also tried to cleanse the air with a smudge-"

"Did you try drinking some tea?" I asked unseriously, taking a large sip of water from my glass and looking deep into his eyes.

"I tried and it did not work," he said, sticking another forkful of pasta into his mouth.

My eyes went wide and I averted his stare, stabbing a piece of broccoli with my fork. "I guess we can't fight the universe."

Kai chewed slowly and nodded. "And I cannot be forced to do something I do not want to do. I hope you understand."

I wanted the upper hand in this situation but I still had questions. "I guess letting you into my life, loving you, giving you my virginity...wasn't enough for the universe to keep us together." I pointed my fork at him for emphasis, sarcastically referring to how he blamed  the universe on his feelings for me. 

"It was a good time. But I need some space right now," he said in an annoyingly calm voice.

I felt like pelting Kai with pieces of the Rice Krispie treat I had chosen for dessert. I wanted to tell him "But you wrote me a love poem, you wrote me a song, you said you loved me!" It hurt that he could do all those things and not really mean it.