Homesick

9

My eyes flutter open as I wake, my mind completely empty as it only focuses on getting everything up and running again. I sigh as I feel my limbs, curling my toes to crack them. I turn my head and my eyes widen a bit as I take in my surroundings. No no no. I was just at home, there's no way I can't be back here—it's not possible. "Hi, sweetheart" I hear her voice echo around me and my body tingles, my nervous system seemingly going into shock.

"I missed you" her voice is closer, her face finally entering my line of sight. She smiles as she hovers over me and my breathing quickens. I try to move but I'm frozen, which only causes me to panic more. "Are you excited to see me? You're breathing so fast, baby... just relax" Her eyebrows furrow, her hand moving to rest on my chest. "Just breathe for mommy" she whispers and I stare into her eyes as they darken before me.

"You thought you could get away from me? I told you I'd never let you go... that I'll never stop looking for you... you're mine" she grins and I frown which she definitely doesn't like. "Oh, are you worried about blondie? I took care of her, don't worry. She won't be a problem for us—or anyone for that matter" a giggle escapes her throat a while a tear escapes my eye.

"I know it'll take some time but eventually you won't miss her... you'll find that I'm a much better fit for you" she smirks as her hand runs down my body and as I begin to gain control, I shake my head quickly. "No? You don't want me?" she asks softly and there's this switch in her eyes that scares me. "Answer me, sweet tooth. You don't want your mommy?" she whispers dangerously and I don't move, thinking of a way I can convey it without upsetting her.

"I take your silence as an answer" she smiles, continuing with her hand. "Please" I choke out, "you can finally use your words I see. Please, what, pumpkin?" she smirks. "Don't" I force out, her face falls and I see that look from before return to her eyes. "You slut, so you let her fuck you but I can't? She doesn't love you, Alicia—at least not like I do! I risked my life for you! C-can't you see it?! Why won't you see it?!" she exclaims as her hands now grip my shoulders, her breath hot on my face.

"ALICIA" I jump up yet feel like I'm falling, my eyes wide and stinging as I feel strong hands on my shoulders. My head turns fast, almost giving myself whiplash, to see the worried face of Cordelia staring back at me. I look around and realize I'm in our room, it was all just a terrible dream. "Are you ok, darling?" she whispers in a sweet but concerned voice and I merely nod, my mind not fully there as I recall the nightmare.

"Tell me what happened" she mumbles, pulling my head to rest on her chest. I close my eyes and listen to the sound of her beating heart, irregular due to her anxiety probably. As it calms down so do I and, whilst taking deep breaths, prepare myself to explain everything to her. I tell her about the events of my nightmare, leaving out certain pieces to keep her from worrying even more.

"But that doesn't explain the shaking and mumbling—and you were breathing so fast while I tried waking you" she mutters, "I was?" I whispers and she hums to confirm. "Well she... there were some other things" I admit, "like what?" she asks with a patient and compassionate tone of voice. "She was... touching me and saying all these really horrible things..." I mutter, "touching you...?" I just nod as I close my eyes and she strokes my hair.

"I'm sorry, baby" she whispers, "it's not your fault. It all just felt so... real. I thought she'd taken me again and—I was so scared" I shiver as I remember the fear. "I understand. What did she say to you?" she asks softly and I can hear the hesitancy in her voice which brings me pause. "All the things about you again... comparing herself and how she could love me better... that I was just blind and that—" my breath shudders as tears come to my eyes.

My eyelids flutter as Delia places a gentle kiss on my forehead, giving me the courage to continue. "S-she called me a slut because... she didn't think it was fair that I let you—have sex with me—and not her" I whisper, "that's not true. What you and I have is special. It takes great trust to let someone take care of you in such a... vulnerable state" Lia argues and I nod in agreement.

"You know... she said to me—before I left... that you weren't like her and I; that you never knew what it was like to love someone so much that it consumes you. And... I think that's the problem with Diane; she wants love so much that it's come to the point of obsession—addiction. She takes it instead of asking for it" I think aloud before looking up and into Lia's eyes. She delicately wipes my tears as she smiles wearily and I flip over so I'm fully laying beside her.

"That's what makes this so different, the reason why I stay with you. All of it—it's an option. I don't feel trapped or caged, I know that you see me as my own person and not an object or... just an extension of yourself. It's a choice to love you and it's a choice to let you love me. M-maybe..." my gaze falls from hers and she lifts my chin carefully, bringing my eyes to once again meet the home that resides in hers.

"I let her get into my head before but I know the truth. You would never stop looking for me, just like I would never stop looking for you. Even if it's in other people, in other lives, different universes... we would never truly be apart" I whisper and move to quickly catch her tears before they can fall down her pretty face. "Alicia I- I've never loved anyone like I love you, so..." her gaze falls and I lift it just like she did to me.

"Perhaps she was right before—when she said that I never knew how it felt but being with you, it's opened my eyes. I didn't think, no I... I didn't know I even had the capacity to love a person so much. I never felt a love that's so overwhelming it almost feels... cinematic; a butterflies, heart racing, eye twinkling kind of love. It's exhilarating and... it's terrifying but... somehow knowing you're in it with me—I'm certain there's nowhere I'd rather be" I smile shyly at her expression, my eyes softening as she tenderly caresses my cheek.

"I love you" she whispers, "I love you more" I giggle. That's what it all really means, those three little words. That you'll be there for that person and that—no matter where you are or what happens in the world—being by their side just makes life better. "I'm so blessed to be with you" I grin goofily as I place a small kiss on her lips, "blessed, huh?" she giggles and I nod confidently. "By the lesbian goddess" I confirm, "oh really? Would you mind telling me who that is again?" she asks as she bites her lip to keep herself from laughing.

"Why, the one and only Sarah Paulson of course" I state with the utmost seriousness and she shakes her head in amusement.