Quiet women and other myths: A collection of musings

2. A sonnet for stupid girls (with excerpts from a stupid girl)

LOVE LIKE A MOVIE

I never learn my lesson and God is going to make sure I keep retaking the same test until I do... this, this is my lot in life.

You knocked on the door, polite and charming at first contact; If I could liken you to anything in this world I would say 'Have you ever seen a movie where a character hits rock bottom and as a visual representation we see them lose their umbrella in a storm forcing them to walk for hours in the cold pouring rain until they come to a cottage so far removed from the others it is as unbelievable as it is welcome; with its adorable windows and yellow light contrasting the dark chilly night, a smell of freshly cooked stew and an overall air of comfort?' because that's you to a T! It bothers me how even after everything, thoughts of you still invoke this very feeling, but enough about that.

I'm not feeling very benevolent or mature...as I stand at a comfortable 5 ft 2 in (and barely there), so do not ask me to be the bigger person because you were supposed to be different. You were supposed to be my good Karma for every shitty ex I had endured; I waited eagerly to meet you at some point and erase the imprint they'd left on me. Wipe the slate clean, start afresh. It was supposed to be you with your soft voice and penchant for indie movies. You with your wire framed glasses and your part chuckle, part snicker laugh.

You weren't like the others, you didn't scream when angry, you shouted for passion and passion only, you wore your emotions like a comfortable sweater, they weren't foreign to you like all the others. You empathized, you soliloquize-d, you would've asked me what I had said when everyone else had talked over me, that was the kind of person you were. You wanted to fix everything so I wouldn't have to worry. You wanted an excuse to run your hands through my hair, loving each strand even when I could only muster tolerance.

You were good and kind and everything right with the world until you weren't and then somehow I was back to being a kid sitting on the curb with no one around because everyone else had gone home and I had no other company but this overwhelming sadness that I couldn't shake off even while I walked away.

And it scared me to no end that you would be comfortable hurting me this way, over and over and over again. Don't you dare say I never spoke about it, because I learned to communicate only for you, I learned not to fear my voice and my desires because you told me it was okay. I was on my way to being a better person and you just poof! Disappeared like some freaking genie in an Arabian tale.

Worst of all, I couldn't even be mad at you because I wasn't your burden to bear and you had your own stuff to deal with so all I could feel was sadness, even while I struggled to get up every morning.

I lie... It wasn't only sadness...I felt anger too, but not at you, I never could bring myself to be angry at you. No, I was mad at myself for letting you in because I thought you were different and maybe I could teach myself to trust you, but look how that turned out...now we're just two estranged characters at the end of your favourite Latin indie film. [stupid, stupid girl].