Burnt Out

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Ray

"Where are we going?" I asked Hayden for what felt like the thousandth time.

"You'll see," came his reply, a response he had given me each time I had asked. I sighed in resignation and peered out the window. There were no signs of civilization, the only thing that could be seen was an endless expanse of trees.

As we drove further away from the city, a sudden thought crossed my mind. We were isolated, with no other people in sight, and I had no idea of where we were going. Hayden could be leading me anywhere, and the realization should have sent me into a panic.

Yet, strangely, I remained calm.

Did I... trust him?

No.

It couldn't be.

I barely knew him.

I forcefully pushed aside the unsettling thought. I probably didn't panic because I trust my boxing skills.

Yeah... that's it.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the car came to a halt. Before I could even reach for the door handle, Hayden was already out of the car, opening the door for me.

"I can open the door myself, you know," I teased, a playful smirk tugging at my lips.

"I know, but I want to do it for you," he replied with a nonchalant shrug.

As we made our way deeper into the forest, Hayden effortlessly maneuvered through the trees, as if he had done this countless times before.

"Is this the part where you kill me?" I joked.

"Not yet. I have to plan it out first. Killing people is an organized process," he replied, his expression serious yet tinged with a hint of humor.

"Hmm, I'd probably like that," I chuckled.

Silence.

The only thing that could be heard was the sound of leaves crunching beneath our feet as we walked.

I barely talked to people and my social skills were as good as my mental health. Scar and Seren were the people I spoke to the most, having practically raised me since childhood. They were accustomed to my dark humor, even if they didn't appreciate it. I think sometimes I forget that not everyone is used to such jokes.

Unable to bear the silence any longer, I broke it. "You can laugh, you know. It's funny."

Hayden shot me a glare as he continued walking. "It's not," he retorted sharply.

I don't know why, but the fact that he didn't find my joke funny strangely made me feel a sense of relief and comfort. Was that weird?

We were silent as we walked through the forest. Eventually, Hayden brought us to a halt, and when I looked around, my eyes widened in surprise.

This part of the forest was different. The trees were spaced further apart, allowing glimpses of the sky above, and in the center, there was a breathtaking lake with crystal-clear water. Nearby, sat a few random couches, an unexpected sight in the midst of trees.

"How did you find this place?" I asked.

"There..." Hayden began, his voice trailing off momentarily as if wrestling with his thoughts. He cleared his throat before continuing, "There was a time when I really struggled with the way people perceived me. I needed a distraction, and I found it in illegal street racing. It consumed me, provided an escape from everything else. But when my mom found out, she made me stop. So, I turned to aimless driving, exploring random places, and that's when I stumbled upon this place."

It felt like I was getting to know a completely different layer of him. A part of him which was hidden from the world.

"I know that doesn't sound like me," he chuckled. For a moment I was confused but then I realised that he was talking about the part where he said he struggled with the way people perceived him.

"Trust me. I know firsthand that people are rarely actually like what they seem."

I knew best because I was one of those people. People looked at me and saw what they wanted to see—a facade of perfection. If only they knew what went on behind closed doors, or the constant pain raging within my mind every second of the day. 

I involuntarily thought about Jake. He was one of those people too. Everyone saw him as a sweetheart, and I used to think the same but that all changed when I discovered the harsh reality of who he really was. 

Hayden's hand enveloped mine— his warm hands a stark contast to my colder ones— as he led me towards the couch. We settled down side by side, our gaze fixed ahead at the serene expanse of the lake. I didn't comment on the fact that he hadn't released my hand; instead, I found comfort in the sensation of his warmth against my cold skin.

"It's beautiful," I murmured, the words escaping in a soft whisper.

"Yeah, very beautiful," he echoed, his voice equally hushed.

I turned my head to glance at him, only to find his eyes already fixed on me. The intensity of his gaze stirred something within me, an unfamiliar emotion swirling beneath the surface. It was as if he saw something in me that I hadn't even realized was there, and in that moment, I couldn't help but feel... something indescribable. He looked at me like there was something in me worth looking at, and for the first time in what felt like an eternity of numbness, I allowed myself to simply feel.

Suddenly, the look in Hayden's eyes shifted, growing darker, his expression turning serious. He turned towards me.

"Ray... Last night, you said something," he began, his voice hesitant.

All kinds of thoughts raced through my mind. What did I say? I struggled to remember what happened last night, the memories were all hazy. Did I mention something about my parents? The thought alone sent a surge of anxiety coursing through me. How would I even explain myself? "Oh, you know what? My parents couldn't care less about me, and they never miss an opportunity to tear me down. They're manipulative as hell, but hey, at least you have caring parents, so that's great!"

Hayden spoke again, cutting off my train of thoughts. "You said that something bad happened."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This was even worse.

"It's nothing," I denied immediately, my voice sounding mechanical and fake even to my own ears.

My mind began to shut down, my walls instinctively going up in defense. I knew he could sense the change in my behaviour by the defeated look on his face.

"Ray, you can tell me," he sighed softly, his voice laced with genuine concern.

Look, Ray, even he's tired of you.

The intrusive thoughts echoed loudly in my mind. My head was loud again. Too loud. It was unbearable, suffocating. I wanted to scream. I wanted to rip my own head off.

"There's nothing to tell," I muttered, unable to meet his gaze as I looked away.

Just then my phone started ringing, I checked the caller ID, only to find Jake's name flashing on the screen.

Tears welled up in my eyes involuntarily.

"Ray," Hayden's voice called out, but it sounded distant, as though coming from far away. My ears were ringing, drowning out the world around me.

I looked at him, still seated beside me, his hand gripping mine tightly, his expression etched with concern.

"Nothing happened," I whispered, the words feeling like a feeble attempt to convince either him or myself, I wasn't sure.

Hayden gently cupped my face in his hands, pressing his forehead against mine as he whispered, "Okay."

"Please take me home, angel," I found myself saying, the endearment slipping out unintentionally. It felt strangely familiar, as if I had called him that before.

Home... I scoffed mentally. Where I lived was no home. I didn't know what home was or what it felt like, but being with Hayden felt pretty close to it. He was starting to become my home.