Surprise update! lol I been updating pretty much daily now.
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Beyoncé POV
11 AM
I sat at my therapist's office. I haven't seen her since Shawn and I reconciled. This would be my first in-person session in years. Dr. Howard told me I should continue my sessions even after Shawn and I got back together but I didn't listen. I didn't want to admit I had more issues than I let on.
"Hi Beyoncé, it's been awhile since we last spoke. How've you been and what made you decide to see me?" Dr. Howard asked with a small smile on her face.
"Yeah so... um. Shawn and I are divorced. I caught him cheating again and it brought back a lot of old wounds. I don't think I was ever able to fully trust him again and I'm realizing it did a number on me." I started and took a deep sigh before continuing.
"I've been analyzing the past few years and I noticed how anxious I was when Jay wasn't around. It wasn't because I enjoyed his company or anything like that - it was because he was by my side meant he wasn't cheating, at least not at that moment. I was with him 24/7. I lost interest in my hobbies... Work and my children became my life. How fucked up is that? I haven't enjoyed his company in recent years if I'm honest." I said truthfully.
"So what made you realize this? Was there a trigger?" Dr. Howard asked me as she wrote on her notebook.
"I'm sorta seeing this girl... and I know it's a little soon from my divorce. That marriage was over for a long time though. Shawn is not happy about Megan at all. It's been kind of a whirlwind romance but she's such a blessing. She's there for me and she's been nothing but supportive of me and my children. I just.. something in the back of my mind is making me anxious that she'll do me like Jay, even when she's done nothing to indicate she'd do me dirty like that. I saw an ex of hers comment on a picture of her and I started to feel jealous. I had to talk myself out of having a panic attack. I've been having those more and more, more than my usual" I continued.
"Do you think it could be a self-esteem issue?" Dr. Howard asked. If she's asking she probably thinks it is.
"Sometimes, I do. I wasn't good enough to keep Jay around so why would I be good enough for Megan? I have thoughts like this and I have to remind myself that it's not a me issue. Nothing I did was what caused Shawn to cheat - he did that on his own. Those thoughts enter my mind and I am able to talk myself out of that headspace but they've been happening more frequently since he cheated again." I said.
"That is normal though. You trusted and loved someone and they hurt you badly. The pain they caused you is real" she said and I nodded, I was starting to tear up so I grabbed a tissue.
Dr. Howard pushed her glasses over her nose bridge. "What made you decide to pursue something with this girl? What makes her different?"
"Things sort of just happened while we were in Japan. " I replied.
"You mentioned you had a panic attack — how did you handle the panic attack, or the onset of having a panic? Do you have panic attacks that aren't related to Shawn or the new girl? " She asked me.
"I try to remind myself that Megan isn't Shawn. And yes, if I really wanna be honest, I've been having panic attacks for over 10 years now. It could be random triggers - I remember during one of my vacations — I panicked because I left my sunscreen when I could've bought more in Cannes. I knew it was illogical but I couldn't help it. Jay said I was stupid and needed to calm down which made me feel even worse. I questioned my sanity at times." I replied back.
"Reminding yourself that they are different people is a good start, Beyoncé. There is nothing stupid about having a panic attack. I'm starting to think you may have anxiety but I do not see the need for medication just yet. Have you been honest with her about your struggles and your thoughts?" I know I should but it's not the time to right?
