Diary of souls

9. [how are you]

today, a random person, following me, asked me how i was.

how am i?

i have no idea. time does not pass here.

i discover weeks are gone, mostly by revisiting an old YT vid I've watched, and the time stamp says: uploaded 1 week ago. or when i get a notification for an unpaid bill. how much time has passed? a month.

i have no idea where time goes. life is empty, and quite meaningless, and i am saying this with zero melodrama. it just... the last 5 years have been a strong of news reports about the Apocalypse, happening already, all around us.

how am i?

how can i be?

i am wasting my time, waiting for an end without end. i am living on food and sleep, and a random book, from time to time. what's the point?

i need so little lately that even all the money i have saved is mostly untouched. it's here, and the all-the-time rising inflation is eating at it, biting off huge chunks, gnawing at it, swallowing it daily, dissolving it, magically, corroding it. what do i do? there is nothing to do.

i kinda only need a little bread from time to time. i need toilet paper and soap, for sure. but the rest...

hmmm.

there is a lovely word i love teaching to CPE students: austerity.

used to. used to teach.

i can't possibly teach anyone anything any more.

i am... spent.

~~~

how are you?

i am here. no news. nothing's new. waiting for life to happen. to other people.

my mind's deteriorating all the time. i can't focus. my writing skills are worse than they used to be, even last year.

so, nothing's new.

here. proof that nothing's new. AO3 still sucks, haha:

and then, a train hits me just right, because the book i just finished reading contains this, and i am travelling on the bus, sobbing inconsolably, inexplicably, and i am already so old that i don't give a fuck that people are staring.

because how can somebody else be feeling like i'm feeling?

how can somebody, living on the other side of the globe, a stranger, know my heart so well?

how can she know about you?

Credit:  https://www.wattpad.com/user/Eyes9623

Link:  https://www.wattpad.com/story/342974942-my-raven-letters-%E2%80%A2-poem-%E2%80%A2-poetry-%E2%80%A2-messages  

~~~

will you ever know, will you ever care, that i am crying myself to sleep every night, because i am missing you?

would you ever understand that on most days i can't even write (something that comes naturally, easily to me) because my heart is aching so horribly that every second is a death?

no.

you won't know.

you don't care.

and i am waiting to be over you. i have been waiting for years.

oh, dear lord. please, don't let this be one of those Vanity Fair's Dobbin situations... i won't survive this. i am barely surviving this.