Croissant and Cocktails: The Sex Tales of a Frenchman in London

Not a good guy, not yet an asshole

I hope that title have brought a few names up in your mind. But have you ever thought about who could call you the same? What was your excuse? I've been called an asshole more than once back in my early twenties. For some reason, today, I would not use this word any more to define someone I've dated.

Let's be honest: We all are the asshole of someone else. (Kind of like this word in the end. ASS. HOLE. ASSHOLE).

Although, if you ask any guy I've dated, none of them would call me like this. If you're not going farther than the last six years. On the contrary, actually, they would say I'm a good guy. Because, take it or not, I always cut the crap, and I am honest with them. For instance, if I'm dating other people, I'm not hiding it.

I'm going to give you another point of view on the person you have dated, the one you're dating, and also for the next ones. But first, what's a good guy? I'd say it's someone reliable and truthful. Basically, someone you can count on. That's the most important, at least to me. That leaves the assholes in chaos, where you usually find a lack of trust, cheating, lies, and hidden personalities. Sometimes though, it's just a person that doesn't want to be committed, but for many, that's an asshole category. The thing defining The Asshole is usually our mind and experiences. See, there are a lot of dating apps, and it's really easy to meet people. Before going on a date, you could ask yourself why you are going out there: Is it for fun? Are you looking for something serious? Boredom? Sex, maybe? There is no wrong reason to go on a date. Really!

If I'm going on a date, I keep in mind to have fun and take it from there. I'd never put pressure on myself for someone I don't even know. Expectations and pressure for a date lead, most of the time, to disappointment. Or worse.

Meeting someone, even if you have talked previously through an app, should be like opening a door. Not only a way to bring someone into your world, but visiting that person's world. The best dates happen when two different worlds, through conversations, start to feel like one. Sometimes it can be forever, sometimes for one night. The feeling after a nice date is always the same, it's just good. Even if it's just for one night.

Expectations can be a crazy killer when it comes to the dating world. How to expect something from a stranger? A few days or a few weeks of texting won't bring you anywhere and, to me, is not an excuse to expect something from someone. Don't be so sure to know the person you're texting or sexting with, because anybody that is more than 12 can text. A good texter could not be a good fit for you in REAL life, and sometimes a bad texter can be the funniest person you'd meet.

When people tell me about their dates and say stuff like "it was shit! Another Asshole", I always ask why and try to understand that statement to call someone else this way. Even if you lost your time, I mean, it's okay. I'd say, "Why would you call this guy an asshole? What was the problem?"

I'm not afraid to say that if you dig a little bit about your friends or people's stories and why they get upset after a date, it's usually a matter of ego. The only way for me to swear about people is if they're liars, disrespectful or any kind of person that gets involved for pleasure in violence. Except for that, well I'd just say we're all different. Personalities, characters, dreams, tastes... It won't always fit with everyone. Both ways. Everyone can't please you; you can't please everyone, and that's actually super cool!

Also, we are humans growing up a little bit more every day and our opinions change, our dreams change, even our personalities change. Throughout our history, our past and current pain, our past and current joy and everything related to us, as one. This changes our mind, and then we grow slowly as a different person. Coming out all over again and again.

This is why I always try to remember, and it's true for any person you meet (not only in dating life), that some of them are coming into our lives just to remind us that life can be funny or painful. The show must go on, and the pain is definitely a part of it. Romeo and Juliet are famous as much for their love than for the pain. Shakespeare, you damn asshole!

During a date, I also keep in mind what the other one is going through in his life and if he does not like me or if we want different things, then fair enough. I can't push anyone to stay, as I'd never let anybody try to keep me if I'm not willing to try any more. I would never get upset by being rejected. It's between your ego and yourself. For real. New dreams come around, new lovers too, that's nobody's fault. People, and you too, change. Even if it's just their minds. Flowers fade, and so does love and our old self.

I learnt at my own expense that anyway, people don't want the lie, but they also don't want the truth. I'm always clear with my partners, and here is the story. Furthermore, I was dating that guy that I met in a club in Paris. Let's call him Marvin. I saw him again the next day, and I had been very transparent that I was not looking for any kind of serious relationships. Which he understood. I was also dating another guy, a Greek guy, and they were both aware of the situation. However, after a few weeks, Marvin would start to become annoyingly jealous and very intrusive. As he was my favourite, though, I decided to break up with the Greek guy as this one wanted to head into something more serious.

One thing leading to another, I was only seeing Marvin, but I kept it a secret as I did not know how long that would be true. More weeks later, I was still not seeing any other guy, but people would start to come to me and tell me that I should be official with him. Note: People and friends can give their opinions, you don't have to take it into consideration if things are clear between you and your date. I obviously said that I did not want to.

I "broke up" with him after three months. Not only that, but I then realized that I was maybe doing something wrong as I was not dating anyone else, and I kind of liked that guy in the end. So, I asked him to try a relationship with some rules: I would not cheat, I would not meet up with other dudes, but he would have to stop the too many jealousy crises. I kept each of my words, from the day I met him, and he would not stop the crazy jealousy part. So, I broke up for good and explained to him that it was not my job to endure this. I told him that between us both, I was the one trying to make things work while he was just happy to show me around, and he did not try to understand what my needs and boundaries were. Only because he was blinded by his own needs. A few months later, he texted me and said that he understood that I never tried to hurt him and that I had been good to him. So, who's the good guy? Who's the asshole? Isn't it just young humans growing up?

As soon as there is respect, I can honestly say nothing too bad can happen. The best we can do is to simply enjoy our time and take it easy.