Hopeless - (Bellamy Blake - Book 2)

Chapter 24.

I don't sleep at all that night.

My mind whirls with everything that has happened.

Finn murdered dozens of innocent people, and I should have tried harder to stop him. To pull him away.

Their deaths are also on me.

I cry for those people, for their grieving families and friends.

I cry for myself, for the sadness and pain that cracks my heart. My heart that was slowly starting to heal...because of Bellamy. Because I thought he saw me, the real me, and cared for me despite it all.

Everything that we went through, we went through together, from day one. I think that's why it hurts so much, this betrayal.

When the tears finally stop, I lay in the bed—Bellamy's bed—and the anger starts to take form instead.

Bellamy and Raven have treated me like a fool, and I'm an idiot for not seeing it sooner. I knew what Bellamy was like, screwing around with loads of girls from our camp, all the while allowing me to get closer to him. Holding my hand and lightly flirting, acting like he cared for me...kissing me.

I don't remember noticing when he stopped sleeping with other girls, maybe it was when Roma died, when we tried to find Octavia. Maybe he was so distraught from her death, he decided to pursue me instead.

A small part of me knows that isn't true.

Our friends are fools as well. Octavia, Finn and Clarke...constantly telling me he cares for me and is always worried about me. Maybe they're in on it too.

No, that isn't true either. It can't be true.

But he slept with Raven, girl who was so mad at me, who thought I had betrayed her...so she decided to betray me back.

Both of them together, the thought makes me sick. Two people I care about, despite everything we've been through.
Sex can be emotionless, I know that, I've slept with people I've not really cared for...but it's always intimate, there's no denying that.

And now they know those things about each other. Have seen and felt and touched parts of each other, and will always have those memories. Whether they want them or not.

I think back to that day, the day the hunting parties went out, the day I drove Bellamy and Raven into each other's arms.

Bellamy and I were arguing because he didn't want me to leave camp, he wanted me to stay there and stay safe. What did I say that pissed him off so much? What did I say that made him regret any kind of feelings he felt for me?

And then Raven found out I knew about Finn and Clarke...or at least that I had my suspicions—which she had every right to call me out on. I never really questioned Finn's feelings or actions directly to him, it wasn't really my place to.

And why would I? We never thought we would see Raven again.

She called me a traitor. A traitor to our friendship. So she decided to screw the guy she knew I had feelings for.

But did she know? She must have, the day we were reunited she saw us walking together, saw us holding hands, saw us comfort each other when we realised we had condemned 300 people to their deaths.

She must have known how I felt, otherwise she wouldn't have slept with him. Otherwise she would have told me a lot sooner, when she saw us getting closer.

They both knew. I confessed my feelings to Bellamy the next day, and he said he reciprocated them. He kissed me first. He had opportunity to tell me about him and Raven. He decided not to. He decided to lie to me. To use me.

He decided to treat me like a fucking fool, thinking I would never find out.

And Raven?

Well, it looks I'm not the only traitor around here.