You're Dead To Me || ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴜᴛꜱɪᴅᴇʀꜱ

I'm Glad You're Dead

Ponyboy Curtis...
After months of dreaming, I finally accepted it. I accept and embrace the fact that Johnny's dead. He isn't here, his body may be buried somewhere but he isn't here. The moment he died in that hospital was the moment he left. I know it, I know I'll never see him again. And I'm all right with it now.

Life didn't get easier though. Darry is getting paranoid, Soda is stressing. He's starting to balance spending his time between Steve and Ren. I wonder why they can't all just hang out together. Why can't we all get along?

Darry also put me on medication. The type of medicine that numbs your emotions, since when you got so impossibly blue to the point where you nearly off yourself, you have to suppress those emotions. Which means suppressing other emotions, like happiness. You can't only have happiness and you can't only have sadness, you need both of them to be able to feel.

I'm just glad that over time the milligrams I have to take get smaller and smaller since they see I'm not actually doing any harm to myself or others. Darry still worries though, so does Soda. Whenever he isn't at Steve's or Ren's, he sleeps with me. I don't mind it, I could use the company.

When you're lonely for long enough, you get ideas.

Creative writing is cool and all, but I wanted something more. I started to go out on my own and explore abandoned places, like that abandoned church. Whenever I enter some facilities I can just think, man, Johnny would find this tuff. And Johnny . . . I still think about Johnny. And you wanna know what's the kicker? Sometimes I almost feel like I'm glad he died.

Not in some cruel, cold way, of course. He still had so much life left to live. But I'm glad Johnny died because he no longer has to live in that abusive household. He doesn't have to avoid going home at all costs, he doesn't have to take anymore brutal and unnecessary beatings!

You'd think that thinking about this would be pretty bittersweet, but not for me. I just feel happy. Oddly happy, although I'm still on those meds. I laugh and smile, like nothing ever happened. Like my spark never left.

A few months later, it's Johnny's birthday. He would've been 17-years-old today. I decided to write a poem in his favor.
He told me how he always wanted to die
I wish I didn't care, but all those nights I cried
Knowing the only way I'll see him will be in my sleep
Now I'm really glad he's gone
Little did I know that the day he died
Was the day I was reborn and brought to life.

I fidget with my pen in hand, unaware that Soda's hovering over my shoulder. "Whatcha' writing?" He asks. I drop my pen and close my notepad.

"Nothing, just a little poem of some sort. Nothing special." I shrug. "OK, I just wanted to let you know that Ren, Steve, and I are going to the drive-in movie tonight. Wanna come?" He asks and I feel my eyes light up. He's actually gonna hang out with both of them at the same time for once? And he's inviting me? I don't wanna miss it.

"Yeah, I'll come!" Soda smiles, "all right, let's roll."

We head out, the mood is bright and everyone actually seems to be having a good time. Steve isn't bitter anymore and Ren is more comfortable with the gang. I'm starting to see why Soda likes him now. He's tuff n' hip. Great music taste, also. And he has a real friendly smile, too. The type of smile that makes you forget he's a greaser.

The atmosphere feels so incredibly euphoric. As I watch the movie I glance back to the boys every now and then, and I can see Ren inching closer to Soda. I swear he gets closer, then he wraps his arm around Soda and pulls him close. Steve sees this, I get confused because the lighthearted Steve that I'm familiar with faded away. He's now glaring daggers at Ren.

Oh boy. Is he jealous? Jealous that Ren is close to Soda now? No way. He isn't like that when Soda and I are close. Well, I guess that's because we're brothers and it's understood that it's family love. I guess I should've seen the signs back at Dairy Queen, I kinda knew something was off with Steve. But I couldn't figure out what it was until now. Steve is possessive? That kinda makes me wanna laugh, but I can't be insensitive. Our light hearted comedian is experiencing vulnerability! I try so hard to keep my mouth shut, I do a good job at it. But I can't help snickering whenever I turn and Steve's expression has irritation written all over him.

"Shut up, PB. Eyes front." He demands and my smile only grows bigger. He's never talked to anyone like this before.

"Woah, woah, not so demanding now. You aren't Darry or anything, and you can't do anything otherwise Darry would kick your pale butt." I tease and even the other boys laugh.

Steve's face flushes, like he knew he shouldn't have said anything. But I start to feel bad when his eyes almost seem to be glossed with tears in the pale moonlight.

He shifts further away from Soda. "I think I might go say hi to Two-Bit." He says as he gets up but Soda speaks. "Didn't you hear the news? Two-Bit actually, somehow got a girl!"

"You're joking."

"We don't know whether it's official or not but we know one thing. She's into him and he's into her."

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose and mumbles something inaudible under his breath, I could only make out the names Dally and Johnny.

"What was that, Steve?" I ask.

"Nothing."

Before Steve can leave from earshot distance I yell a goodbye. Yes, I felt a bit bad, call me an empath or whatever. I head home early, going into my room without closing the door and I lay on my bed.

What is my life now? Why bother? Why live carefully when you could be living, actually alive? I'm alive. I'm here, my odds of my existence on Earth are so slim. I exist. Others can see and know me, they know of my existence. I'm not just an entity floating around in space or whatever, no. I'm right here, right now.

Holy smokes.

I need to live! I need to do the things Johnny didn't get to do before he died! Yes, I'm still young, but what if I die young? What if I was born to die young!? That's not my fate, that's not my story. I refuse for it to be that way, I refuse!

I spring out of bed and run towards the lot, past the fountain, down the streets. I bolt across the busy streets, risking getting hit by a car.

Where am I going? I have no idea! Wherever fate takes me at this point. Maybe tonight is really the night I die. Maybe my attempt was just a teaser and now this is the real deal.

I keep running until I trip and fall on a rock and my flesh makes contact, scraping against the concret. Skinned once again, but this time it's worse because I could completely feel it. I can feel the warmth of the liquid running down my neck but I don't care. In fact, I may do this more often.

Getting to experience lively occurrences instead of simply writing it with pretty words on a piece of paper is much more alive. Like how some people say they don't want to be the poet, they want to be the poem.

Drops of rain crash down onto my bleached blond hair. More rain comes pouring down, more and more until my hairs nearly soaked. This isn't like any of my fake and pretty dreams, this is real. I'm definitely getting in trouble for this, but oh well. I decide to race up a hill and scream my inner thoughts out into the wild.
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE DEAD!"
"I'M LIVING MY BEST LIFE!"
"I LOVE EVERYTHING!"
"I DON'T NEED MEDICATION OR CIGARETTES ANYMORE!"

I crash down on the soggy grass, rolling down the hill a bit. Now I'm starting to get a headache. I could probably use a painkiller, but the closet pharmacy is down south. Closer to the country. It's just a mild headache, would it be worth it? Well . . .

"Have a good night." The cashier tells me after I pay for the pills. "You too," I say as I head out. I sit on a curb as I swallow the pill dry. It's no use just sitting here, probably dangerous, too. So I get up and start walking a bit. I think the euphoria is starting to wear off. I feel a sickness of anxiety stirring a pit in my stomach. What's happening? I take deep, steady breaths.

I should head home now. Darry's gonna be upset if I don't get there soon. I pick up the pace, trying to remember the direction I came from. OK . . . I approached the pharmacy from the back so now I just have to retrace my steps. I walk beside the brick walls until they come to a stop and I could see what's on the other side.

I glanced over to the other end of the parking lot and a jolt of electricity was sent throughout my system. My heart stopped beating and my stomach twists into a tight knot. My conception is shattered as I see Johnny.