Croissant and Cocktails: The Sex Tales of a Frenchman in London

2 - I actually did not die as planned (December 2021)

Since I read that article about Amy Winehouse's death back in 2011 and learned about the 27th club, I decided that I wanted to be one of them. Twenty-seven sounded so far away from me at that time. I could become famous in between and just die. It became my anthem; if someone would ask me about the future, the fact that I'd like to die at 27 would come out, even though it was a joke in many ways, it was stuck somewhere in my unconscious as real. At the very same place, in my unconscious, I also have this idea that (because I've been told many times by witches, tarot readers, palm readers, my grandmother, or anybody having a gift or in connection with the divine) I would die very, very, very old.

Then, last month I turned 28 and I didn't die. Thank God. So maybe I'll have this long life and will die very, very, very old.

Though, something has changed. Within me, something has actually died while something else was starting to rise. My innocence has been lost a long time ago, so this is not what disappeared. I'm feeling on the edge of something new and big that I'm eager to discover, but it feels like I'm not quite ready yet. My spiritual self is evolving. I've had the best connection to my surroundings between 2019 and 2021.

Then something broke just before my breakup with my ex, but it was not only related to it. My vision of the world had changed. From the simplest pleasures to the humans themselves.

For months, I tried to observe and contemplate what was wrong with me and this new vision of the world that was occurring to me. I was seeing ourselves as vulgar animals, behaving with rules that we didn't want. It felt like a prison with nowhere to go, but still, something to learn.

Through meditation and a lot of introspection, I was on my way back to a new understanding of my life. Putting everything back together, between the pandemic, the world's problems, the family problems (my grandmother and uncle's death, my brother-in-law's accident), money issues, anxiety, heartbreak all seemed to be only chaos, and I really thought that I had already gone through worse than that. I'm not sure if I actually went through that much before, which made my judgment obviously darker.

I couldn't write any more, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even listen to anyone having troubles to keep my mind clear.

Furthermore, I kept thinking, "It's a matter of time, everything is going to be fine." I couldn't take any big actions, as I didn't feel like I was giving anything to the universe. Even if time heals everything, it can feel even longer when we're waiting for something to simply pass. And actually, it seemed like days were going faster, they became weeks and then months. I felt like I hadn't changed, but in fact, I did. Which is why it felt important to check up on myself because in these moments my feelings and fears were just up and down all the time, and it's hard to know when you're okay and when you're not.

This whole chaos started to look clearer and clearer as I was getting myself back together by practising gratefulness and thinking by myself and for myself again.

Slowly, everything started to find its way back. New projects came out of habits, leading to new ideas, and even more projects.

The whole lockdown and pandemic put us in jail where time was speeding, slowing, and stopping at the same time. My universe had shifted, and I lost the direction I was heading to. I forgot that I never had a destination (well, maybe NYC) and that I always have been the one knowing the journey is what counts and makes anything worth it.

So, I didn't die; instead, I got a rebirth at 28. I went through Hell and came back. I'm quite proud but also thankful that I've been allowed to feel and see what I've never understood from the others, before fighting my own demons.