Broken, Imperfect

Chapter 12

I woke up the next morning with tears rolling down my face. Of course I had to have a dream. A terrible one. I had fallen asleep with so many terrible thoughts racing through my head, after all. I had to relive middle school. I was there, hearing everything play over again. Bits and pieces. Only the worst memories. I dreamed of school now, but things turned sour. Danny and Ben returned as my antagonists once again, and Austin was being even more terrible than before. Aaron, Phil and Tino were still completely fine without me and it was as if I had never existed. To top it all off, I came out. I had finally gotten the guts to come out and like I had guessed, everybody was on edge about it. They weren't quite disgusted, just edgy. Like I had been keeping a terrible secret that they had to learn how to deal with. It was painful, though, and I had no one.

I sucked in a couple of breaths as Austin turned slightly, his eyes fluttering open. He went to stretch but winced in pain. His eyes shot open and he breathed, urging the pain to go away before looking at me.

"Woah, you okay? He asked curiously. His eyebrow was raised and he ran his hand through his hair with a yawn.

"Why do you care" I snapped without thinking. It was my first response since he had been such an ass yesterday.

"I was just trying to be nice for once" he snapped back. "Excuse the hell out of me. I'll make sure I don't do it again"

"I'm sorry" I apologized quickly. "I didn't mean to snap. I just. . . I had a bad dream. Alright?" I sighed.

"A bad dream?" He asked.

"Yeah" I replied blandly.

For the first time, I heard his laughter. It filled the room, and my ears. He groaned and hunched over. His laughter was cut off.

"Don't you know laughing fucks with my recovery?" He said, small giggles still escaping his throat. He was clearly forcing them to stop but having trouble. "Oh god. A bad dream" he mimicked me.

"I'm sure you've had them. Even as a high schooler" I snapped. "Don't fucking tell me that you've never relived your mothers death in a dream" I threw in his face.

He froze and looked up at me with wide eyes and a mouth slightly agape.

"What the fuck did you just say?" he snarled. He glared at me viciously, and by viciously, I mean if looks could kill then I'd be a lot more than 6 feet under. I'd be nonexistent.

"Bad dreams suck don't they" I spat back. Daring, right? I didn't want to hurt him but upper abdomen was a weak point if he tried to hurt me. I could fight him off in this state.

"This is why I don't want friends. This is why I've never wanted you around. Because you think you're so great. You're like everybody else at school and you tried to convince me different. I knew you'd trip up sooner or later" he told me. "Get out of my house."

Suddenly, I felt pretty shitty. Maybe I did go to far. His mom was more than a weak spot. I looked at him and now his eyes were full of tears but the fire in them still burned brightly. The scowl set on his face was going strong.

"You know how I feel now. When you beat me down, and then when I'm down you kick me. I had a bad dream. I relived everything bad that's ever happened to me. I'm alone too. You have your dad I have my mom. My dad is always away for his truck driving job. Your mom is always away except in your dreams and your heart. Neither of us have any friends anymore. So don't act like we are so different" I told him getting hyped up.

"I don't care about your dream or your life." He whispered as a tear fell.

"Well I care about yours. I'll admit Mr.Dawson told me your mother died from the disease you have. Your dad told me you have it, and if you think I'm leaving now the. You're dead wrong." I told him.

I risked getting close to him by scooting over until I was almost brushing against him. I sat criss cross on the couch facing him and my hands shook nervously. I mean, I didn't want to get hit.

"She would hate me for being this way" he whispered suddenly. His tears flowed more heavily down his face. "My own mother would hate me" he repeated.

"She most certainly would not. She would get it. She does get it. She's somewhere out there, or up there, or wherever, and she gets it. She's proud that you haven't murdered anybody yet. They definitely deserve it." I told him. I grabbed his hands in mine and he didn't pull away.

"You really think so?" He whispered.

"Yeah, of course I do. C'mere" I told him. I pulled him more towards me and he let me. I wrapped my arms around him careful not to hurt him and I just hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me after a moment and hugged back.

"I'm sorry" I said softly as we hugged. "I went too far with what I said. I was just pissy and wanted you to feel how I felt. I'm a shitty person for using that as a form of weapon." I told him.

He didn't reply we just hugged. We were like that for a good five or six minutes before he pulled away and wiped his eyes. My shirt was wet with his tears but I didn't care.

"I don't wanna do this anymore" admitted Austin.

"Do what?" I asked quietly. Normally when someone said that, they were referring to the fact that they didn't want to be alive anymore and the thought of Austin feeling that way terrified me.

"I don't wanna play this love hate game with you anymore." He said

"Love hate game?" I deadpanned.

"Where one moment I'm nice to you and the next I hate you again. It's tiring, but I'm terrified. Okay? I'm actually really fucking scared." He said. I knew that took a lot for him to tell me and his eyes reassured me of his fear.

"Don't be scared." I told him. "I know why you're scared, but don't be." I patted his shoulder lightly.

"We are gonna rule the school" he joked.

"Damn right" I smiled at him widely. "Took you long enough to come around, though."

"Yeah. I know. I'm sorry." He frowned. "Clean slate?"

"Clean slate." I repeated after him.