Gated

ᴱᴺᵀᴿʸ ⁴

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I have all but one fucking class with that smart ass bitch. ONE! I don't even mean to call her a bitch.

She was so pretty today. She probably sat in that steam for like twenty minutes. She was obviously up braiding her hair yesterday after church. She does a great job. I can tell the difference between the girls on her team who got their hair done by her and the girls who didn't.

She was right y'all. I don't hate her. So- now that that's ruled out I need to find out what/ who I do hate.

I literally just bet my life over a valedictorian spot. I'm confident, but at the same time- she is very smart y'all. Like extremely.

My dad was pissed. He yelled at me and said that she should never be on the same level as me. Said that I was better than her, or so he thought. My mother shut him up before he could say anything else. She doesn't play when it comes to her. In a way I think she is what kept my mother and I close cause once I stopped bringing her around, my mom started speaking to me less.

Maybe I have just changed, and she doesn't like it. But she's my mom, so like- help your child.

I told my mom I wanted some braids and my dad immediately shut it down. He sucks! It's so much easier to have my hair braided during volleyball season. Sports period. My dad likes my hair straight. He doesn't like much, but that's one thing he likes for sure. During sports my hair frizzes up and then I have to put even more heat on it to keep it straight. My mom, as my hairstylist, has put a limit on how much heat I can put to my hair though, so it's either puffy straight hair, or frizzy curls that I don't know how to manage.

She used to do my hair. From the time we were eleven until we stopped talking. Every two weeks. It was so healthy and long. She's a very talented individual. I hate it. She's so hard to dislike. She literally does nothing to anybody.

I should stop being rude to her. She puts on a tough act like she doesn't care, but I know she does. I know it upsets her when I call her out of her name.

Y'all- I have a confession- I don't even know where ghetto/ hood rat came from. Well I kind of do but not really.

Wait a damn minute!!

Have I been trying to impress my dad? This whole time? Just being ignorant to make him happy?

I was more sure of myself when I was with her. As best friends I mean. And when I wasn't sure of myself, she was always there to reassure me. I could never go wrong with her around.

I been fuckin' up a lot here lately though. It started with the night everything changed and it's kind of gone downhill since. I don't go to church nearly as often because if I do I'm going to see her. If she doesn't do anything else, she's gonna be at church. Sunday, Wednesday, and Saturday. She doesn't miss church for anything.

She's going to have such a beautiful future. She's going to marry someone God fearing and they are going to take such good care of her. She's going to get everything she prays for and she's going to give them all of her. They're going to have beautiful children. Gorgeous. They're going do shit like family Bible study. She's going to do everything to keep them happy, like her mom. Mami wouldn't dream of upsetting Pops. She loves him so mu-

I- am I  jealous? I don't hate her. I'm jealous. I just read my entry back and it sounds like I have a freaking crush on her or something. This whole entry has been about how pretty she is. How good her life is. And how mine just kind of sucks without her in it.

All this time I've insulted her to try and tear her down when really I'm just-

I wish that night never happened.

~Bey Bitches