Fade Into You

Selfish

It was 3 am and Lizzie hadn't slept yet, she had been carefully removing any trace of Robbie from her bedroom and collecting it into a shoe box. She had the salt lamp on so she could see but that left me without sleep too as all I could see was an orange light when I closed my eyes and a small mutter of phrases leaving her lips to the point, I was now wide awake, still lying down and just watching her with open eyes. The box was pretty much full now, a collection of photos, dried flowers and some pieces of jewellery as well as the band t-shirt I had seen her wearing on countless occasion folded on top.

"I like that t-shirt," I spoke quietly.

She turned to look at me and shook her head, "I didn't know you were awake."

"You're not being very quiet," I replied with a yawn.

"Sorry," she mumbled, "I just need this out of my head, all I can think is that he was crying ... I've never seen him cry."

"Was that his t-shirt?" I asked.

"He was in this band when we were in school, its their merch," she explained, "I can't even look at it anymore- am I an awful person? I've really hurt him."

"You're not an awful person baby," I sighed, "you were just in a relationship where you couldn't give 100% and you handled it in an irrational way but you're not a bad person. I don't think that and neither does Robbie; he was upset because he still loves you and he's trying to figure out what he could've done differently."

She nodded slowly and kept packing up little trinkets from around her room, "god everything reminds me of him, I was over this six months ago, I don't want to be feeling it all again now."

"Why don't you just come to bed?" I suggested.

She shook her head, "I don't think I can sleep; my mind is moving too fast. He looked so fragile and broken ... I did that to him."

"The war did that to him," I corrected, "it's not your fault he turned up at your front door Liz."

"I was going to have to talk to him at some point," she sighed.

"You were but you would've had time to plan what to say," I replied with another yawn, "come here, lay down."

"I'm not tired," she shook her head.

"You had a pretty bad panic attack earlier, your body needs the rest; just humour me and get into bed," I said bluntly, shuffling back and lifting up the duvet so she could lie in front of me.

Exhaling shakily, she hesitantly took off her pyjama bottoms and climbed into bed next to me, bringing the duvet up to her neck as I wrapped my arm around her waist in a spooning position. I placed a soft kiss on her shoulder and felt her tense body slowly relax under my touch.

"I hate myself," she whispered.

I stayed silent but felt my lips downturn a little.

"All he's done for half of his life was love me and I couldn't love him back, I couldn't even have the decency to break up with him before getting with someone else," she sniffled, moving to wipe her eyes which were now damp, "I never wanted to hurt anyone, I didn't mean to fall in love with you, it just happened. It happened before you kissed me and there was nothing, I could do about it. I've just been falling harder since, and I almost forgot that I already had someone who loved me. Who just forgets about their boyfriend? All of our friends are going to find out that I- I cheated on him. I slept with someone- fell in love with someone else ... but I'm so happy I met you, I'm so grateful you walked into my life and swept me off my feet so I should feel guilty that I allowed you to get close to me, but I don't. I can't feel wrong about something that feels so right, even if that means breaking Robbie's heart. I had to be selfish, I couldn't stay unhappy in the relationship we had ... I should've just broken up with him."