Conversations I'll never have

Brooklyn at 19

3-23-24

I don't want to utter the phrase that describes how I feel.

Because then, I would feel like a disappointment. Or a failure. Like I didn't end up right.

It also makes me wonder if I'll ever feel differently.

But I gotta at least type it out.

I still feel like a child. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready to date, and love someone else. And live up to their standards for a partner. I'm not ready to have a career. And pay insurance. And live without my parents.

And my body. Oh my body. I look 15 to some people. Despite my dislike for being misaged, I am very comfortable and used to the way I look. It makes me wonder when drastic changes will occur, and almost fear to look different. I'm not ready to look older.

I'm not ready for anything, but I feel a constant pressure that I should. I feel it every time I see a couple my age. Every time someone spews out their major and plan. Every time I get misaged. Every time I look in the mirror. Every time I step on the scale, and know my mother would judge me for my weight. Every time people mention alcohol. And partying. Every time I see a girl that looks put together. Every time. All the time.

I wanna crumple life and it's expectations in to a tight ball, and throw it in the trash can at the edge of my bed. Then paddle board all day, everyday.