fairy tales for depressed adults

in love with death

I first met death when I was too young. Barely four at the time but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I just lost my father and was crying myself to sleep every night. And one night a man came up to my bed. When I think about it now even then he looked young, not more than 25. But back then he could've been my father. And sometimes I wished he was. He was all in black with silver piercing eyes intimidating, but at the same time calming. He sit next to me asking why I was calling him . Confused I didn't know what to say " I... Just wanted to see my dad.... Do you know where he is ?" I asked after while and he smiled. It was a really sad smile. " He's with me little one . But you can't see him now. Not yet." "But why? ... Take me with you .... Take me to him..." I demanded , tears still falling , tugging on his shirt. Something in his eyes changed looking more pitiful with glance of something I could only describe as amusement. " I can't little one. But don't worry your time will come and then, I'll take you as everyone else "
I wanted to plead more, but he put his hand on my head and I stopped myself. He was cold and warm at the same time and I was scared, that if I annoyed him he would disappear. So instead I said " then will you at least stay with me ? Until I can come ? " Now he was fully amused chuckling like I said something funny. " Are you sure little one ? Do you even know who I am ? " He asked and honestly back then I wasn't really sure, I just knew I was safe with him. So that's what I said to him. " Okay then little one. But now is time to sleep ." He tucked me in the blanket still caressing my hair. " I'll stay until you fall asleep so don't worry."
I don't know how but I finally fell asleep. And when I woke up he was gone leaving me thinking it was just a dream....

There were days I could swear someone was holding me while I was crying at night. But mostly I forgot about the men in black since I couldn't see him. That was until I met him again.
This time I was nine and I was trying to die... I made a problem at school and I was so scared of my mother finding out I thought death would be a better option. Little did I know that death had other plans for me. I was silently laying in my bed waiting for death to come. And there he was, the men I thought was just a dream. Even tho I grew up he still looked the same. " Care to tell me why you called little one ?" " I know who you are. Please take me with you. I can't stay here.... If mum finds out what I did.... I'm dead either way." He chuckled just like last time." Calm down little one. It's not your time believe me. Just talk to your mother." I tensed just thinking about it " I can't.... You don't know her.... Please just take me...." I tried to plead , crying. " Before I could say anything else he was holding me. " Now listen to me little one . I can't take you now but I can assure you. Your mother will not really kill you. So stop worrying and just talk to her. I'm not saying it will be easy. But I'll be here waiting for you like always. " Wait what what does he mean by always? "Always? I haven't seen you since I was four? " " That hurts little one. Who do you think was sitting on your bed , holding you to make sure you don't cry all this time?" He whispered while my eyes were slowly shutting again. "I'm sorry .... Thank you " I manage to say before I fell asleep again in his arms. Last thing I could remember was the darkness caressing my hair like a parent should.

He was right. My mother didn't kill me even tho her eyes shouted she could. Since then me and death started meeting regularly. He didn't talk much , most of the time he was just listening. To me crying . Shouting and pleading. Because even tho I grew up from wanting to get to my father I still wanted him to take me away. From my abusive mother I didn't understand. From the bullies at school. From all the pain that was haunting me every day. When I was twelve I started to harm myself . And every time he would come. Slowly touching my wounds , pain in his eyes." Please just stop little one . I swear I'll take you with me one day. Just not now . You still have time. I know you're hurting but please . Just talk to me. Let me hold you and I'll try . I swear I'll try to take the pain away. " I couldn't understand the pain in his voice but I let him anyway. More because I really needed him . I needed the soothing calmness I got from him holding me. I needed to feel anything else but the pain that was eating me alive. So I snuggled up to him. " I'm sorry .... I don't know what's wrong with me... I just feel like everyone hates me and I don't know why ... " He started to pet my hair again like I was still the child he found all these years ago. " They don't hate you little one. They just doesn't understand you, but that's fine. You have me little one . I will Always understand you. Listen to whatever you need to say. Always holding you tight so you don't crumble. " Something in his voice changed sounding almost sweet but at the same time chilling. When I look back that's probably when I started falling for him. Falling for the men in black who always calmed me . The one that tried to lovingly took the pain away without wanting anything back. That's when I started flirting with death. Constantly trying to persuade him to take me with him. Flirting by trying to take my own life. Because who else than death would want my miserable life. But like always he just told me it's not my time yet while petting me like a child.....

I was 16 when I first visited that place, far away. Somewhere between life and death. It was also the first time I saw the light coming from my chest right at the place where my heart should've been . I wanted to ask him about it but decided not to when I realized he's crying. " What's wrong? .... Did I?.... Did it finally worked ?.... Am I at your place ?" I asked , hoping. He wiped his tears looking like he wanted to slap me and hug me at the same time." No little one. You're not dead yet. Why couldn't you listen to me when I said it's not your time? You should've just talk to me.... " I squirm a little just by looking at him. This is not what I wanted. He's the only one caring and I made him sad. I disappointed him just like everyone else ... " I'm sorry ... D... Please don't be mad at me." I whine trying not to cry too while he chuckles. " What did you just call me , little one? " " D? I mean how else should I call you? You never really told me your name. Or if you even have one..." He's finally smiling patting my head. " You're absolutely right little one. Okay then you can call me D. It's somehow cute coming from you." Now I'm smiling too " so you're not mad at me?" He just slightly nods and takes me in his arms. " Just .... I wish you wouldn't do this. But I'm scarred it will happen again. I'm scarred you'll regret it when the light burns out." I'm not really sure what to say so I just nuzzle him. Trying to be as close to him as possible. "I won't,D" I whisper into his chest my eyes shutting again.
I spent four days at that place , mostly talking about nothing. But when I finally woke up at the hospital I had to spend several weeks without him. Lamenting about not asking what the light meant. Scared I might not see him again

Since my first visit at that place things would go more than complicated. There were more and more bad days. And I really tried to be strong .... For him... But I couldn't.
Some nights he would talk to me quietly trying to calm me down. And some nights it would be the opposite. Me letting him hold me tight, crying, at that far away place. I couldn't let myself tell him why. Why I was so broken. Why I let them broke me. But he wouldn't tell me why my light started shining less and less. And what will happen after it dies either. Even tho we both knew what's happening we decided to keep quiet and just hold each other. Because he couldn't do anything about people using me, hurting me , taking me apart. And I couldn't do anything about my spark fading away until there's no life left in me.
As time passed I could see the pain in his eyes while he was watching me die. And I realized he knew the whole time this would happen . And maybe that's why he stayed with me all this time. Maybe he just pitied the little kid that was born to die. That little kid that had to go through so much pain with a smile on its face. And then I thought maybe he was like me. Maybe he was just hurted human.....

I'm slowly turning 25. The same age he looked since I met him. The same age that my parents selfishly had me.
These days I'm nothing more than a shell of who I used to be. Everyone thinks I'm getting better . Everyone but him .... I'm laying in that bed again
"D, it's time I can feel it." I whisper but he doesn't really look at me just holds me and starts to whisper a melody. A song only I could hear and answer. 

Death's lullaby
"Shhhh, little one,
Don't let them know
Never let them see
Just keep smiling
Give me your hand
Dry your face clean
I'll be with you
You can stop fighting
Come closer
Give me a hug
Don't he afraid
Let me hold you
Everything will be okay
Just close your eyes
And let me take you away
One kiss
And it will be over
One kiss
And you'll never be older
So come with me
Don't keep me waiting
Your world is shaking
While mine is steady
See? You're finally ready
So come and kiss me"

"oh my lovely D
You're the only one
They can't see anything
My smile is just for you
As is my hand
These tears are from joy
From getting to be with you
As always
You're the only one I was fighting for
There's nothing holding me back
There's nothing to be afraid of
You'll take my pain
As I close my eyes
Letting you hold me
Taking me away
One kiss
And everything will start
One kiss
And we'll never be apart
So here I come
No more waiting
No more bloody painting
Just hold me tight
End this stupid fight
Here I come, kiss me

Your hands on my cheeks as our lips find each other. My hand in your hair as my spark finally dies.
" Thank you"