A Poet's Secret

Chapter 5

I find him in the backyard smoking a cigarette. Ezra doesn't smoke though. You can do this, I tell myself. The guilt I felt was indescribable and I don't know if anything I say will help in any way but trying to fix it is better than ignoring it. Right?

"I thought you said you were leaving?" I  say approaching him

He gazes at me with emotion-filled eyes. The backyard was way quieter than inside the house and there were few people there. Most of those who were out here were smoking or high out of their minds.

"You came with me you wouldn't have had a ride back home," he says looking down at his feet as he takes another hit of the cigarette

Fuck I  hate him. If it was anyone else, any other guy, or fuck even a friend and they were mad at me they would've just left but not Ez. He's always thinking of me even when I  royally fuck up and do something wrong, he's always still there caring for me, waiting for me.

"Ez I'm sorry about whatever that was I- I  was jus- I  thought I  knew the girl that she was with, she looked familiar. I was trying to figure out who she was'' the lie tasted bitter on my lips and I knew he didn't believe me

Ezra looked at me solemnly. "And did you?"

"Did I do what?" I  shifted nervously

"Figure out who she was?"

"...no," I  say

Ezra put his cigarette out and ran a hand through his dark hair. His eyes were red now and I don't know if it was because of the cig or me or both.

He blew out a breath as he took a step closer to me leaving the wall he was leaning against.

"If you were into watching girls or lesbian porn or whatever you could've just said so you didn't have to lie," he said putting on a lopsided smile

I laughed to lighten the mood and so did he but I knew it was just so we could move on. I know Ezra isn't stupid and I know just like me he doesn't want this to be over and that's why we do this every time I mess up; we pretend. This time isn't like others though. I messed up bad. And I could see it in his face that Ezra knew it too. He wasn't born yesterday.

"Let's get outta here," I say, grabbing his hand as we walk to his car.

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

We arrive at my place and as I get out of his car I see that Ezra doesn't make a move to follow me so I get back in the car leaving my passenger side door open.

"Ez, you should come in... my mom isn't home till Sunday night," I  say carefully

He avoids my eyes "I  - I  don't think I  can today babe"

"C'mon Ez, please. L- let me make it up to you."

He sighs tiredly but then opens the car door at the side of him and steps out. I follow.

Struggling a bit with the keys I finally get the door open and I immediately make a beeline for the kitchen. No one ever tells you how thirsty alcohol makes you.

We make our way to my room and after closing the door, I turn around to face Ezra who is waiting patiently in front of my bed.

"Ez.." I start but my sentence dies because there was no train of thought following it. I don't know what to say. I never do. Ezra always does though so when he sits on the foot of my bed arms open wide and says "Come here" I  comply immediately

"Sorry for... I don't know, accusing you of watching your friend. I don't know why I was thinking like that. I guess I  was just feeling insecure"

I didn't know what to say. He's making me feel like shit by apologizing for something that he had every right to be mad about. I'm such an asshole. I'm such an asshole that all I say is "Ezra you're everything I could ever ask for or want in a boyfriend and you should never feel insecure because it's only you that I want and have ever wanted". I'm such an asshole that I lied in the second part. There is someone else I  want but I  could never have them and I  hate to admit it but Ezra is the next best thing, maybe even the better option but I  can't control what I  feel.

I keep telling him that I  love him and I  keep repeating it to myself like a mantra. I wonder if maybe if I tell myself that I love him enough times, I'll finally believe it. Yet I've been telling myself that I love him for almost 2 years now and I'm waiting for the day it'll become true.

I tell him that he shouldn't apologize and that none of this was his fault and then I kiss him. I pull myself onto his lap as he wraps his arms around my waist. I kiss him and I kiss him senseless. Our tongues dance together in a mixture of lust and urgency. It's messy and it's everything I need at this moment.

I don't want to think about the things I'm doing because if I concentrate hard enough on this I can maybe imagine it's someone else doing this to me. As his tongue slides against mine I think of Sierra's mouth against that girl's lips and I kiss him harder.

As I tentatively grind my hips to his, my dress rides up as he groans. He flips me on my bed and ravishes me in kisses starting with my lips, then to my neck, then my chest, and stomach, and then my head rolls back in pleasure as his tongue breaches my entrance.

"Fuck Ez"

It's so good that it helps me forget about Jenny and the brown-haired girl that Sierra fucked against the wall. We're both panting and our breaths are all that fill my room. I could feel Ezra grinding against my thigh.

"Ez" I  moan pulling away from the kiss

"Ez I'm close"

Still, he doesn't stop, he adds another finger and quickens the pace. I take it though. I take it and moan and dig my fingers into the skin on his neck until I can't take it anymore and I release.

He gets up to get me some pajamas to change into and we lazily make out for probably hours till we both fall asleep. It's moments like this where I find it so easy to believe that I love Ezra. Moments like this remind me that I do love him and that yes I am a shitty person but he makes me feel like more. He's been there for me in moments that even Sierra hasn't. So as I close my eyes, I forget the prior events of that night. Ezra spoons me and I nuzzle my face into his bare chest.