Lost In My Mind

The Forest

I woke up the next morning. My neck was stiff and I was shivering. Probably not a good idea to sleep in the woods with just a jacket while wearing very thin leggings if I might add. 

Although I was freezing, I decided to stay in the woods and go exploring for a while. The world is such a beautiful place. The trees with their green leafs and the birds singing their quaint song.

I kept walking until I came across a little pond. It was clear, like looking through a glass window. It looked pretty deep as well. At the beginning of it was a little waterfall. The pond looked to be the size of a large swimming pool. I took off my shoes and dipped my feet in. Surprisingly it was very warm. So me, being the fish and idiot that I am decided to go for a little swim. I pulled my bag off, took off my jacket, my black sweatshirt, and my leggings. I felt the water once more before running and plunging into the water. I stayed under the water. I opened my eyes looking around me. It was so peaceful and warm. I saw a school of minnows swimming towards a pile of pebbles. The world is more beautiful than I thought.

I then remembered that I needed to breathe. I began to swim to the surface. Once I hit the top of the water I took a huge breath in. The cool air filled my lungs. I leaned back and sat there floating on my back. I look up at the trees and how they blended with the sky so well. This day is becoming more and more beautiful than I had thought it would be. 

I pulled myself under the water and swam to the very bottom. I stayed there, listening to the silence and looking at the beauty hidden in the darkness. 

I could drown here and nobody would know. I could just disappear and it wouldn't even matter. Nobody would care. Marcus hates me and it's all my fault. It's not like I care about myself either. I'm the biggest screw up. If I'm gone, I couldn't ruin anymore lives. I see a whole world better off without me in it trying to change it... So what's the harm?

I began to struggle for air. I let as much air out as possible, telling myself that it'll be ok. I couldn't do it... I swam as fast as I could back up to the surface. My head went above the water and I sat there gasping for air. I swim back to land, and I'm shivering. I quickly put my leggings and jackets back on. I pulled my bag over my shoulders and began to walk. 

I didn't exactly know where my car was. I kept walking until I heard a rustling in the bushes. I stopped suddenly not prepared for what would be behind me. I slowly turn around and see nothing at first. 

I look closely and faintly see light brown hair from behind the bush. I though maybe it was just a baby fawn, but looking closer I begin to see skin... What? Holly, you must have swam in some contaminated water. You might be going crazy.

"Hello? Show yourself I can see you." I say my voice shaking a little. 

Still looking towards the bush, the figure begins to move away from it. I stare in shock...

"M-M-Marcus?" I say confused.  

"Holly!" He says, relief in his voice.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?" I answered.

"I've been looking everywhere for you. I asked some people if they have seen you driving on the road. They said you went towards the woods. Why are you all wet? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, just went for a swim ok? Well now you know where I am, you can leave now." I reply coldly. 

"What?! What are you talking about? You have to come back." He said disbelief in his voice.

"Why? What's the point? You and everybody else hates me. You would all be better off without me here."

He opened his mouth as to say something but I continued to talk.

"You know I could've done it right? I could have just ended it all and drowned myself. But it's not like you would care. You've been ignoring me all week. I know part of it was my fault but I didn't want to be hurt again." At this point I was in tears, "People push me around and I just take it all in. I wake up every morning and beg myself to keep going. Have you ever begged yourself? I could be gone in a split second and nobody would notice. I'd be dead and that would be the day that everyone supposedly loved me. If I could just hear those words maybe I wouldn't be thinking of killing myself every minute of my life. It's my fault I'm this way. I get to close to people and then I feel like I'm giving them too much and I push them back away."

With that last word I fall to the ground and put my head in my hands and continue to cry. This is the first time in years that I have said what was on my mind. It's the first time I've cried for help and the first time I cried in front of somebody. 

Marcus stands there shocked but soon rushes towards me and puts his arm around me. I dig my head into his neck still crying. 

"Holly, it's ok. It will all be ok." He says softly, "I love you Holly."

And with that he pulls me closer, tighter. At this moment, I blocked everything out. All my thoughts, all the sounds, everything. At this moment I finally felt safe...