You're Dead To Me || ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴜᴛꜱɪᴅᴇʀꜱ

Golden Pony

Ponyboy Curtis...
It all comes crashing down. I can hear this voice, I heard it in the note he left me. The soul crushing note he left in the copy Gone With The Wind  to die.

"He meant you're gold when you're a kid, like green. When you're a kid everything's new, dawn. It's just when you get used to everything that it's day. Like the way you dig sunsets, Pony. That's gold. Keep that way, it's a good way to be. I want you to tell Dally to look at one. He'll probably think you're crazy but ask for me. I don't think he's ever really seen a sunset. And don't be so bugged over being a greaser. You still have a lot of time to make yourself be what you want. There's still lots of good in the world. Tell Dally. I don't think he knows."

And Dally never knew, he never got to. He killed himself before he could even watch the sun rise. Dallas Winston is dead. Dead, dead, dead. Like how Johnny's dead. Except Johnny isn't dead. Somehow, he's standing right there. I feel feverish. There's no going back. I've quite literally seen a ghost. He still has those burns and scars scattered throughout his body, but he's all in one piece.

I wanna set myself aflame now.

This isn't real, he isn't here. It's just another feverish nightmare. I'm probably asleep in a vacant lot somewhere. I break down into tears and grasp a fistful of my bleached blond hair and ram myself into the brick wall over and over again.

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Suddenly I'm being pulled away, I thrash to get myself out of his unreal arms but it makes me weaker. I can feel warm liquid dripping down my forehead, my blood. It slides down my cheek as I try to cling onto the rough wall, scrapping my hands against it, causing them to bleed.

"Oh my God, Ponyboy, stop! Are you okay? What happened?" Johnny says as he sees my face covered in marks. "Stop hurting yourself!" He demands as he wraps himself around me, forcefully making me stay in place. I gasp for oxygen, my body trembles. His touch cannot be real.

"Stay away from me!" I yell, panting as I beg for him to let go of me. I get too tired to try to get away so I just slump down. I bring my hands up to my face, covering it as I sob. I try to avoid looking into his eyes as best I can. But it's inevitable.

I painfully look up to his otherworldly, hurt, big, dark, doe eyes. It's him, it's really Johnny. I wasn't imagining it. My best friend, the boy who's been in my dreams and nightmares lately is holding me.

"You don't know what's happened." I try not to choke on my sobs. Tears are already formed in his eyes and are making their way down his face. "What? What happened, Ponyboy?" He asks pleadingly.

"Dallas is dead." I tell him and he goes pale. "He purposely got himself shot by the fuzz, he died with a smile on his face because you were the only thing he ever loved. And you died. I didn't open that copy of Gone With The Wind for a while after you died. But then I did eventually and read your note, which made me feel so much worse." I confess.

"Ponyboy, you can't be serious." He quivers, now he's about to fall and it's my turn to hold onto him. Tightly, firmly, I hold the scarred boy.

"You don't know how important you are to us, to me. You don't know what's been caused. You have no idea. It's unreal, Johnny." I tell him, I place my hand over his chest and pulse as it quickens. "Calm down, Johnny, slow down! I can't lose you again!" I grasp onto his wrists tightly enough to bruise him. His breath hitches, I realize I'm hurting him profusely since he has some scars on his wrists. My grip loosens, but I still have that firm hold on him.

"I had to get away from it all. My father shot my mother." His serious expression worries me. "He did?" My jaw drops. "I knew he was gonna snap, I knew it, Pony. So I went for it, I ran." He tells me. I stared at him for a few seconds. "But Johnny . . . Your body is broken. Fractured and crushed. You were paralyzed, couldn't move a single muscle. That church fell down onto you." I feel myself ranting, confused  and frustrated. "Are you even real? What am I supposed to believe now?!" My voice raised and he raised his eyebrows. I know that if anyone talked to him like that—especially Dally, he'd have that hopeless, vulnerable look on his face. But right now he doesn't have that. It's almost like he somehow saw it coming.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm invincible. My body is used to the damage. It knows how to handle it. Can you believe it? Can you believe that I'm standing right in front of your very eyes, not paralyzed! Not dead! I AM NOT DEAD!" He slams his fist against the wall, I hear a snap and that's when I realize that Johnny's body is more fragile than he realizes. Silence ponders for a moment before he speaks, "and quit actin' like I killed myself. You ran into that church, I ran after you."

Now is when I realized it's all my fault. Everything. I'm supposed to be dead, I was the one who was supposed to die in that hospital.

"I tried to end my life." I told him.
He quickly shoots me a look that lets me know his hope has been shattered, as if it hadn't been already. I struggle to get the words out. "I tried to kill myself. I tried to drown myself in that fountain because I didn't have anything to live for."

"I'm sorry, did you not pay attention to the note I left?! I told you to stay gold, stay alive, stay pure. You didn't really . . ." He shudders and wipes his palms against his soaked face.
"I can't even blame you. Or Dally or anyone else for that matter. I'm the one who left. I just had to get away from it all. From the household I wasn't wanted in, from the uncivilized society, the fights and discrimination.

Not just between Socs and Greasers, but everything else. I went out into the country to get away from it all, now I'm wishing I never did. Things really are rough all over."

Things are rough all over.

I remember Cherry Valance telling me that. That was on the night Johnny killed Bob. So many things went down that night, and nothing was ever the same again. We can't go back. My body trembles with sobs, I have difficulty swallowing.

"Johnny, I had a dream about us. It was the closest I've ever got to perfection." I tell him, he stares at me. His expression is cold as ice.. "We were watching the sunset on the beach. It was the best thing I ever did see, until I looked to my side and saw you. And we got close, so impossibly close until I woke up and realized the only time I'll ever see you was in my sleep. It was later that day I decided that I would die, not live to see the sun come up or down ever again."

I can't help but chuckle in spite, Darry is gonna kill me. Heck, even Soda's gonna kill me. "Pony, go back home." He straight up tells me and my expression hardens. I ain't going back, no way. I'm too deep into this mess now. "What?" I mumbled. "Leave, you weren't meant to be here." He has the audacity to say that, so I speak up against him. "And you're supposed to be dead!" I yell and I can see him shatter and he looks just as pathetic as he was in the hospital, and when Dally yelled at him, and when he'd put up with the abuse.

Johnny is an angel. It doesn't matter that he's a greaser, he's gold. He's pure. His wavy dark hair sways with the breeze. "You said it." He tells me. "Just remember that you said it, I'm supposed to be dead."