The lines in my notebook remind me of the reason I write on paper. The blinking cursor on a word document takes the realness of the emotion out of my writing. It always looks all clean and aesthetically pleasing but that isn't what feelings feel like so why should my expression of them be any different.
Sitting in the park on a blanket I glance up at Sierra seeing she's made some friends. Glancing back at me she waves and brings her hand up, raking it through her hair and I begin to write.
She runs her hand through her hair
I love it when she does that
Her nervous smiles and I imagine her giggling with me in the empty outdoor cafeteria
It's silent for a moment
I smile shyly and look away
She laughs "What?"
"Nothing"
"Come on, tell me!"
"I just really like it when you run your hands through your hair"
She smiles and I imagine her kissing me
I imagine us in a dark room on a bed
I tell her not to put her hair up bc I like it when she runs her hands through her hair
I imagine her looking down at me
Her gold chain being the only shiny thing in the dark room
She runs her hands through her hair and leans down to kiss me
I imagine me worried about my hair being messed to but not giving two fucks bc it's her
I imagine her grabbing my waist and pulling me towards her
"No I just put chapstick on and it's spicy"
"I like spicy" she says and she leans down and captures my lips
I imagine us laughing, cuddling, kissing
I imagine us being together
Keywords: I imagine
June 18
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Sometimes I'm like "She's not stupid, she knows" but then if that was true is she waiting for me to say something and confirm it or is she happy that I haven't said anything so that she doesn't have to reject me or does she feel the way I feel and thinks she's delusional for thinking I like her. And then other times it's just like idk I need to get over this shit it's sad.
July 12
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Every time I try to move on you keep drawing me back
Drawing me back w your messages and your actions
My thoughts and your reactions
I think that maybe you don't like me back maybe it was all in my head all the nights I imagined you in my bed
I think maybe you act like this with all your friends and I'm no different just one of the girls
But then again you do something, you say something
You're the first one to like and look at my story
Is it something you do to all your friends?
Do you have my notifications for posting on?
Or were you just normally logging on
Maybe you just happened to be online when I posted and it's a coincidence
But what happens when it's a repeated instance?
Why do you reply to my messages so fast all of a sudden and why are you so intent on making me aware of how 'talented' you think I am
Were you just finally free?
Or did you free up some time just for us
All these questions and no answer
All these feelings making my heart beat faster
I'm trying, really trying to get over you and be content with the fact that all we might ever be is just friends but you keep drawing me back
Drawing me in and deeper
Making me feel like I'm not a dreamer
August 27
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I know I know I know you can't
But I hope I hope I hope for you to want me back
The way you run your hands through your hair and your awkward smiles when people pass you by
Your little encouraging high fives and our somewhat telepathic eye contact
The way you do these little things do so much to me and I wish you knew but I wish you wouldn't
I wonder if you knew would you reciprocate these feelings and duplicate the meanings?
If you knew, would you shun me?
Maybe you want me…
But how am I to know? People always say one speaks through their eyes and that eyes are the windows to the soul but when I look at yours my rose-tinted view of you makes me see things that might never even be there
Things that are far from true
My brain tells me to beware
But all I want is you here
Your hand in mine
'What?' She asks
'I like you' I reply
Rephrase rewind
I know I know I know you can't
But I hope I hope I hope you want me back
Back
Let's go back to the beginning
Back to our first meeting
Back to when all I saw you as was a friend
And I know I know I know it'll never be true
But I just wish I could let you know that it's always been you
Nothings holding me back
My lips aren't sealed
Nothing forcing me to yield
Except for the prospect of what we have right now vanishing
You'd probably be nice and say we should still be friends but I know our friendship would fade and I'd become a past wave and I wouldn't become hated but I'd be the one you'd never have dated
I want to go back back back back back back back back to before
I'd wish to have never met you but I know that would do me torture
Don't slip
Find your grip
Don't fall
I'm falling falling falling waiting for my Prince Charming to come catch me
But it's not his arms I want to fall into
September 5
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I know there's no one else to blame but myself
Not for being delusional or for being naive but for being hopeful
Shit, for even wanting to be happy
I don't even know if I want to be you or be her and that's the worst part
I don't even know the reason for my sadness
Is it because I wanted you or is it really because I want her and have always wanted her
And it's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault, it's my stupid self's fault
For falling for someone that I know I can't have
I sit here wondering when will it be my turn?
I know I don't need love but I want it
It looks and sounds and seems so happy
And I know it's not all sunshine and rainbows and that there are cloudy nights and rainstorms but I want that too
I want the dark and stormy nights before the sunshine and blue skies
I want someone who I can be unapologetically me with
Will I ever have that?
Will the cycle of me thinking I'm over her by falling for someone else that doesn't want me to keep repeating?
I fall for someone, they reject me, and I go back to you but you still don't want me, ever
Again and again and again
I want her and I want to be over her at the same time
but it's impossible
When will it end?
I wish I could be satisfied with loneliness
Then maybe I could be happy.
October 27
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Why is it that my mind goes to you first every time I read something on Pinterest, when I'm imagining my future with someone or when I imagine a date or just any fucking thing? Why? I want it to stop. I don't want to like you and I don't want us to be together I just want my feelings to fucking stop.
I want to want someone else and I want to not want you. I hate that you like my stories and that you're so nice to me. Sometimes I wish you were a bitch so that I'd have some reason to hate you but I don't even think hate is enough to stop me from wanting you at this point.
I don't want to love you. Love is something I dream of achieving in the future and while now could be the future to eleven-year-old me was dreaming of, that future for me is not now. I don't want it to be now and I don't want it to be with you. I really really hope I don't love you because that's really inconvenient.
Love is supposed to go both ways and I don't want to be longing for you for the rest of our friendship. I want to be done. I want to be rid of my feelings and I want to be rid of any shrivel of anything resembling love. Unrequited love is sad. Liking your friend is sad. I was sad most of the summer for multiple reasons that weren't just you but I never want to be that sad again. Just thinking about how sad I was makes me want to cry. So please please god or whoever is listening rid me of these feelings, I don't want them. They make me sad.
December 23
YOU ARE READING
A Poet's Secret
RomanceBeing in love with your best friend isn't the ideal life situation but for Zora, it's her only life situation. Secretly harboring her feelings for her best friend, Sierra, Zora pours her emotions into her journal in the form of poetry. After years o...
