fairy tales for depressed adults

Lovely Void

I close my eyes
Slowly dancing
My whole body is shivering
My feet are starting to get cold
I touch the sky
Somehow
I'm still warm inside
Thinking of you
Or maybe just anyone
Who's really the smile I see everywhere?
Who's the warmth my body is craving?
Is it even real?
Tear slides on my cheek
But I'm still smiling
Thinking about something that might not exist

I keep dancing on my balcony even tho the floor is icecold. By now my feet are actually burning. Probably because it's too cold but I'd love to think I'm warm from my thoughts. Thoughts about someone I loved, still do , just can't remember who it is. I know I sound insane and maybe I am . But I was in an accident few months back and I can't remember anything. And there's no one to ask since I'm all alone. I could swear I wasn't tho. I could swear there was someone important. But wouldn't they found me already? Maybe I wasn't important to them . Maybe they were at the same accident? What if they doesn't remember either ? What if they didn't survive ? What if.... What if they never existed ? I really don't know what to think.
When it's too cold I finally go inside. My head still spinning I lay on my bed.
My mind is playing games with me
Like always
Not letting me see the face
Not being able to hear
But for some reason
I can still feel the touch
I can feel the hugs
The taste of lips on mine
The smell of home
It both
Keeps me awake
And sends to sleep
Like the weirdest lullaby
From the faceless
Soundless
Lovely void

Days went by and nothing changed. I'm always hiding in my apartment just drawing faceless creatures. Trying to figure out who am I and who's the lovely void . Sometimes when I'm crumbling , crying on my bed I could swear I feel someone hugging me. But when I look no one's there which hurts even more. My neighbors must think I'm absolutely bat shit crazy because when it's just too much for me I just go on balcony and scream to the sky. Then I dance and dance and dance till my feet hurts.
It's been almost three months and I still can't remember anything. According to my therapist I was painter but she won't tell me anything else. She thinks I need to remember on my own and that my art might help me . But how long will it take ? How long will I suffer from this ? What if I can't take it anymore? They won't even tell me what accident I was in just that I was unconscious for two months . Practically every bone in me broken . You see I'm still not supposed to walk without help but fuck it. I just take another few pills to kill the pain . I can't stop moving, not now. I need to do something , anything . I'm pacing all the time even when I draw . I can't seem to calm down so I pop pills like a candy. Painkillers and antidepressants are my only friends right now. I wish there would be someone who would tell me everything . I don't care who just someone with answers to all my questions, but that's obviously too much to ask for huh.
At nights it's harder I can't fall asleep so I keep bottle beside my bed . I don't drink much just enough to forget . Paradox right? I'm in this pain because I forgot everything and now I need to forget that to get at least some sleep. Not that it matters since I work from home, I can sleep whenever I need. But my thoughts won't let me and it hurts . I keep thinking about my lovely void and how much I'd love him to hold me . And after few glasses it actually feels like someone is holding me ......

I woke up in the middle of the night. The invisible hands already gone as I sober up. I'm shivering as another panic attack is building up in me. And I can't, i just can't take it anymore.
I'm going to the balcony with bottle in my hand .
I'm standing outside
Looking at the sky
Longingly
There's something missing
But I don't know what
So I start singing
It's quite
And lonely
Then suddenly
I feel something pull at my chest
I spread my arms
Like wings
And let the wind
Take me away

I'm falling and it feels like flying. Then I remember . The accident happened after a fight. It's still blurry but I know now what happened. I had a stupid fight with my stupid lovely void . I was drinking on the balcony and .... Oh gods I fell it truly was an accident but... But why didn't he find me after in the hospital ? And what the underworld am I doing now ? I can see the ground getting closer . I close my eyes preparing myself for the worst. And then .... Nothing ... I can feel arms around me . Holding me like a child . I'm too scared to open my eyes. " What do you think you're doing?!" I can hear the raspy voice just millimetres from my ear. I'm slowly opening my eyes that are already full of tears . I can't see properly but I know it's him so I snuggle into his shirt. " I thought I'll never see you! I couldn't remember . I just new . I could feel you but you weren't there. I was so scared!"" I want to shout but instead I'm whispering as my voice is cracking. " So you decided to do the same thing again ?! Are you stupid?" He's angry but he holds me tighter. " I didn't ... Back then it was an accident . I was so sad and furious. I thought you hated me. So I drunk and when I was sitting on the ledge of the balcony I couldn't hold my balance and fell. I'm sorry . But you never showed up again and I didn't even know if you actually existed. I thought I was loosing my mind. I couldn't sleep or eat . I was just drinking and taking pills . I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry." He's slowly patting my hair. " Oh gods. I'm .... I'm sorry.... I thought you tried to kill yourself because of me. You told me you're sick of me and next thing I know you're in hospital. What was I supposed to think. And then when you couldn't remember I just thought it was for better . That maybe you didn't want to remember. So I didn't show myself but I was watching you still. I was holding you every night. It was killing me being so close to you. It was killing me watching you in pain but I thought that you just need time. I didn't.... I swear I didn't know .... I'm so sorry I shouldn't have left. " I pull away just enough to see his face . His beautiful face full of pain. I cup his cheeks and lightly kiss him . " Just take me home ." He nods still holding me bridal style as he jumps to my balcony. See even in my insanity I called him right. My Lovely void. He's a spirit and he's mine...
He let me sit on my bed and then he's awkwardly looking all around . I snatch him by his shirt and pull him beside me. " Don't even think about leaving. Now that I can remember I won't let you . " He looks confused " I wasn't . I just thought .... You're not mad at me ?" I chuckle nuzzling into his chest again. " No but I will be if you ever leave me again. " He melts down into our hug kissing me on top of my head. " Don't worry darling I'm not leaving. I'll never leave you alone again. "