Glass Tears

Chapter 8

Sam

I'm exhausted in the morning, mostly mentally. I keep thinking about Fitz more than I should be thinking about him right now. His teal eyes somehow always make their way to the forefront of my mind. I sigh and get up to get changed before heading out to the training room. Dex and El aren't there yet but neither is Fitz so I set up the archery equipment for him, knowing that he enjoyed that part of the training the previous day. I sit down on one of the benches that are against the wall across from the doors and take out a book about archery techniques so that I am better prepared for Fitz.

The door opens and I look up to see Fitz, putting the book down and walking towards him.

"How are you doing?" I ask after waving a hand at him.

"Good," is all he says before walking over to pick up the bow, already stringing an arrow in and aiming.

He pulled the string back, face more stony and blank than usual. He looks angry for some reason and I worry that I'm the reason for it. He lets go after a little bit and the arrow hits the center exactly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Fitz blurts out, aiming his bow back down towards the door as he looks at me, "We knew each other. I remember it now."

"You remember?" I ask, mouth open in shock.

I didn't think he would ever gain his memories back. After all, they had been wiped by the best Washer out there.

"Of course I do," Fitz shakes his head and glares even harder at me now, "I remember everything now, especially you."

He sort of whispers that last part and I have no idea what to make of it. My heart stops for a second when he takes another step toward me.

"You always looked at me, in a certain way. Why did you do that?" Fitz asks, looking like he doubts it the second the words leave his mouth.

I swallow the lump in my throat before replying, "I don't know, Fitz. It's really not important."

I take a step back as he steps forward again. I try to avoid his gaze since I feel like I'll confess my love if I look into his eyes for too long with that look in them. I can't tell if they're filled with hate or something else. I run my hand through my hair again because I really can't help it and he glares at me even harder.

"Stop that," Fitz says, stepping toward me and fixing my hair, frustration filling his eyes, "You always mess it up."

Now he's standing so close to me and my heart is beating so loudly that I think he'll hear it. He's the same height as me so we're face to face. He doesn't spend much time fixing my hair but it feels like an eternity to me. When he finally steps away, I realize that I had held my breath for that whole time.

He goes back to stringing arrows into his bow and my heart won't slow down. I take a couple of quick deep breaths before walking over to him. I try to focus on showing him the new techniques that I learned from the book and I had to touch his arms and shoulders a lot for it which was just torture. I can smell him too and he smells like mint leaves and coffee which is kind of a strange combination but I kind of like it. Of course I like it.

Dex and El enter right about when we've finished. They've been getting along a lot better lately which is nice to see although I still think both Dex and Fitz aren't close to trusting either of us completely. When we finish putting the archery gear away, we head back to our rooms.

I go to my desk right away and read through the letter they sent me again. I can't imagine why Cole would make such a rash decision that could result in a war. He's normally so calm and rational when making decisions like these, avoiding war in every scenario. It's part of the reason why we never really talk to elves from the Lost Cities at the moment. I sigh and feel some stress start to build up. I should probably increase our training to be harder and push Fitz more so that he's actually prepared, just in case.

Cole has always hated how I felt about Fitz, he said that feeling so much for someone like him would just end badly and make me weak. I never thought about it like that and I guess in most ways it does make me more of a liability to the cause. I'm just not as strong or unfeeling as El is, no matter how much I wish I was. I wish I could avoid feeling this much because it does only end in pain and sorrow. But I can't help it and I can't stop it. So I just give in and hope that it doesn't stab me in the back.

I leave my room and go to the library just for a walk. I need to get my head straight and sometimes just browsing the shelves helps me. When I enter the library, I see Fitz at a small table in the corner. He's looking down at a book spread in front of him on the table and I'm tempted to go ask him what he's reading. I enjoy reading a lot but El hates it.

We're also not really supposed to talk to a lot of people outside of the base or even in the base so I've never had the chance to talk to somebody about the books I read. Cole says he wants us to have "fresh minds" and doesn't want anyone else's opinions to sway our own. But I really think that he wants to be the only one to change our opinions so that we blindly follow him like his own puppets. As much as I like it better here at times than the Lost Cities, it also feels like a prison. Like El and I are just pawns in a game we don't know we're a part of.

I walk around and scan the shelves but I can't help thinking back to Fitz at his table. I should probably avoid him because I don't want to have to talk about his new memories again. Looking into those eyes again will make me crumble immediately and I am not about to do that and scare him off even more than I've already had. I can still feel the shadow of his fingertips gently brush my skin as he tried to fix my hair.

I can still see Fitz's table from here and he's still reading the book intently, eyes laser focused on the pages. I'm wondering again about what he could be reading when he suddenly looks up and locks eyes with me for a second. His mouth opens slightly like he's about to say something and I panic and grab a random book off the shelf. I practically run out of the room with the book in my arms and rush through the halls until I get to the safety of my room.

I collapse against my desk chair and calm my beating heart. I really need to stop acting like a child right now but I do not want to talk to him again until our run because of the way he looks at me. With that hate in his eyes. I know I deserve it from everything that's happened to him but I can't handle it. I bury my feelings for him until they're so deep in my stomach that I can't feel even an ounce of them again. I replace those with feelings of anger like Fitz's. I need to be better than this for this movement, so that I don't let my feelings get in the way of the job I need to do.

I take another deep breath before pushing him out of my mind for good.