If only I knew

Chapter Seven

Sunday is always a busy day for me because I usually spend at least half a day in church on Sundays. 

Church service starts at eight thirty am but I don't attend this service because I help out in the Sunday school. So I have to be there around seven thirty to help set up which means I have to leave the house around six thirty, which means I have to wake up at about six. It is tiring every week but when I see the kids I feel very satisfying and when they smile back at me or greet me lovingly or hug me, all my weariness slide away. 

After Sunday school for the first time slot, I will then attend the second service at eleven thirty which usually ends around one or one thirty. Sometimes we will meet up - the sunday school group, and go for lunch together, if we have a meeting afterwards. Sometimes we have a meeting straight after. Sometimes we have a cell group meeting. Anyway, typically, church will take up the entire morning and afternoon. I might go off with a friend or two for dinner or I might drop by my grandparents' place to visit them or I might meet my mom and the uncle for dinner if she asks. She also goes to church in the morning and afternoon but a different church. The uncle goes to another church while my sister doesn't go to church at all. She stopped going to church after she went to college when she broke away from the cycle moving into the dorm. After she moved back to the house, she just didn't return. 

I think in a way, you can say, we've been 'forced' to go to the church by my mom. She would get so upset if we ever disobey her in anything. In order not to put her in such a bad mood and make things worse for us, we just oblige. I have always been the more 'obedient' one while my sister was the more 'rebellious' one. She would challenge my mom, test her limits, sometimes she gets away with it. But it was never the case for me. Perhaps my mom was accustomed to me being obedient so she cannot stand it when I deviate. I stopped fighting with her over it so I just accommodate her as much as I can. My sister says I'm silly. But because I'm silly, we do get more peace at home. 

I suspected I could once have mild depression, due to the stress I got at home. My mom drives me crazy but yet I couldn't rebuke. Going home each day was like a torture. Work became my refuge and sometimes I deliberately stayed back in the office just so I didn't have to go home so early. Esme and Jasmine knows about my situation and they feel sorry for me. They know there's nothing I can do about the situation, until the day I break free from my mom, perhaps by moving out. But that is not quite an option until I get married. My mom might really just break all contact with me if I move out on my own and that in Asian culture is unfilial. Darn the values. 

To be honest, sometimes, or a lot of times, I am also tired on Sunday. But it is my excuse to get away from the house, as well as to prevent her from nagging at me. Also, I am a person who finds it very difficult to say no. That's why I always ended up taking a lot more work and stuff. My ex-boyfriend Hayden used to lecture me about it. We had quite many big fights over it. One hand I would complain about being over-loaded, but yet I cannot let go my duties and kept saying yes. I used to do church work on Saturdays as well, with the youths. And Hayden would get so upset because I hardly had any time to hang out with him. I mean, it's not quite fair to him if his girlfriend cannot spend the weekends with him. That was also one of the reasons we broke up. He got married last year. I didn't attend the wedding though he invited me. It just didn't feel right.. 

So on Sundays, I don't usually check my phone. Nobody texts me anyway, except sometimes one or two from the girls, or from work. So I usually leave it in my bag and my bag in the locker until lunch or even later. Today I only picked up my bag at almost two when we go for late lunch. 

"Where are we going for lunch?" Steven, our group leader asked. 

"Who's going for lunch?" Jaime asked. "Casey, are you joining us?" Maybe because I was standing a little behind the group and she thought I might not be joining them.