Burnt Out

☆Zeek☆

Ray

I wake up disoriented. Blinking  a few times I try to process my thoughts. Then the events of last night come crashing down.

Hayden.

Party.

Jake.

A knot forms in my throat. Tears well up, hands turn clammy, and a suffocating feeling envelops me. The walls seem to close in, and I struggle to breathe. It's as if I'm back in that room, feeling his hands all over me.

Fuck.

Darkness threatens to consume my vision, and I fear passing out. Yet, I force myself to breathe, to confront the surge of panic. After a while, I manage to regain control, wiping away the the stray tears which had managed to escape.

Glancing down, I realize I'm still clad in the clothes from the night before. Panic surges again, and I bolt out of bed. The dress feels suffocating, burning, and I need it off. I frantically strip out of the dress, discarding it as if it were ablaze.

I felt filthy.

Numbly standing under the shower, I let the water cascade down, attempting to wash away his dirty touch. Yet, it wasn't enough. I scrubbed my skin harder and harder until it turned red.

My head was loud—too loud. Why?  Why did he do that? Was it because of the dress I wore? Did I unknowingly lead him on? Was it my fault? Deep down, I knew it was his fault, but my mind seemed desperate to justify his actions, anything to let me pretend I was overreacting. I didn't want to admit that what happended last night was real. However, the faint bruises on my neck and wrists and the nasty bruise on my back were enough proof that what happened last night was, in fact, real.

Desperate for a moment of peace, something to silence my mind, my eyes fell on the razor. I knew it was wrong, but the temptation was overwhelming. I fought the urge.

Don't do it, Ray.

I failed.

Moments later, I found myself on the shower floor, tears mingling with the water, wrists bleeding. The familiar comfort and peace that hurting myself provided enveloped me, yet I was aware that, once this temporary relief faded, I would feel like utter shit. Before that happened, I needed another fix, and I knew exactly what it would be and where to get it from.

With that thought in mind, I quickly got out of the shower, dried myself off, and threw on the first set of clothes I found.

Sitting on the bed, I picked up my phone from the bedside table. To my surprise, there were a few messages waiting for me. I often received messages from random people on instagram, but I didn't really have a friend who I texted. Scrolling through my contacts, I noticed a message from my father.

Sperm donor: Your mother and I are on a business trip. We don't know when we'll be back. We decided to give you back the car. You'll find the car keys on the table.

No wonder the house was so quiet. Well, at least I got my car back.

Then there was a message from Hayden, but I decided not to open it. I wasn't in the mood to answer any questions he might have. I acknowledge that I'm being a bit of a bitch, and I probably should thank him for dropping me off last night, but right now, I'm too out of it to care. Continuing through my contacts, I found a message from Jake. My thumb hovered over the contact, contemplating whether I should open the message or not.

Jake: Last night was great! I knew we were meant to be. Let's have fun again soon. Don't fight it next time or else I won't be so nice and I hate treating you like that. You know that right? Oh and keep your mouth shut.