𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐆𝐎𝐓 𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐘, peter parker

CHAPTER 29

"GO AHEAD AND CRY, LITTLE GIRL. NOBODY DOES IT LIKE YOU DO."

ANDIE USED TO HATE THE RAIN. Not anymore, she now welcomed it with open arms. It was calming, the pitter — patter noise, the light stippling on the ground. Watching the cars go by, their cars swooshing in the puddles, their windshield wipers going crazily. People — watching, watching as they ran without and umbrella, the early twenties couple kissing in the rain, the elderly man holding an umbrella in one hand and the elderly woman's hand in the other.

Summer rains were especially a moment of serenity. It was currently August 20th, school started in a few weeks, and the reported light rain had turned out to be a severe downfall.

Andie sat at her bedroom window, re — reading 'A Good Girls Guide To Murder' for the third time. She felt mellow, which was a rare feeling in this day — and — age. The Blip chronically ruined everything for millions of people. Andie, gratefully, was Blipped. Her mother, however, did not. It worried Andie to think of how her mom was during those dark years, if she was okay, if she fell into another intense depression episode. Andie did know that Cléa had to move at least once as when Andie Blipped back, Cléa had a new address.

Andie had given up trying with her mother. She fed her, she filled up her water bottle. But that was it. She wasn't Cléa's mother, it was literally the opposite.

On the plus side, Cléa had gone to work three times in the month of August. Andie wasn't quite sure how she hadn't been fired yet, she did have a primarily online job, but from what Andie knew Cléa didn't do that either.

Andie was balancing three jobs, one at a superstore, one at a little ice cream parlour, and a babysitting job. She was doing all of this as a newly seventeen year old girl on her summer vacation, she was doing this to pay her rent, to buy food. She was struggling. It was bad.

As Andie watches the rain splatter down onto the busy streets, she feels an overwhelming sensation of loneliness. She's not lonely. She has friends, good friends, real friends. She has a boyfriend, a perfect, gorgeous, kind, smart boyfriend. She isn't alone, not really. But that doesn't stop those feelings. No matter how many times people say that they love her, there is still always a remaining pit in her heart, filled with nothingness.

She didn't understand herself. How can she be surrounded by people who truly love her, and still feel alone? It made her feel stupid, she knew she was loved, and yet, in the dark of the night, all that disappeared.

She reminded herself that she was being stupid, that she was indeed loved, that people cared for her, that if she just reached out to them, maybe if they reached out to her. She felt invisible.

It was like the feeling of craving lemonade, but then drinking the lemonade wasn't sufficient, because what you are really craving is the lemonade from five summers ago.

And the empty pit in her heart finds a home, the day her father died. Everything, every bad, traumatic experience finds its home there. Somehow, everything is because of that day.

Most days she's fine, and then a wave of sudden grief hits her. A feeling of guilt, and regret, and there is never any relief. There's never any gold at the end of the rainbow, there's no prize, it's just sadness.

Is she supposed to feel grateful, lucky, to have survived that day? Is she supposed to feel lucky that her father died instead of her? Is she supposed to feel grateful that she will never see him again?

Does suffering really make you a stronger person? Does it build character? Andie didn't agree. She felt weak, small, little. Maybe suffering is just suffering. Maybe it's just pain, on pain, on pain.