7th April, 2024
again today my mother's love was heartbreak and pain for me. i wonder how even her care and attention hurt, bring discomfort, bring physical exhaustion.
it must be karma. or some curse.
how do you build a relationship with someone you've repulsed and hated even in the uterus? how do you force yourself to love an unwanted child? the christian way?
years pass, but some things are not liable to mending.
i have been forcing myself to love my mother for too long. but she keeps on bringing me only shame, anguish and anxiety, and ache, even in the rare cases when she shows concern.
you know how two magnets would be attracted to each other strongly, but if you turn the polarities around - the push each other apart? it's the same in life.
some people are not meant to be. some relationships cannot be forced. sometimes, it might be a relationship with your own child. sometimes, it might be a stranger. it is a soul-to-soul connection, disconnection, attraction, repulsion.
no force can be applied to suffice. even when you bleed to implement it.
