Secrets and Struggles

38

L- Caitlyn!!! Where are you? Are you okay?

C- Hey

It was all that she could get out in between sobs. As she tried to gather herself enough to speak she became aware that Lando was also sobbing on the other end of the phone. She hung up the call before switching to facetime, she needed to see his face. As he answered, she was shocked at his appearance. He was pale, his eyes sunken and the familiar emerald spark had gone, replaced with a darkness. The guilt consumed her instantly, knowing that she had caused this pain in him.

C- I am so sorry Lando. I have been so selfish, I realise that now seeing you

L- I am so glad you're okay. Where are you? Are you safe?

C- I am safe baby. You will never believe me but I am actually on the Orkney Islands. When I left your house, I wasn't thinking straight and I got to the airport. I wanted to disappear and this is the furthest place I could get to.

L-  I have been so worried about you. I knew deep down you were out there somewhere but it was so hard not knowing

C- I know, I am so sorry. I was in such a dark place, I still am but I saw your email and it made me snap back. I realised I couldn't do this to you any longer. I honestly didn't mean for it to go on this long. I picked up the phone so many times but I just couldn't make the call

C- I don't think I will ever be able to say sorry enough, it was selfish of me. And then you not being able to race this weekend, its all my fault.

The sobs came again and this time there was no stopping them. The pair cried together for what felt like an hour before stopping. 

L- It's not your fault Caitlyn. You have been through so much, too much. And then me and Max let you do everything here, we should have stopped you doing it all. I should have been looking out for you more. I know better than anyone that mental health is as important as physical health. I let you down. I should have seen signs that it was all too much

C- There was nothing you could have done baby. I didn't even see it all myself. I heard you on the phone to Charlotte that morning and I stupidly searched up the article. It was the tipping point in everything that has happened to me. 

Just then a door behind Lando opened and she saw Max enter the room carrying some food and drink on a tray. He had been clearly trying to keep Lando going since Caitlyn had left. He first looked at Lando, noticing he had been crying again, then noticed that he was on facetime to someone. At the sight of Caitlyn, he dropped the tray, with the contents crashing to the ground before rushing over.

M- OMG Caitlyn!! You're okay. Where are you? Do you need any help? Are you safe???

C- Max, take a breath! I am safe, don't worry. I am not okay, I don't think I have been for a while but I will get there. But I need your help?

M- Anything, what is it?

C- I need you to keep looking after Lando until I get home?

L- You're coming home?!

C- Yes I am coming home, if you will have me back?

L- I will charter a plane now and come and get you

C- Do not bother! I will check when the first flight I can get back is and I'll let you know

After saying goodbye, Lando and Max hugged each other, both relieved that Caitlyn was okay. Max had been so worried about his best friend and it was actually him that had contacted Zak, although Lando didn't know it. He was worried that he would get in the car and do something dangerous. Driving in formula one needed 110% focus and there was no way he would be able to perform at that level. The pair spent the afternoon letting everyone know that Caitlyn was safe and returning home. Lando had spoken to Charlotte and arranged for details of a counsellor to be sent over for her. He wanted to help his girlfriend as much as he could but this was going to take more than what he was capable of. 

Meanwhile, Caitlyn had managed to book onto a flight the following morning. She packed up her things and tidied the bedsit, which had become disgusting in the time she had spent there. She took one last walk to the cathedral and wrote a letter to her mum, which she would leave hidden inside one of the pews. She needed to get it all off her chest if she wanted to recover from this and writing was the only way she knew how.

Mum,

I am writing this to you on my last morning here in Orkney before I return home. I wanted to tell you that I hate you. I hate the things you have done to me and the person you made me become. This has been the hardest part of my life so far, and its all because of you.

You repeatedly broke me as a person and let me down. I always hoped that one day you would show up for me or tell me you were proud but I should have known better. You couldn't even make it home to say goodbye to me when I left to go travelling! I can't even tell you how excited I was to share it all with you but you even managed to spoil that for me. Your stupidity cost you your life and it took everything I had left from me. I nearly lost myself and had it not been for Lando constantly showing me what love is, the darkness would have won.

The thing I hate the most about all this, is that I don't hate you. I love you, and I always will but going forward I need to think about myself .

Goodbye Mum, 

C x

As Caitlyn took one last deep breath, she boarded the plane to head home to her knight in shining armour and the love of her life, Lando Norris.

The End

***

I hope you have enjoyed this book. It took me a while to get to a point I was happy with and I have left it slightly open ended incase I ever want to write a sequel. 

Please feel free to check out my other Lando story, Could it be?

ps. I hope you enjoyed the subtle nod to the classic 90's film, 10 Things I Hate About You

** I have started new new LN story called Is It Too Late? - please be aware this focusses heavily on mental health.**