Attack on Titan One Shots

Keeping Up with the Survey Corps

Interviewer: So Mr. Jaeger, what was it like to kill your own kind?
Eren: Well...

"Oh my god. I'm about to kill this Titan Annie bitch. Who does she think she is?" Titan Eren thought as he slammed the peasant titans. "I am so done with you, you, and all of you. All of you peasant bitches are disgusting. Get away from me."

Eren: Killing my own kind was shocking and tragic. But you know what? *sniffles* It was for the greater good to save humanity.
Interviewer: I see... Armin, how did it feel to have such a close friend going from human to Titan?
Armin: It felt...

Armin rolled his eyes, "Oh my god, Eren. I swear, just because of the fact I won't give you my steak plate, doesn't mean you have to go all ape-shit crazy and turn into a goddamn Titan."
"Pfft," Eren rolled his eyes, "what are you going to do about it?"
"Call Levi to beat you up again, duh?"

Armin: It felt kinda hard, you know? I have to keep him and his Titan form from getting hurt by others. He protected me; the most I could do is protect him in return.
Interviewer: That must be tough... would you like a tissue?
Armin: No thank you.
Interviewer: Mikasa, your body is pretty on fleek. How do you keep your body in such good shape?
Mikasa: I do 10 pushups as soon as I wake up. After I tidy myself up, I eat salad for breakfast and then hit the gym for a good 4 hours.
Interviewer: Bless you and your athletic soul. I heard you got Eren in shape. How did you do that?
Mikasa: Hm...

"EREN, GET ON YOUR FOREARMS AND TOES, AND SQUEEZE YOUR ASS. THAT'S HOW YOU PLANK." Mikasa instructed.
"This is so much! I give up!" Eren whined.
"Oh my god, Eren. We've been at the gym for 1 hour. You can't be that tired already. Give me 1,000 pushups, 500 sit ups, and 800 squats NONSTOP YOU FREAKING WIMP."

Mikasa: I give him motivational and inspiring quotes, and let him take his time. He's still a baby.
Interviewer: Aw, how sweet! So Jean, I heard that you've been hanging out with that special someone during half of the training season. What happened?
Jean: *sniffles* It's been difficult. I-I can't even right now.

Jean saw his supposed-to-be boyfriend, sitting against the wall... dead. "Ew, your face is half gone and half beautiful. Go to Sephora, get plastic surgery, or something. Well, until then, I-G-G-BYE BIATCH. . Gotta get me some Starbucks."

Jean: Seeing him like that really hit me hard. I literally cried like I can't even.
Interviewer: Sorry to hear that, boo-boo. Tissue?
Jean: Yes, please. *blows nose.*
Interviewer: Corporal Levi! You've been gaining so much attention from young fans already! How did that make you feel?
Levi: It makes me very happy. *fakes a smile*

"Levi, your picture is #1 trending on Twitter!" Hanji said as she browses her phone.
Levi lifted his brows, "What?"
"The hash tag is #LeviFromSurveyCorps. You're like the new Alex from Target."
"Do they even know how old I am?" He asked with a disgusted look on his face. "Like, that is so g-ross."

Interviewer: Sounds wonderful. Mr. Erwin, your hair is always on point! With all these Titans around, how do you manage to keep your hair neat?"
Erwin: I use the Titan's blood to keep my hair neat. *laughs* JK.

"Oh, this big-ass Titan bitch 'boutta hit me? But first, lemme take a selfie," Erwin said as he sticks out his phone to get a better view of himself... until he saw a strand of hair sticking out. "EW, EW, EW, EWW. Oh my god, I look so disgusting. Where's my hair gel? If it's not in my belt, I'm going to throw a BF," he panicked as he looked through his belt.
The Titan looked at him curious. It was probably wondering what a BF is.
"IT'S NOT IN MY BELT! I'M GOING TO THROW A BITCH FIT!" He angrily yelled as he began to slay that Titan. He then spots his bottle of hair gel on his horse. "Oh, there it is!"

Erwin: I really don't care about how my hair looks while fighting.
Interviewer: Interesting... So, Miss Hanji, I heard you're working on a major project. Would you mind giving us some info?
Hanji: Of course!

"This one's for the Titan with boomin' body. 6 packs, long hair with the coolin' booty. When he come up in the woods, he be hitting that. Got Titans round him like he be all that," Hanji rapped in her lab.
"Oh my god, Hanji. What the hell are you doing?" Levi asked.
"Making my own mixtape! Fuck science! The world needs Hanye West."
"...Bye, Felicia," he said as he leaves the lab.

Hanji: I'm doing an investigation on the Titan's... waste system. Where do their little human snacks travel to after landing the tummy? The world will soon find out if you follow me on Twitter and SoundCloud @HanyeWest!
Interviewer: That is interesting and disturbing at the same time... Sasha Braus! We heard that you've been eating potatoes for 3 meals a day? Is that true?
Sasha: What? No? I don't wanna look like Honey Boo Boo ew. They'll call me Sasha Boo Boo. *fakes a laugh*

"Mm, this is so good," Sasha said as she laid on her bed, eating a large plate of potato fries. She picked up a potato chip and ate it. She then scooped a spoonful of sweet potato and ate it. She even munched on those potato smiley fries. "Best. Diet. Ever."

Interviewer: What do you eat then?
Sasha: ...Lettuce.
Interviewer: Lettuce move onto Connie! Connie, dear, were you born bald?
Connie: *disgusted look* Excuse you, were you born rude?
Interviewer: Sorry. How do you wash your head?
Connie: Well...

"OH MY GOD!" Connie screamed from the shower.
"What's wrong, is everything okay?" Armin ran in with a worried look on his face.
"MY SHAMPOO IS GONE. IT HAS ALL OF THESE VITAMINS AND I JUST CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW! IT'S DESIGNER SHAMPOO, OKAY?" Connie panicked with a towel wrapping around his waist.
"You need like, help. I'll get Erwin to fix your head," Armin left.

Connie: I'm not really picky when it comes to shampoo, conditioners, or whatever. I'll use whatever.
Interviewer: I see... Well that wraps up today's interview with the Survey Corps.
Jean: I-G-G-BYE BIATCHES.