Infinite

Selfish- Part 5

Houston, Texas, in Dr. Wilson's Office, Thursday, September 25th, 2030, at 3:55 pm

Lucas

I stand up from the couch and lock my fingers together on top of my head. I've never had a panic attack before, but this is the most anxious I've ever felt. My heart is racing and I'm having trouble regulating my breathing. I've been through thousands of hours of training on how to stay calm yet alert in every situation imaginable in space, but being in here, imagining my wife with someone else is gut wrenching.

I walk over to the window and open it, resting my hands on the sill. There's a slight breeze coming in, and I can smell some sort of Thai food down the street. The room is silent behind me until I hear the sound of pages flipping.

"Lucas," Dr. Wilson clears his throat, and I can hear him set his binder down on the coffee table. "I know that Rachel just shared a lot of really difficult information with you, and that you most likely need some time to process it."

I nod, keeping my face right in front of the screen, trying to breathe in as much fresh air as possible.

"Okay, let's take a moment to reset," Dr. Wilson interjects as he sets his binder down on the table. Rachel watches him move, avoiding eye contact with me. "Let's stand up." He gets up from his chair and waves his arms, gesturing for us to follow.

Rachel stands first, and I watch her closely. She takes a step away from me as she fixes her skirt, twisting my heart.

"I want both of you to close your eyes." Dr. Wilson looks at us expectedly.

I glance back over to Rachel. She closes her eyes as soon as she sees me turn my head. I sigh and close my eyes as well.

"Good. Let's take a few deep breaths to start. Okay, inhale, one , two , three," Dr. Wilson begins. "Now exhale, one, two, three. Good, let's do that a few more times." We follow his instructions, and I can feel the tension in my shoulders starting to fade.

Rachel does these kinds of exercises with her students when they need to be emotionally reset during class, I remember her practicing them with Anne while she was in school to see what helped. I only paid attention because I wanted to know how I could better help Rachel whenever she had a panic attack.

"Wonderful. Now, I want you to reach out and take each others' hands with your eyes still closed."

I clear my throat, trying to let Rachel know that I heard his instructions.

I slowly extend my right arm out until I bump into her. My arm is behind her, so I gently rest my hand on her back. I can feel her exhale sharply, like my touch has caught her off guard. I move my hand across her back and over to her arm, making sure I don't hurt her. I gently grab her hand, and she interlocks her fingers with mine. I can feel myself smiling as she pulls slightly on my hand, turning me. She grabs my other hand with hers and we stand for a moment in silence.

"Excellent. I want you both to take another deep breath and then open your eyes."

I follow his instructions and see Rachel standing in front of me. She's smiling at me weakly.

"We only have a few minutes left in our session today, but I don't have any other appointments," Dr. Wilson continues. "If you would like to stay here and finish this conversation with me present, then I'm happy to do that."

I'm not sure if I can bear another minute of talking about this.

"Or, if both of you are comfortable continuing this conversation privately, then I also support that. I will leave the decision up to the two of you." Dr. Wilson's voice is sincere, and I try to think about how I want this conversation to end.

"What do you want to do, Lucas?" Rachel's voice pierces my ears. "I'm fine with either," she says quietly.

I take a deep breath and turn around to look at her.

"We can go home and talk about it," I try to say this as gently as possible so she knows I'm not angry at her. I don't want her to be afraid to open up to me in an effort not to upset me anymore. She nods as she stands up, and Dr. Wilson gets up from his chair.

"Very well. If the conversation becomes too difficult, please give me a phone call." Dr. Wilson gently touches Rachel's elbow and tilts his head down at her, before looking over at me and nodding.

"Will do." I nod back at him and walk towards the door with Rachel.

#

The drive home is completely silent, and Rachel looks out the passenger window the entire time. I pull into our driveway slowly, hearing the leaves crunch under the tires. The sun is still shining, creating an orange glow coming in through the trees. I hear Rachel unclick her seatbelt and begin to open her door.

"Wait," I say quickly. I turn and look at her, but she still has her hand on the door and she doesn't look back at me immediately. "Please," I whisper to her.

She takes her hand off of the door and faces me. Her eyes are puffy and her cheeks are wet. She must've been crying the whole way home. My heart aches as I look at her. I know that she feels guilty about everything, but I don't want her to. I rest my elbow on the center console and place my hand gently on the back of her shoulder. She tilts her head back slightly and I can see her lips starting to quiver.

"Hey, I don't want you to cry anymore," I say as I reach up with my other hand and wipe her face. She turns her head and kisses my hand, closing her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Lucas," she whispers against my palm and furrows her brow.

"Don't, Rach. I'm not mad at you, I promise."

She opens her eyes and stares at me, confused.

"I'm really angry right now, yes, but not at you." My voice is stern as I'm trying to make her believe me. I take a deep breath and rub her cheek with my thumb.

"I pushed you right into his arms," I whisper. "I'm glad that he took care of you and was kind to you." I surprise myself as the words come out of my mouth. Rachel's eyes widen and she starts to shake her head.

"Hold on, let me finish," I interject.

She sighs, but doesn't say anything.

"I'm not surprised that he fell in love with you so quickly, because I did as soon as I saw you. And I've loved you for over ten years, Rach." My words catch in my throat as I'm trying not to cry. "But I've done a terrible job of showing you how much you mean to me." I tenderly run my hand down her arm, trying to settle myself so I can finish.

"I promise you that I will always tell you how I feel about you and what I'm thinking," tears start forming in her eyes again, and I can feel mine beginning to sting. "I can't lose you, no matter what. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She lets the tears fall down her face as she nods quickly. I wrap my arms around her and embrace her as tightly as I can with how we are sitting in the car. She presses her face into my neck and I hold her head, gently stroking her hair.

"I love you too, Lucas," her breath is warm against my chin. I pull away from her and tenderly kiss her on the lips. We sit together in the car for a little while longer before we decide it's time to get out.

I wait for Rachel as she walks around the front of the car. She immediately wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me again. Her lips are soft and sweet against mine. I push all of the thoughts about her being with Sam to the back of my mind, trying to focus on how she's all mine right now.