The Queen Of Fuck Ups {m.c.}

'Alice'

"I once wrote a poem. The poem was about a little boy and a red balloon. The boy cried because he couldn't buy a dress and when his parents fell asleep at 1 am he put on his mothers makeup so he could feel pretty. It was beautiful and meaningful." The others look fascinated at me. Maybe it's the fact that I speak in a deep way. I only get deep when I'm almost passing out, but they don't care because so are they.

"I hated it. A poem doesn't make a difference in someone's life and save their lives. Little boys with red balloons still die, because that is the way society wants it. Little boys with red balloons don't get to wear dresses and makeup to feel pretty. They don't bend the rules and they don't get to have a say in the world. My little boy with the red balloon got killed by sadness and you know what the worst part is?" I look knowingly at the group of wasted teenagers around me and they all shake their heads.

"NO ONE GIVES A FUCK!" I stand up and scream. The little boy with the red balloon is the only thing that makes me want to get angry. And that is only when I'm drunk as fuck. I take a sip from the vodka bottle and look at my friends that now starts to realize that I am back from being deep.

So yeah. That's me. I'm angry and I yell. I don't give a shit anymore, because why bother? I'm gonna die anyway. My friends think I'm too fucked up and they all want to help me. The only thing they didn't think about was the fact that I just really don't care anymore and I just want to drink and fuck. When you've been through enough shit you just learn to fake your way to happines. And that is my way.

"Really Alice? We know you must've cared for the boy. Why don't you just say it? You talk about him every time you get drunk." Melanie tries to look parent-y, but she is too wasted to be able to do that in any way. A short laugh flows over my lips because really? Her mom is a psychiatrist so she always try to pull that shit on me, because: it's not healthy to ignore your problems with alcohol and nicotine. I however, think it is the most brilliant idea I've ever gotten. Except for the fact that I will die 20 years too early. But I'll kill myself before that happens so it's okay.

"You know what? Fuck you all. I'm leaving." I grab my bottle of vodka and stomp away. When Mel comes to this place I know I have to leave because either I'm too drunk for that conversation or else I'm too sober, which never happens. I don't think I've had a sober week in two years. Which is impressive since I'm 19.

People want to remembered in this world and know that they will live on in people's memories. I'm not like that. I'm a fuck up and when I die I just give a bit more room for the fuck up after me. If I'm lucky I want leave a legacy and the only thing that will be left of me is my drunk, dead body. I don't even believe that anything happens after that. If there existed a god I wouldn't go to hell or heaven. Neither of them would want me. I stop walking when I suddenly feel my shoes getting wet. I look down just to see that I'm fucking standing at the beach on my way into the ocean.

"Oh fuck no!" My shoes are already all wet and I don't feel like standing anymore so I just sit down and let my shorts get wet, because who even cares? I drank a bottle of Jack earlier this morning I think so I can't even feel the water, so who really does care?

"Hey babe" I hear the sound of another person sitting down in the water but I don't look. I know that voice in my sleep and it doesn't matter how noisy room I'm in, because I will still hear her voice.

"Why does she have to such a fucking bitch?" A small laugh fly over Jamie's lips and I smile lightly. She is the only girl I can really stand. Well Billie is nice but she is always on speed or something like that so sometimes she is fucking weird. Melody is the prude of the group. That doesn't mean she isn't a fuck up because she is like the rest of us. The only difference between her and us is that she still thinks everything through.

"Because she is smart Alice." Jamie lies down so her head rest on the sand and her body gets wet. Ironically enough when she is in water.

So we have Billie the stoner, Melody the prude, Jamie the rebel(because she always ends up in jail for the most weird shit so we have to bail her out) and then there is me. About a year ago the girls, the boys and I were sat on the roof of some random peoples house and Melody was in the middle of one of her speeches about me being a fuck up, when Jamie suddenly started to think out loud.

"Well X is not a fuck up. Look at her. Who drinks, smokes and parties that much when they are happy? Are any of you happy? Does any of you have a perfect relationship with your parents? Who lost their virginity in a romantic setting rather than at a bathroom at a concert? That could be three reasons to why X is as she is. She won't even tell us her real name and we are her friends who knows where she lives. Even at her house she is just X. I don't think she is fucked up. I think she is just as lost as Alice in Wonderland. Just searching for the perfect way or acid trip but we'll push the last one aside at the moment." I was so affected by the whole speech Jamie held that I remembered it all, even though it was a very eventful night.

So who am I in the group? I'm the lost one. That was also how I got my name Alice. Jamie started using it because people thought that X was too short so I adapted to Alice. Why don't I use my birth name? Because I don't fucking like it and that is the only important thing.

"Do you remember the night you gave me my name?" I look at the fucking hot girl at my side and she smiles a smile that can mean two things. She is either stoned as fuck or she just fucked. Or both. Which is very likely because she has an arrangement with Chris. He gets her weed and she fucks him. Not that they don't like it, but it's the only way Jamie can handle a relationship.

"Yeah we got so stoned on that strangers house that they called the police on us and we all got arrested. Melody's mother was soooo fucking pissed." We both start to laugh and I jump up because I've got a fucking amazing idea.

"You know what I want to do? I WANT TO GO SKINNY DIPPING!" I throw of my shirt and unbutton my shorts quickly, because I really want to get into the water."Oh my god yes!" Jamie follows me and soon enough we're in the water completely naked, screeching because the waters is cold, even though we can't feel the stinging cold. I really love these times, they make me feel a drunk kind of happy and that's better than normal, so I just love it every bit. I know it sounds touchy feely but deal with it because I'm happy as fuck and I love it. I forget I have scars all over my arms and that I planned my suicide when I was 13. These are the times I forget that I have to wake up tomorrow with a hangover and a craving for alcohol once again. These things don't matter down in the rabbit hole where all Alice's belong.

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So that was the first chapter. I know it was short but I just really hate starting stories, but I love the idea of this story so I just had to do this. So I hope you like this chapter and if you did please vote and comment because that makes me so happy!

-J