HEART OF GOLD | CORIOLANUS SNOW

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍 115

Lilith didn't think there was a part of her that wasn't already broken, but Archie's words shattered her some more.

Archie, who'd joined their gang because of Athena. Archie, who'd been there when Athena wasn't. Archie, who'd carried her books when her arm was out of commission. Archie, who'd lashed out at her the day after Valentine's Day. Archie, who'd shifted his barbeque because of her. Archie, who'd answered Olympia's call about her running away from the party by getting into his car and chasing her down. Archie, who'd fallen ill just like her after trying to get her out of the rain.

Archie, whom she loved like an older brother.

Her voice trembling, Lilith began, "Arch, I—"

But what was she going to say? What could she say?

"I'm sorry, Lil. I didn't mean to make things harder for you. I thought I could—" Sighing, Archie pulled away and brushed tears from her face. "Don't cry for me, please. Maybe I can't be the guy who makes you smile, but I don't want to be the guy who makes you cry."

Nodding quickly, Lilith straightened up and wiped her eyes and cheeks.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," assured Archie. "It's not your fault. I know you can't help it. You're too kind for your own good. You let people take advantage of you without even knowing it."

Lilith stiffened, remembering the phrase from when he'd grumbled about her working overtime on Valentine's Day. She wasn't sure if Archie noticed, but he changed the subject all the same.

"You haven't eaten much. Can I take you somewhere for dinner?"

On the screen, Lilith realized the credits were already rolling. She shook her head and bent forward to retrieve her purse, scooping her mozzarella pretzel up with its paper wrapper.

"I'm tired. I think I'm just going to go home."

"Lil, you can't not eat."

"I'm not hungry," said Lilith.

"You're never hungry anymore!" Archie snapped, his features twisted as if in pain. "Have you seen yourself? It's bad enough that he hurt you. Now you're hurting yourself because of him. Watching you give him all that power, do you know how much it—?"

He cut himself off with a forceful huff, but Lilith already knew what he meant:

Do you know how much it hurts?

Of course, she knew. It was the whole reason why she hadn't seen herself.

Since the hairdresser Criseida hired had been done with her, Lilith had been religiously avoiding mirrors. She averted her eyes, or sometimes just closed them altogether when at the sink or her vanity. For the past week, Mae handled everything, from her clothing to her makeup to her shoes, with Lilith trusting that she looked presentable whenever she headed out—not that she really cared how she looked anymore.

Styling outfits and dressing up no longer interested her. Everything no longer interested her, especially her own reflection. She didn't want to see herself and be reminded of all the damage that had been done: to her weight, which her constantly loosening waistbands suggested; to her hair, which had been inflicted by her own hand; most of all, to her heart, which consumed not just every waking thought but haunted her dreams.

Every night without fail starting her recent hospitalization, except those when she had been too indisposed to be conscious, Lilith had had the same dream: She was running by the lake when he materialized—no wall, no fence, no gate. Sometimes, the colours of their apparel changed, but she always had her ponytail, and he always strode toward her. She could never tell what she did, but she always ended up in the same place: in his arms. He rasped her name in that low, hungry whisper, and rather than just thinking it, she purred his just as needily. Unlike the first time, whenever she gave herself up for the kiss, she got it. It was so sweet that she cried. Then, she was awake, and it was so awful that she cried.