A Poet's Secret

Chapter 16

1 Month Later

My dad eventually moved out but seeing as he was barely home, there really wasn't anything to take with him. My mom and I moved into a bungalow close to the house because it seemed like there wasn't any point in having a huge house if there was barely anyone to fit in it. I didn't feel like we were any less of a family though because it's always sort of been me and my mom.

It is winter break now and Sierra and I  haven't talked since that Saturday morning. I feel shitty about it every day and I  keep repeating the mantra that it wasn't my fault and I  can't control my feelings but some days are better than others and the only seemingly positive thing in my life is Ezra.

He's been with me since the beginning of this whole ordeal and has stuck with me through all my shit. He apologized for reading my journal and telling Sierra to read it too and I told him I forgive him and I really do. Even though this whole thing ended in an epic shit show, I'm kind of glad it happened because now that I'm no longer loving her in secret. I remember how I used to feel and it was exhausting.

My mom loved him with her life and he just didn't reciprocate it and it was so bad that even I noticed it. I'm not saying he didn't love her but it just wasn't the same level of love. And that's what's so exhausting; being in love with someone you expect so much from and being let down repeatedly.

"Ezra?'' I mutter seeing the puff of air  punctuating my words.
We were at the park and it was dark out. We came to star gaze but if you've ever been in the city you know that stars don't really make appearances nevertheless we had blankets on the grass and were both bundled up in puffer jackets and sweats.

"Yeah," he responds glancing at me

"Do you still love me?"

He sits up and I mirror his action "Woah that's a loaded question"

I look down at my hands

"What's up?"

"Nothing" I  whisper and he scoots closer taking my hands in his

"C'mon what's wrong"

"Am I  really that unlovable? My dad wouldn't have left us if he gave any amount of fucks about me and he didn't even fight for visitation and then Sierra, she's known me for years, how can someone who's known you for so long just leave like that." Tears fall from my face to my lap and I'm annoyed that I'm such a crybaby.
"I should just shut up"

"No zora, look at me, your thoughts and happiness shouldn't revolve around if or how much others love you," he said. "I know it sucks to have the people who are supposed to know you and love you unconditionally betray you and I  can't say I  know what you're going through because I  don't but the only way to truly be happy is to love yourself. If you keep trying to find satisfaction from wanting people to love you, you're going to keep getting disappointed Zor."

Sighing, he continues, "It's not all the time that somebody is going to come and save you when you fall. Sometimes you just have to get up. Everything that you crave and think you need, you can find it in yourself or at least try because, at the end of the day, it's you that you have to live with, not your dad, not Sierra, and not me. You have to be comfortable in your own skin."

I'm quiet for a long time.

Ezra sounds like a walking self-help book sometimes but he's right.
"Also if I didn't love you, I  wouldn't have gone to check up on you after we broke up and I  wouldn't be here right now," he smiles.

"Sometimes I wonder if there's a 1000-year-old person living in your brain because the things you say sometimes…"

We laugh,

"Ez, you know I might never be able to love you back right?"

"Well, isn't that ironic? '' he says as he lays back down looking up at the nonexistent stars.