Homesick

10

It's been a few months since all that craziness unfolded and I'm feeling a lot better. Currently I'm making dinner, wanting it to be ready when Lia gets back from the academy. She's been working so hard lately and I want to do something nice for her. The blonde always cooks for the girls, so I told her not to eat any of her delicious cooking because I'll have something waiting for her at home.

I've been thinking a lot recently about our relationship and how it's withstood so much despite us not being together for that long. I mean we moved in together after all of three months, only like two of them dating. It's been roughly a year and some change now but still, with all we've been through, it feels like nothing almost. Yet at the same time, other than the hardships, it's been the best time of my life.

I have no doubts in my mind that she's the person I want it all with. Which is why I've been thinking of proposing and/or introducing the idea of starting a family together. I'm pretty certain that she feels for me the same way I feel about her but this is still nerve-wracking. Everything is pretty much done, the food just needs to settle before serving.

I head into our bedroom in the meantime to change my clothes. As I'm pulling on the dress I picked out earlier, using only the light of the recently risen moon as my guide, I'm spooked by something outside the window. I freeze in my tracks but I don't turn my head to look, too afraid that I might actually see something.

I slowly move around the bed to grab my socks and clutch them tightly in my hand. I take a few seconds to breathe, attempting to calm myself. I see another shadow move and I make a run for it, dashing out to the safety of the kitchen. Not only are the lights on in here but there's also so many weapons at my disposal that help me feel more safe.

If Cordelia was here I wouldn't worry, she would always protect me. Now my thoughts are on a completely different scary realization. I've never felt inferior to the blonde before, always thinking it was sweet that she looks out for me. It gives me a sense of security I've never felt before, knowing that someone will always be there to take care of me; it relieves the burden of having to take care of others as I've always done.

However, things are different now and where I once felt like I willingly surrendered to her; it's been replaced with me feeling helpless. I mean Lia is a witch, she has all these powers and means to protect herself and people around her. I, on the other hand, could never compare to that. It's wonderful that she has the ability to protect me and treats me so delicately, I have to say I'm even quite fond of that.

Yet, if the time ever comes where she's not there or if I end up having to protect her... how would I even go about that? "Sweetie?" I blink a few times before her confused face comes into focus. "Oh hi..." I mumble, "hey, are you ok? You look a little scared" her hand gently caresses my face and I smile. "I'm much better now that you're here. I... thought I saw a spider and came running out here" I chuckle, rolling my eyes funnily.

"I see. Whatever you made smells divine, almost as good as you. You look beautiful, by the way" she whispers against my lips before kissing me sweetly. "Thank you" I reply, zipping up my dress and slipping on my socks. "Just sit and relax. I've got everything covered" I assure her and usually she would protest but she listens to me for once, allowing me to serve her.

Once the plates are all set up I take a seat across from her, watching as she takes the first bite and closes her eyes with a hum. "God... this is so good, baby" she moans, "speaking of babies" I prompt after I've returned to my body. She almost chokes on her wine and chuckles at herself before asking me to elaborate.

"I've been thinking... a lot actually. I know we haven't really been together long and... we've spent a lot of time apart" my gaze falls and she squeezes my hand, giving me the courage to meet her eyes. "I don't know really the 'correct' order to do things but... I just thought the other day that... well, I really want a family with you—I want everything with you and if that's too much right now I understand but I wanted to let you know how I was feeling" I ramble.

"You... I'm sorry, y-you want to have kids?" she stutters quietly, "i-it doesn't have to be right now I just... yeah. I don't really—I mean I was never that girl that dreamed of having kids. My mom even said at one point that I wouldn't because I was too selfish but I'm not and... I just feel like being with you has really changed my perspective on a lot of things and—I mean of course I kinda figured I'd want kids at some point—I guess it just took meeting you and being with you to... help me make up my mind" I ramble again.

"Alicia... I- I don't know what to say" she confesses, "that's ok. You should take your time to think about it and... whatever you decide is ok with me. I guess I just wanted to let you in on my thoughts or whatever" I shrug and chuckle shyly before taking a bite of my food. "What made you think of this?" she inquires, "I dunno. I just think you'd be a really good parent a-and I know how much you want kids..." I think aloud.

"But, sweetheart, this isn't something you can necessarily do for me. I mean—if you want children that's wonderful! I- I just want to make sure you're not doing this for me. It has to be something you want to or something that you're ready for" she explains, "I know. I think you can never be ready but I also think we can do anything when we're together" I whisper.

"That's really sweet, darling. And ummm I would LOVE to have a baby with you it's just... a lot has happened recently and as much as I want this—I want to also make sure you're in the right state of mind. Having a child can really take a toll on a person and also the relationship. You're right, you can never be 'ready', but it doesn't hurt to prepare" she advises.

"So... what are you saying?" I ask, "I'm saying... it's a great idea and maybe in a few months we can revisit it" she answers. I simply nod, taking a big bite of my food. "Can I ask where this is coming from? It's just that you've never even hinted at it before and suddenly you wanna have a baby" she prompts, "I dunno. I just thought it would be something good for us but I get some people want to be married first or just want to prepare more" I shrug.

"It's not that we need to be married first. I'm just concerned; I mean we've been through a lot in the past few months. You still have nightmares sometimes and it worries me" she confesses, "that has nothing to do with it and besides I'm the one who brought it up. Don't you think I considered that?" I ask harshly and she gently rests her fork down to clasp her hands.

"I understand if you're under stress and maybe this is a very sensitive topic to you but that gives you no right to talk to me that way. This is just as serious to me as it is to you, I'm not trying to insult you, I'm simply saying that maybe we're not in the right place right now" she says calmly but firmly and I nod, keeping my eyes on my plate.

"I'm sorry" I mumble, "it's ok, baby. You know what having a family means to me and it's not that I'm not over the moon that you want this... I just care about your health and want to make sure you're ok. Think of it like a race; you have to do work on the car before putting it on the track because if you don't it'll probably fall apart. Stress will be put on the car anyway but if it's in good shape to begin with then it'll be easy to fix afterwards" she says and I nod along.

"Is there a specific reason you're bringing this up now?" she asks again, "I'm just tired of letting her control me and my thoughts. I figure that... I want to move on with you and grow with you. Having a baby just feels like it would make me so happy and I would be able to focus on something else" I admit. "Sweetheart... babies aren't bandaids. Trust me I know, I tried to do the same thing" she chuckles humorlessly.

"It's normal that this is still bothering you, ok? It wasn't some small blip and I'm sure it must've been really scary to not know when or if you were coming home. That being said, if you need therapy or anything at all for that matter—I'll be with you. I'll stick by your side through everything and go to the appointments if you need me there. I'm here for you, darling, all you have to do is say the word" she promises and I sniffle as I thank her.

She gestures for me to come over to her and I sit in her lap. We finish off the rest of the meal that way before cleaning the dishes together and heading to our room. We quickly take a shower before cuddling up in bed and talking about the possibility of couples therapy. Obviously not because there's problems between us but the event had effects on both of us and it'll be good to get those thoughts and feelings out.

"You can always come to me, alright? Because next time you suggest we have a baby I'm gonna steal sperm and just inseminate you instead of talking you out of it" she jokes as she pokes my stomach. "You wouldn't" I gasp dramatically, "oh I would. And you'd like it too" she mumbles against my skin before placing a kiss behind my ear.